


Hey Adora, Love Catra

by AngstBabyJae



Category: She-Ra and the Princesses of Power (2018)
Genre: Abuse, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Child Abuse, ENJOY!!!, Enemies to Lovers, F/F, Heavy Angst, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Intrusive Thoughts, Past Child Abuse, Self-Harm, Shadow Weaver | Light Spinner (She-Ra)'s A+ Parenting, Slow Burn, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, almost forgot that one :P, catra swears a lot, might mention sex a few times nothing major, such a slow burn that they don't even interact until chapter thirty, the shipping takes a back seat to catra's development for a while, this fic goes to... dark places, this is a Catra-focused fic, this is pretty dark fellas
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-12
Updated: 2019-10-31
Packaged: 2020-08-20 03:34:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 35
Words: 46,669
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20221117
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AngstBabyJae/pseuds/AngstBabyJae
Summary: Spoilers for Season 3!trigger warning for content relating to suicide, abuse, depression, complex ptsd, self harm and intrusive thoughts.Y e p.After the portal closes Catra is dealing with thoughts she'd rather not have and feelings she'd rather not feel. She decides to write letters to cope.





	1. Chapter 1

"Hey Adora,  
This is stupid, you’ll never read this.  
And if you do that means I actually fucking did it and I’m gone and…"

Catra closed her eyes and took another jagged breath, the claws in the hand not holding the pen digging painfully into her palms.

"Scorpia suggested this a while ago, back before I fucked everything up again. Gods, you hate me now. You really do, I saw it in your eyes, I fucking saw it.  
I can’t smell you anymore here. Your smell was everywhere in the other world. The one we could’ve been happy in before you had to fucking ruin that too.  
Anyways...  
I need to write this shit or else I won’t be able to take it anymore. I’m not able to take it anymore.  
I’ve been going over my scars recently, dragging my nails over them. It hurts but it keeps me anchored. You used to keep me anchored.  
I still dream about you every fucking night and you’re so real and you’re so loud, you’re everywhere.  
I haven’t been eating. Scorpia used to make me, but she’s not around anymore.  
Because I fucked that up too.  
I wish that portal killed me. I wish it killed you too. Then we’d be together until the end, like we were supposed to be.  
I’ll write again the next time it happens.  
The next time <strike>I try to end it</strike> the feelings and the voices return, which will be inevitably soon.  
<strike>I love you,</strike>  
<strike>I hate you,</strike>  
Until next time,  
Catra"

A drop of blood splatters to the page, marking the corner crimson. She realizes that she broke the skin again and hurriedly wipes her aching palm on her jacket.  
This whole letter business started a couple hours previous when she was in her usual spot on the bridge. It had been two days since the portal incident and Hordak was struggling to repair the lab. 

Catra knew that it wouldn’t be good for her once Hordak discovers what really happened with Entrapta.  
Maybe he’d finally put Catra out of her misery. Maybe he’d make it painful. Whatever he’d do, Catra has felt worse. Or at least she thought so.  
Scorpia was nowhere to be found and that was probably for the best. 

Today, Catra’s mind swirled around the confrontation with Shadow Weaver and Glimmer in the corridor.  
Her gut plummeted and her chest ached and she suddenly felt very, very sick. She partially blamed the lack of food and sleep but that wasn’t it.  
She keened over the bars, squeezing her eyes shut as the world went hazy. As the memories attacked her faster she couldn’t handle it anymore. 

_“Catra, I can help you,”_ Shadow Weaver’s voice rang out, _“I can offer you a way out,”_

Catra whimpered, claws screeching as they clung to the metal.

_“Don’t make me destroy you too”_

_“You are kind of disrespectful!”_ Adora’s voice joined the chorus.

_“Insolent child!”_

Catra let out a scream that echoed throughout the chamber and opened her eyes. She peered down over the edge of the railing.

_Do it…_

She took a shaky step towards the edge. What would happen if she <strike>jumped</strike> were to slip? She would die, obviously, but…

** _Do it._ **

“No!” she yelled aloud. If she dies Adora wins.

_But I’m so tired…_

Either Adora goes down with her or she loses. She stood there for a long time, frozen in place, mortified by her own impulses.  
Then, she walked away, back to her chambers.

She has had these thoughts before.  
Only yesterday had she laid in her bed, unable to sleep, staring at her whip lying on her desk in the dark, thinking about the different knots she had learned to make in her youth…

She had simply excused them and climbed to the roof with a bottle of left-over alcohol she had saved from the party.  
There had been a boy from a neighboring squad who had been found strung up by his neck in the bathrooms when she was twelve. It had horrified her at the time.  
Suicide is a waste of precious resources and the least noble way to die in the Horde. He had been denounced from the Horde and thrown in the incinerated without as much as a second to grieve.  
Anyone who was found grieving was punished for entertaining his selfishness. Whenever Catra thought of running away <strike>or sometimes following after the boy</strike> she clung desperately to the idea of a brighter future. One with her and Adora ruling side by side. Catra'd never admit that it wasn't the ruling part that mattered to her, but the Adora part. Now that could never happen. <strike>Now following the boy didn't sound so bad.</strike>  
She wasn’t scared to admit it now…  
_I don’t want to live anymore._

But she had to. She couldn’t lose. And since when had the universe cared about what she wanted?  
_Fuck_ the universe.  
_Fuck_ Etheria.  
_Fuck_ Shadow Weaver.  
_Fuck_ Adora.  
And most of all _fuck_ her shitty excuse for a life. 

That led to her sitting down at her desk that night and starting the first of her useless letters to Adora.  
She was surprised to say the she actually felt better after it… but not by much. 

A loud knock at her door jolted her out of her state. 

“Go away!” she shouted. 

“Message from Hordak!”  
Catra sighed deeply. 

_Kyle._

She put the letter in her rarely used desk drawer and took her time getting up. 

“What do you want, Kyle?” 

“Hordak wants you in his sanctum in fifteen minutes,” 

“Fine. Are we done now?” 

Kyle hesitated. 

“Catra, are you… doing okay?” 

An annoyed growl rose in her throat. 

“No,” and with that she slammed the door in his face. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It finally becomes too much.

"Hey Adora,  
It happened again…  
Hordak decided to give me another chance. Not before teaching me a lesson first.  
The flesh on my right side is still burning from a stun baton that looked modified for torture.  
I threw up at the stench.  
I have nothing left in my stomach and everything burns and I still can’t eat.  
He’s gonna find out, he’s gonna know, he’s gonna kill me, Adora, I fucked up.  
I fucked up and when he kills me it’s not gonna be quick.  
I thought I could off myself first and I barely held back this time.  
I’ve started drinking a lot of that alcohol. The gang seems to always know where to find it.  
Fuck, I still miss you, Adora. It’s worse when I drink, I just miss you more.  
<strike>WHY DID YOU DO IT WHY DID YOU CHOSE THEM WE COULD’VE BEEN FUCKING HAPPY</strike>  
Probably not, but at least we’d still be together.  
I can feel where you punched me.  
Even know it’s been almost four days and the bruise it left has almost faded.  
I can feel where half my body faded away and echoes of when my mind was one with the void.  
I can’t trust anyone now, especially not myself.  
I miss Scorpia. I’d never admit it, but I miss that fucking idiot. I asked around. Nobody’s seen her.  
Not since I scared her away like I always knew I’d do in the end.  
I’m scared of myself too.  
I hope you trip and fall on your pretty sword,  
Catra"

She dried the fresh tears from her eyes and put the letter with the other one in the drawer, labeling it with the date. Her ears twitched at a sound behind her.

Another knock at her door. Great.

She got up grudgingly and moped over to the door, opening it a crack.

“Can I help you?”

“There’s our favorite boss!” Other-Kyle greeted nervously from behind the door. Disturbing Catra is probably one of the stupidest things someone could do, and the gang learned that quickly, “I didn’t mean to disturb you-“

“And yet here you are,”

“But some of the other members have been wondering, um, what exactly are we supposed to do now? I mean, do we, um, go back to the Crimson Waste, or-"

“You will await further instructions from Hordak, as you are now an extension of the Horde,”

“Well, you see, some of our members aren’t exactly going to like that. A lot of them are refugees from the Horde themselves-"

“Then leave!” and once again slammed the door.

Catra was surprised to learn that many of them did just that. By the next morning over half of them were gone. The ones remained were sorted out by Octavia, who was acting Second-in-Command, and were assimilated into the Horde’s army. Fine by Catra. 

Unfortunately, they took most of the alcohol with them, so Catra had to settle for the shitty Horde kind that she used to steal and split with Adora in her teen years.

Perfect! Just what she needed, more reminders of Adora.

She decided to remove the lock from her locker and put it on her desk drawer. She’d rather die than let those letters get out. There was a lot of things she would rather die than do these days (i.e. everything).  
Besides, she didn’t have anything in her locker worth stealing anyways. She cleaned it out after her promotion and burned all of her pictures of Adora (except for a select few she kept locked away deep in her heart, which she doubted existed at this point).

She started to rip up the blanket from their bed a few days prior, but before it could be completely destroyed she had broken down into a heap of sobs that made her feel even shittier.  
She didn’t know the whereabouts of Entrapta or Scorpia, and hoped that Entrapta was already on Beast Island so that she could never return and tell Hordak.  
No, that’s not right, she cared about Entrapta.

_Do you?_  


_“Catra, Catra, always so selfish, child. What was it this time? You… ‘Couldn’t help yourself’?”_

No, no, no, anything but this, please! It was too late. Shadow Weaver’s voice had returned, and Catra rushed to her bed and dove under the covers, covering her ears, like a scared child.  
“No, no, no!” she cried as her tears returned and the memory replayed itself.

_She was fifteen years old. She was in big trouble for something big, and it wasn’t the first time. The first time was the worst in her opinion, but she couldn’t keep from doing it again._

_“I’m s-sorry!”_

_“Stop with your pathetic excuses, you’re not sorry! You are an animal who cannot control herself and you know what happens to wild animals…” Shadow Weaver stretched out more tendrils and induced even more pain on the girl quivering before her._

_“There’s things we can do, you know. Things we can do to make it hurt when you do it…”_

_“Please, I’ll never do it again! It… It was Adora! She made me do it, she-"_

_“How dare you blame Adora for your sins!” the shadows grew larger and darkness engulfed the room. Catra cried, and cried, and cried as the the tendrils continued to tighten around her frail body, "I can make sure you never see her again. I can finally get rid of you like I should of done years ago!”_

_“I promise! I promise I’ll never touch her again! I promise!”_

_“How am I to assume you’ll keep your word? I know how your kind gets! I know that you crawl into her bed at night I am not an imbecile!”_

_“But it hurts when I do it! My claws don’t retract far enough!” this was partially untrue._

_“More excuses Catra. If you cannot control your urges you have no place in the Horde-"_

_Suddenly, the door to Shadow Weavers chambers burst open. She must have forgot to lock it that time._

_“Wait!” Adora yelled, “It was all my fault, Shadow Weaver, I… I seduced her, it was all me! Please!”_

_“Adora, this is very inappropriate of you, please leave immediately!”_

_Catra fell to the ground, shaking and sobbing._

_“Catra!”_

_Suddenly, the girls were separated with magic and made to stand at attention before their commander.  
Shadow Weaver rarely used constraining magic on Adora._

_“Since you’d rather interrupt me, you will join us, as you insist. Your fraternization is not to be tolerated, but I will make an acceptation. You may maintain your normal friendship, but if it ever again crosses the line into such intimacy I will not be so forgiving. The average punishment for a third time sexual offense is ten public lashings. I will double the amount. We’ll see if I can get my point across. Adora, of course, will be excused from this,” Catras hand curled into a fist, fighting the magic, and Adora’s eyes narrowed, angry at the injustice. Shadow Weaver brought a hand up to the golden child’s cheek, “We wouldn’t want you too injured to fight, now would we…” in the blink of an eye her hand had swung back and slapped Adora across the face, shocking them both. It was the first time she had ever hit Adora. She grabbed her chin hard. “You will be in the front row. Control your pet, Adora,”_

Of course, they would continue to "fraternize" after that, but only rarely and on the highest rooftops in the dead of night, when Shadow Weaver was in meetings or too worn out from the Black Garnet. Catra couldn’t pinpoint when they went from pacifying the heat to making love. The last time they’d done it was a month before Adora found the sword to celebrate passing an important exam. The memories made Catra’s heart ache more than the others. 

They had meant so much to each other. 

_It’s all her fault. It’s all her fault. It’s all Adora’s fault.  
She never loved you, she hates you, she hates you, she hates you!_

Her claws burrowed deep in her arms and soon they were covered in blood.  
She was somewhere between breathing heavily and hardly breathing at all. Memories of Adora and her <strike>love</strike> betrayal flashed before her eyes and everyone of their sweet moments turned cruel. 

She leaped out of the bed and to the desk, scrambling for another piece of paper, writing shaky and fast. 

“Hey Adora,  
I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.  
I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.  
I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.  
I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.  
I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.  
I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.  
I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.  
I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.  
I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.  
I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.  
I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.  
I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.  
I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.  
I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I love you. I’m sorry.  
Goodbye,  
Catra" 

She left it on the desk under a paperweight and stormed out of her room, pushed past the people in the hallways. 

“Hey, watch it!”  
“Excuse you!”  
“So rude!” 

All the sounds started to blur together as she passed the barracks she once slept in. The ones she slept in with Adora. She started walking faster. All she could hear now were her own justifications ringing in her head. 

_It wouldn’t of been pretty if it was anyone else but yourself._  
_You would be **dead** soon anyways._  
_He’s going to **find out** anyways._  
_But you’re too smart for him. There will be **no one left to punish.**_

Before she knew it she began to climb, until she reached the spot looking over the Fright Zone where her and Adora had been many times. The memories burned faster through her mind and all she knew was that she wanted them to _stop._

_You’re going to **win**, Catra this is all going to be **over**._

“It’s so beautiful…” she muttered, and it was. 

The mechanical heartbeat of the Fright Zone was a rhythm instilled in her veins.  
The mess of wires and pipes and the familiar smell of it all, pure and undistilled, was almost overwhelming and the alcohol had already left her breath and beyond the Fright Zone she saw the Crimson Waste and the Whispering Woods and the whole world. 

_This isn’t a bad place to die.  
This isn’t a bad last view._

"I love you, Adora..." 

She took a deep breath, closed her eyes, and jumped. 

The rush of air only lasted a second before she found herself suspended in place, crustacean-like claws holding onto her by the jacket. She felt herself being pulled into a crushing embrace. 

“W-wildcat!” Scorpia screamed, and they sobbed together on top of the roof. 

It all became too much, and everything faded to black. 


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Scorpia's back.

"Hey Adora,  
I’m still alive.  
I know, it shocked me too.  
Scorpia’s back. Things are tense between us right now.  
She’s making me eat again.  
I passed out for almost a day after… after I jumped.  
I haven’t slept since. I still can’t. Every time I do I see you.  
Hordak has started questioning Scorpia on Entrapta.  
Her lying for me is a huge risk and she’s done enough for me already.  
I think she’s expecting something from me.  
For me to change, for me to apologize.  
I don’t want her caring for me anymore. I hurt her like I hurt everyone.  
She loves me, but she’s not you.  
I’m still so tired…  
I miss us.  
Hope you’re having fun fucking Sparkles!  
I hope she’s terrible,  
Catra"

“Watcha writin’?”

Catra jumped at the sudden appearance of a tall figure behind her.

“Damn it, Scorpia!” she rushes to cover up the letter and lock it in the drawer before she could read it.

“I’m sorry, Wildcat, I should of knocked first!”

“Yeah, you should of!” she glared coldly at her until she noticed the larger woman start to tear up.

“I’m sorry. How are you doing today?”

“The usual,”

Scorpia frowned. The usual for Catra is never good.

“What were you writing just now?”

“Did you read any of it?” Catra snapped.

“No, I’m just curious,”

“I’m just taking your advice, that’s all. Writing out my frustrations,”

“Good for you, Catra! Is it helping?”

“A little,” she admitted.

“That’s amazing,” she beamed at Catra with such pride that Catra felt like she was being impaled through the chest.

“Ugh,” she turned away.

“Oh, and Hordak wants to see you again. He learned about what happened on the roof. I didn’t tell him, I swear! Some people saw and he’s noticed how unstable you’ve been lately and he’s placing you on suicide watch. I volunteered myself, of course. He wants to go over some things with you in ten minutes. You might want to start heading down now. Best not to be late when you’re already, well, not particularly in his favor right now,”

“Thanks for letting me know, and Scorpia? I… I’m sorry. For threatening to taser you. And for” she almost said ‘tasering Entrapta’, but remembered Hordak’s Imp, “everything,”

Scorpia flinched at the memory, but nodded. Catra didn’t think she was completely over it yet.

Without another word she got up and left.

\---

"Hey Adora,  
I’m feeling especially bitchy today.  
Best take it out here than on Scorpia.  
The rebellion hasn’t fought back since the portal.  
You’re probably too busy choking on princess dick.  
I don’t care.  
You certainly never did.  
Shadow Weaver is probably braiding hair and kissing the queen’s ass.  
I fell asleep at long last the other night.  
I dreamed that I snuck into Bright Moon and slit your pretty throat.  
I cried a lot afterwards. I’m so damn pathetic it makes me sick.  
Scorpia took away my alcohol. I’m starting to hate her too.  
I hate the way she looks at me, as if I’m someone worth her love.  
I might fuck her, just to get it over with.  
I wonder if it’ll break her heart.  
The only thing I should be breaking is myself and your spine.  
This is getting kinda long.  
Blah blah blah I hate you, go fuck yourself,  
Catra"

She hurriedly locked the letter away before she could rip it up in frustration. She climbed on to bed, buried her face in her pillow and screamed. She screamed and screamed and screamed until her throat was hoarse and she desperately needed water. After dunking her head in the sink, she left to the training room to let out some steam.

It was there that she heard the whispers.

“The Queen of Bright Moon is really dead?”  
“I heard she died in the incident in Hordak’s lab about a week ago,”  
“Rhen told me that he heard from Jed, who heard it from Rhaff, who heard it from Aneline, that her little princess monstrosity was coronated yesterday,”

The world seemed to still around her.

_I killed her. I did that._  
_I brought down the leader of Bright Moon._  
_ ** <strike>I’m a murderer.</strike> ** _  
_I’m a hero._

An insane smile crept to her face, claws digging into her sides.

She abandoned the punching bag she was at and left towards her quarters.

“Catra! There you are, I’ve been looking everywhere for you!”

Catra laughed. A feral sound, really.

“C… Catra?”

Her laughter crescendo, her head thrown back as she cackled.

“I killed her!”

“What!?”

“I killed the Queen of Bright Moon!”

“That was you? How!?” Scorpia looked terrified.

“She died in that fucking portal! She’s gone! Forever! I did that! Now, they'll _finally_ know what it feels like to lose. They stole Adora away from me... and now they will feel how I felt... Now I win! ”

Adora. It was always about Adora. Scorpia’s face went through a series of emotions, landing on fear. She turned away and left Catra to her madness.

“Where are you going? Scorpia?” She tried to follow her, and Scorpia turned, tears in her eyes.

“You killed someone, Catra! Over _Adora_! I get it, they hurt you. I know it hurt! We all have to do what we have to do... but you killed someone over something so... so _petty_ and you’re actually _proud_ of that!?”

“Oh, don’t get so fucking soft on me! Are you gonna lecture me now? You’re just like Adora! I actually accomplished something, I hurt the rebellion! Now we can take them out while they’re weak. Now we can win! You wanna get butt hurt, you can go join the rest of your princess-kind,”

“_Catra,_” Scorpia spoke in a tone Catra had never heard before from her. It scared her, “I do what I have to. I fight because I have to-“

“Well, so do I! I didn’t mean to kill their precious queenie-“

“No. You meant to kill _all_ of us! We could have been happy, Catra!” Scorpia was crying now. Catra cringed at the familiarity, “Why, Catra? Why did you do it? Why didn’t you just stay in the Crimson Waste with me? Why do you continue to hurt yourself? Just let yourself be happy for once, damn it, you deserve it!”

“You really fucking think that, don’t you? Well, newsflash, idiot, I don’t! And you wanna know why I came back? You really want to know the truth? You’re not her, and you’re never going to be, and I’M NEVER GOING TO LOVE YOU!”

Catra regretted it as soon as she said it, but the damage was already done. Scorpia took one last hurt look at her and left. Catra didn’t follow.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Catra keeps digger herself a deeper hole.

"Hey Adora,  
I killed the queen!  
It’s official. Hordak made an announcement and everything.  
We should be attacking soon.  
Bright Moon won’t know what hit it!  
If only Hordak would stop moping about Entrapta.  
So there!  
I killed her.  
<strike>So why do I feel so bad?</strike>  
Scorpia’s left the Fright Zone.  
Gone, gone, gone.  
<strike>SHE LEFT ME FOR YOU EVERYONE LEAVES ME FOR YOU</strike>  
<strike>SHADOW WEAVER LEFT ME FOR YOU</strike>  
<strike>I HATE YOUI HATE YOU I FUCKING HATE YOU!</strike>  
I always knew she’d leave in the end, everyone does.

Take care of her for me, okay?  
I hope someone puts poison in your fancy food,  
Catra"

Catra locks away the letter and glares over at Kyle, who watches her write awkwardly from a chair.

The universe really does hate her.

Of all the people to be assigned to keep her from killing herself they choose Kyle. She supposed they always could of chose Octavia, though she’s too important for that these days. If she did try to off herself again Octavia probably would have helped her.

She was punished again by Hordak after the jumping incident. As previously stated, suicide is greatly frowned upon.

Damn, she couldn’t even kill herself right, could she?

_You need to try harder next time._

“So, Kyle, are you just gonna sit there creepily watching me this whole time?”

“What should I rather be doing?”

“Leaving,”

“Catra, Hordak assigned this task to me himself and I will take it very seriously,”

“Wow, if your trying at something it's doomed. Hordak thought _you_ could contain me if necessary? I'm insulted,”

“Can you not be such a dick…” he muttered.

Catra’s eyes narrowed and she stood.

“What did you say to me?”

“I-I-"

“Spit. It. Out,”

“N-Nothing! Honest!”

“Oh, really?” she stepped closer to the scrawny boy and he gulped, “You think your so fucking smart do you?” she grabbed him by the shirt and slammed him to the floor, fist raised.

“Wait! You wouldn’t want Hordak knowing your secret, now would you?”

“What are you talking about?”

“Oh, you know, what really happened to Princess En-"

Her hand was over his mouth and her claws at his throat.

“Why, you little- you know what? I don’t care how you know. You know what this means for me if this gets out, don’t you?” Kyle pushed away her hand.

“I thought you wanted to die!”

“Didn’t say I didn’t. You think he’ll kill me?” she laughed, “Oh, he’s not going to kill me. Not until he lights every part of me on fire and dismembers me! Piece. By. Piece,” her claws dig into Kyle’s neck, “And I’d do anything to make sure that doesn’t happen. I’d even kill you,”

“Ha! I know you, Catra! I’ve grown up cowering from everyone my whole life, and no one cowered more than you. Especially when Shadow Weaver was involved,”

_Smack!_

There was now an unconscious Kyle on the floor of Catra's bedroom.

She took a deep breath. She got up and she took Kyle to the transport wing and put him on the next one to Beast Island.

She kept digging a deeper hole for herself and it was too late to stop now.

Since when did Kyle get so bold?

_It doesn't matter. Hordak will find out eventually, and then you'll be dead, dead, dead..._

\---

Hordak believed her lie that Kyle deserted without a second glance. He just didn’t care.

Poor Kyle.

The next person assigned to her was Lonnie, and at this point it seemed like it was on purpose.

“I volunteered, Catra,”

“Why?”

“I don’t know, I guess I just can’t stand Rogelio’s sobbing,”

_Oh, right. Kyle’s boyfriend._

“Plus, the last two people assigned to you both defected. Kyle didn’t even last a day. Maybe I wanted to investigate myself,”

“There’s nothing to investigate, they just disappeared,”

“Hordak’s not gonna see it that way,”

“Well, who gives a fuck, Lonnie?”

“Catra, I know you,” Why does everyone keep saying that? “And I know how you got after Adora left and I’m worried, I honestly am. I know you used to cut yourself on your claws in the bathroom, I know you would constantly wake up sobbing from nightmares, you weren’t as discreet as you thought you were. It might have been enough for Adora, but me? I’m your family too, Catra. I care about you,”

“Then stop! Since when have you cared, you would of beat me up if Adora wasn’t in the way!”

“You can’t say you didn’t deserve it!”

“Your right, I can’t!”

They stood there, staring angrily at each other.

Lonnie was right about one thing, if she lost control again Hordak will notice. Unlike Kyle, Lonnie was actually worth something, to some degree. She was appointed Force Captain after Catra’s demotion, and after what happened with the last two Force Captains from their squad, having to appoint another (which would most likely be Rogelio, if he doesn’t run off looking for Kyle) would certainly be suspicious.

“Whatever. If you want to stay? Fine. Just stay out of my way,”

“Fine by me, but I’m gonna do my job. Just try not to make it harder for me, from one _friend_ to another,”

“Keep acting like you're my friend and I might just shoot myself to spite you,”

“Wow, you’re so funny,” Lonnie deadpanned.

“Who said I was joking?”

Lonnie flipped her off in response.

Catra rolled her eyes.

“I need to use the bathroom. Don’t touch my shit while I’m gone,”

“Not like I want to,” she muttered after her. Her eyes flit to Catra’s desk drawer.

_“I saw some weird shit in there, Lonnie!”_

_“And why should I believe you?”_

Kyle had claimed that Catra had left it unlocked one day. That his curiosity got the better of him.

There was the drawer, locked up tight.

What if Kyle was right?

What if Catra really did send Entrapta to Beast Island?

What if Kyle’s knowledge of this had to do with his sudden disappearance?

Would she be next?

Lonnie almost didn’t want to find out.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things escalate quickly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rogelio is mute and uses sign language to communicate. The text in "*"s are in sign language.  
And yes Lonnie is a badass and my wife, thank you for noticing.

"Hey Adora,  
It hurts today. Again.  
I feel so weak and tired.  
I don’t really want to see anyone today.  
<strike>I want you to make it feel better like you used to.</strike>  
Pathetic.  
I wish Lonnie would leave me the fuck alone.  
I don’t want her to see me like this.  
I don’t want to see her period.  
But you know how she gets when she’s determined.  
I have access to alcohol again, but today I just want to stay empty…  
I… don’t have anything else to say,  
Catra"

She looked weakly over at Lonnie, who was reading some kind of novel from her usual chair.

“This is boring,” she groaned.

“Aw, is this job not fun for you? Believe me, it’s not all moonshine and rainbows for me either,”

“Catra, can you just talk to me for once? You know this job requires check-ins!”

“You’re not my therapist, Lonnie, and you’re not my friend,”

“Catra, you’ve always been like a sister to me,”

“What’s a sister?”

“Ugh, read a book for once in your life, Catra,”

“Never gonna happen,”

Lonnie rolled her eyes.

“And since when have you ever been the reading type, anyways?”

“I don’t know, maybe I had to give myself something to help set me apart from the golden child and the resident jack-ass,”

“You flatter me,”

“Catra, come on. Talk to me, your ears have been drooping all day,”

“Stop watching me then, weirdo!” her nails embedded once again in her palms, “I… I’m going to the bathroom now, leave me alone,”

Once the door was shut she slid to the ground and couldn’t help the tears that sprung to her eyes. Why did people keep caring? Why couldn’t they just leave her alone?

_You’re only going to hurt them again._  
_You can’t help it can you?_  
_You keep blaming everyone else but yourself._  
_You deserve it._  
_You deserve it._  
_Your fault._  
_Her fault_  
_Their fault._  
_ **Your fault.** _

Catra wept silently, claws digging deeper.

“Get out of my head!” she sobbed.

“Catra?”

Shit.

“Are you alright,”

“Go away! Go the fuck away, Lonnie! I fucking mean it! Leave me alone!”

“Alright, alright! Just don’t hurt yourself…”

Lonnie turned around and spotted the letter on Catra’s desk.

It was one of the letters Kyle talked about. It was what Catra’s been writing.

After reading it, she felt an urge to mock her squad mate’s weakness. An urge that came from a long and unforgiving life in the Horde.

Emotion = Weakness

Simple as that.

But there was another side of her that hurt to see Catra like this. To know that Catra thought these things. This seemed relatively tame compared to the suicidal crazed letters that Kyle mentioned seeing. Maybe Catra was getting better?

She jumped at the sound of the door unlocking and quickly rushed away from the desk. Catra noticed anyways and glared at Lonnie, eyes puffy and red from tears.

“Get. Out.”

“Catra-“

“I said get out!”

Lonnie just shook her head and walked out, bumping right into Rogelio.

“Roje, didn’t see ya there. Wow, you look pissed!”

*He knew something, didn’t he?* Rogelio signed.

“What are you on about?”

*K-Y-L-E. Someone issued unauthorized transport to Beast Island the night he disappeared, and he sure as hell didn’t put himself on there.*

“Woah! Calm down, we don’t know for sure Catra had anything to do with it-"

*Get out of my way, L-O-N.*

“Ya know what? I’m a little sick of everyone telling me what to do today! You want in? You’re gonna have to go through me, and you know you can’t take me on one-on-one,”

*Let’s see about that.*

“What the fuck is going on out here?” an annoyed Catra entered the hall, “I thought I told you to- Rogelio?”

Rogelio snarled and pulled Catra up by the jacket collar.

“What do you think you’re doing, huh?”

*We know what you did!* he signed with one hand, looking over at Lonnie. Lonnie started to speak before Catra kicked Rogelio square in the chest and clawing his arm, dropping gracefully into a fighting stance.

“Catra, we… we need to know the truth, Catra. Did… did you-?”

Pure fear washed over Catra. She needed to think, she needed to think, she needed to-

“Answer the question, Catra! What did you do to Kyle?” Lonnie was crying now, something Catra hadn’t seen since she broke her leg when they were six.

“I- I didn’t- I mean I- I-"

“Enough excuses, Catra!”

_“Stop with your pathetic excuses!”_

“I’m sorry…”

_“You’re not sorry!”_

“And Entrapta?”

Another tidal wave of terror. Punishment for disposing of Kyle would be nothing compared to-

Before she could answer, Rogelio charged. Catra was caught off guard, but not for long. He was far too slow for Catra. Soon he was on the floor clutching a bleeding eye.

Lonnie looked at Catra with horror. She ran away. Catra was too numb to run after her. She took out her comm pad.

“I need a medic in Force Captions’ Quarters, sector 2B, room 12,” she said shakily, before slipping into her room, leaving a whimpering Rogelio behind her, and locked the door.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Catra done fucked up.

It wasn’t until the middle of the night when they came for her.

They grabbed her kicking and screaming out of bed, drugged her and took her to the throne room, where Hordak waited.

Catra’s brain was looping and her body ached and all she could do was numb herself.

“You really thought you could get away with it… You,” Hordak laughed, a cruel, angry sound filled with venom, “You thought you were so… smart,”

He got up and pulled the lever, the air vanishing from the room. The guard’s holding her had masks. Catra did not.

The shock of it paralyzed her entire body. She couldn’t breathe and the fear grabbed tight on her soul, pulling her down. The last time this happened played on loop in her mind.

“You thought you could lie to me again? You thought you could get away with it? You don’t have Entrapta here anymore to save you. You made sure of that. You are so good at dooming yourself, Catra. It’s the one thing you excel at,”

Catra gagged, tears streaming fast down her face.

_Maybe you can manage to free your claws._  
_Maybe you can slit your own throat before he starts to-_

And as quick as it started the air was back, and she was on the floor shaking and gasping.

_You should of killed yourself when you had the chance. It's too late now._

_"You've made your choice, now live with it!"_

“Oh, you really thought it would be that easy? No, you want to die. I really want this to sink in before I kill you. I want you to hurt. There won’t be an audience this time. You won’t get the chance to humiliate me again. Maybe if you weren’t such a failure, this whole thing could have been avoided. Alas, I did not listen to Shadow Weaver. That was my mistake. I hope this helps it settle in that the rest was yours…” he gave one nod to the guards and out came the torture-batons, “Pray that the voltage stops your heart. Begin!”

\---

Catra cried silently in her cell. She lost track of how many days she has been in there. Waking up to more pain and torture, then going back to sleep again.

_Not like it’s much different from your life before…_

She was strapped to a table in a strait jacket, her claws secured in confinement boxes. She had spent the first few nights screaming and yelling and banging her head against the table to knock herself out. It became tiresome, and Catra had never been more tired.

Hordak was really dragging this out. He must really love Entrapta. Force Captains were sent to Beast Island to recover the princess at once. Catra guessed they hadn’t found her yet. Or Kyle. Catra decided to take her last days repenting her actions, something she should have done long ago. She went down the list, regretting every action and apologizing to every person.

Banishing Kyle. Sorry Kyle.  
Trying to kill literally everyone. Sorry everyone.  
Banishing Entrapta. Sorry Entrapta.  
Threatening Scorpia. Sorry Scorpia.  
Loving Adora. Sorry Adora.

The list went on. When she was in the portal world she realized something. This was never about power, was it? The only upside was keeping people from hurting her. She still hurt. She still was hurt. She liked to consider herself an ambitious person, and maybe that was one part of her, but she realized that she only ever really wanted one thing. One person.

<strike>Adora Adora Adora Adora Adora Adora Adora Adora Adora Adora Adora Adora Adora Adora Adora Adora Adora Adora Adora Adora Adora Adora Adora Adora Adora Adora Adora Adora Adora Adora</strike>

Her chance to grow had come and gone. Now she could only repent.

She wondered deep down if she really did blame Adora. She knew that she blamed Shadow Weaver, but… had Adora truly wanted this? Wanted Catra’s hate? She still couldn’t believe that the person who held her, who cherished her, who loved her would ever truly hate her. But now she did, she let go.

So why can’t Catra?

If she couldn’t have Adora she’d let the world burn, but now? Would Adora even know that she was gone? Would she even care?

“Catra!”

“L… Lonnie?” her voice sounded hoarse to her own ears, her lips bone dry and her skin covered head to toe in burns and bruises.

“Catra, there’s no time to explain, I’m getting you out of here,”

Not too long ago, Catra might of protested, but honestly she didn’t want to die this way. She didn’t want to lose this way. She couldn’t lose and she couldn’t win, so she just let Lonnie rescue her. She passed out some of the way and Lonnie had to carry her the rest of the way to the skiff. She wasn’t as strong as Adora, but she wasn’t weak either.

Where were they going? Catra didn’t know nor care. As long as it was anywhere but the Fright Zone and anywhere but Bright Moon.

“First things first we need to dress your wounds, they certainly ain’t pretty,”

“Gee, thanks,”

“Shut up and save your strength! I managed to get a first aid kit from the infirmary, but honestly? Not gonna do much. I have some basic survival supplies, so we can camp in the woods tonight, alright?”

“Why?”

“Huh?”

“Why the fuck would you save m-“she erupted into a fit of coughs, “m-me?”

“Catra, we’re family, whether you like it or not. And I wasn’t about to let you suffer like that,”

It wasn’t long before they arrived in the wood to make camp. Catra was in quite critical condition, but Lonnie patched her up to the best of her ability.

“Kyle, though I hate to admit it, was better at this kinda stuff, so I had to make do with the skills I have. Too bad _somebody_ assaulted him and sent him to inevitable death,”

Catra glared at her.

“Too soon?”

“Shut up,”

Lonnie brought out a ration bar, which Lonnie forced Catra to eat, with difficulty. Catra was looking worse by the minute.

“Lonnie?”

“Yeah, Catra?”

“Let me die,”

“Not happening,”

_“Please,”_ Catra had thought she had no tears left to cry, but somehow more appeared, “I’ve suffered enough,”

“N-no! I can’t! Just… let me heal you up first, you’re in no condition to make decisions like that right now. Then we can find some quiet field for you to pass away in,”

“Why are you trying so hard, Lonnie?”

“I’ve already told you Catra! Just… try to go to sleep for me, okay?”

“… Okay,” she sighed and crawled into the freshly pitched tent, “Did you pack any pens and paper?”

“I think there’s a notebook somewhere. You can write in the morning, right now is for sleep,”

“Shut up and don’t tell me what to do, loser,”

“Fine, dipshit, but it’s only gonna hurt more if you try to write in your current state,”

Catra said nothing and wrapped herself in the warmth preserving blanket. Catra thought that maybe she preferred Lonnie’s abrasive way of caring to Scorpia’s touchy-feely kind. At least she didn’t feel guilty for not returning the favor. She did care about Scorpia. She cared about a lot of people. She hated herself for it. She hated herself for a lot of things, but for now, she slept. She dreamed of death and pain and love and especially Adora, so basically all of the above rolled into one. 

She slept long until the moon rose in the morning and Lonnie implored her to hurry so they could move camp. The Horde would be after them soon. Would they even care? Whatever.

They hiked on for hours before Catra noticed something in the distance. Something that took both of them by surprise. There in the woods was a peculiar little cottage and out of it came an even more peculiar old woman. One who’s laugh reminded Catra of the other world for some inexpiable reason.

“Hello, dearies! You are right on time,”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the only chapter without a letter to Adora lol. Don't worry they'll be back next chapter.
> 
> So here's what the future of the fic is gonna look like:
> 
> I will be focusing on Catra, Lonnie, and Razz in the forest and Entrapta and Kyle on Beast Island. Adora and the Bright Moon Squad will come in a little later (and of course I'll have some Huntara, because comeee onnnn).
> 
> As always feedback is greatly appreciated, thank you!
> 
> (P.s. I've seen a sudden spike in dark Catra fics since I published this and I'm so happy. I'm not sayin' I influenced y'all, I'm just happy to have more content!


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Catra finds herself in a new environment.

"Hey Adora,  
I’m writing this from the crazy old lady’s hut.  
That sounds even weirder on paper…  
I don’t know what will happen to the rest of my letters.  
I guess that doesn’t matter now.  
Whatever the old lady, a.k.a. 'Madame Razz', has been using to heal me has been working, physically at least.  
No amount of plant medicine can ever heal what’s inside me.  
Lonnie went to a nearby village in disguise to ask some questions.  
So Scorpia really is with the rebellion now.  
<strike>I knew she’d fucking leave me like you did. Like Shadow Weaver did.</strike>  
Apparently Hordak’s been spreading the story that I committed suicide.  
Which is, of course, very believable.  
Guess he didn’t want it to get out that I escaped with one of his newest Force Captains.  
How embarrassing for him.  
I wonder if you’ve heard the news yet. I wonder if you’re crying.  
I wonder if you even care.  
Scorpia probably does. Or does she hate me too now?  
Probably.  
I should get some more rest.  
I should be doing a lot of things other than write to someone who will never write back.  
Hope you accidentally cut your own arm off,  
Catra"

After napping for a few hours, she was awaken by the sound of Razz humming to herself as she bustled around the little cottage preparing lunch.

“Ah, good! You’re up!”

“I am now,”

“You haven’t done much talking since your arrival, I see, dearie,”

“I’ve been a little busy dying,”

“Oh, you won’t die, dearie. Not your time yet!”

“You don’t know shit about ‘my time’, lady. Go bother Lonnie,”

“Alas, I’ve sent that good little girl out for more berries. Now, she’s company! You? Not so much. Why don’t you come tell old Madame Razz what is the matter,”

“One, we’re not ‘little girls’ and two, I don’t have to tell you anything,”

“Of course you don’t, dearie, but it helps,”

Catra turned away, suddenly interested in the stone vine-covered walls of the hut.

“Ah, I was like you once, lost and hurting. Granted, Madame Razz was never this bad! Your Mara loves you very much, and I fear that it might turn out bad for you, too,”

“What? My… ‘Mara’?” the name sounded familiar to Catra.

“Of course, you do not understand yet. You aren’t ready, are you?”

“You better tell me what the hell you’re talking about!”

“Calm down, dearie, calm down! Rest, you must. You’ll understand with time, but now you rest,”

“Listen, you and Lonnie trying to save my miserable life isn’t doing me any favors, so I don’t owe you anything,”

“You’d rather be out there? Face it, dearie. You must remain here,”

“So now you’re keeping us prisoner? Well, I’m done being trapped,” she sat up to leave, but immediately crumpled down in pain.

Razz laughed, so Catra only glared and turned away. She couldn’t wait to finally get away, but for now at least, she had to play along.

\---

“Day 27 of my isolation on the infamous ‘Beast Island’. I have come to a conclusion. Catra is no longer my friend. Friends tend not to incapacitate and banish other friends to their imminent demise. Hordak will surely come for me soon. But… if he doesn’t… No! He’ll come, I’m sure of it! He’s different!”

“Entrapta, I know you’re doing your whole recording thing, but I haven’t exactly found any food. The fruit is too high up for me to reach and we're almost out of tree-rat,”

“Oh, and Kyle’s here too! Studies show that plants with white or yellow berries are to be avoided, so the fruit you found might not even be worth the effort, what color did you say they were?”

“I think they were kind of a… bright orange? I can’t really say for certain, they were pretty high up,”

“Hm, so it would be difficult to tell if they are even berries or fruit at all. Have you spotted any more tree-rat?”

“Not since yesterday, no,”

Entrapta turned to the nearest tree and knocked on its log.

“The trees seem to be hollow, maybe I can find a way to chop off some branches to make a shelter. The trees we’ve been sleeping in so far haven’t been ideal…”

“But what are gonna do about food?”

“If we find a water source we should be able to find more tree-rats. The stream we’ve been drinking from is a few miles from here, so we should start hiking right away,”

“But we just got here,” Kyle groaned.

“Patience, assistant, Hordak will be here for us soon enough,”

“But what if he’s not?”

“I… I can’t think of that as a possibility right now! Of course, the stats for being abandoned again are… pretty considerable, we can’t survive thinking on the negatives! And if all else fails I know Emily would do anything to save me. Machines tend to be more reliable than... people. Anyways, we should keep going, pick up the pace, Kyle!” as they hiked she looked ahead, determined.

“Hurry, Hordak,” she whispered to the trees, “Wherever you are,”

\---

“How are you feeling today, Catra?” Lonnie asks.

“Eh,” Catra shrugged, “It gets to the point where you’ve hurt so much that everything kinda just… numbs,”

“Is that… a good thing?”

“I don’t know,”

“Hey, at least you’re being honest with your feelings now,”

“I just don’t care anymore,”

“Yeah, you say that a lot for someone who addresses your diary to your ex,”

“You shouldn’t have read that!”

“You shouldn’t have done a lot of things, too,”

“You don’t think I know that!?” she hissed at her and went inside the cottage. 

She walked into the small bathroom and up to the sink to splash some water on her face. It felt cool and refreshing, but didn’t make her feel much better. When she looked up at the mirror she froze.

Her right side was black and crackling with portal energy.

_This is a part of you now. This is what you've become. You can never **change** this._

_ **Everything is your fault.** _

She lept away from the mirror, blinking rapidly. When the image did not disappear she covered her eyes and took deep breaths. After a while she opened her eyes. She looked fine. She touched her face. It was normal, for it had never been any different.

Is this what she'd become? What would happen after she died?

_There's nothing you can do. It will consume you until there is nothing left but that burning hate that the portal amplified in you. No matter what you do you will **lose**. Live or die you will become this. Adora has her destiny and you have yours. No one will remember you. Not even Adora. She doesn't even care. She hates you. ** Live or die you lose.**_

She returned to the sink, nervously. She spotted a pair of scissors on the edge of the sink and gingerly picked them up and raised them to her wild mane. She used her fingers to measure the proper length and began to cut. She had never had a haircut before and would probably have to have Razz re-cut it later, but this was a start.

She would learn to overcome. No matter what it takes.

She would rise again.

She wanted to prove those whispers wrong.

Suddenly dying didn’t seem like her only option.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Catra starts to figure things out.

"Hey Adora,  
Been <strike>missing</strike> <strike>loving</strike> hating you today.  
I dreamt we were together last night.  
And by that I mean _together_ together.  
Lonnie got a real kick out of embarrassing me.  
She’s a real pain in the ass.  
I cut my hair.  
Remember when you tried to cut yourself bangs?  
Shadow Weaver got so mad <strike>at me</strike>!  
And if you couldn’t tell by the tone of this letter (or because you literally will never read this)  
I’m actually doing better, which I didn’t think I had in me.  
It still hurts, but at least I’m not throwing myself off cliffs because of it <strike>for now</strike>.  
Sometimes I feel like I’ve just gone back to repressing my feelings again.  
Hope you rip you’re lucky jacket,  
Catra"

Speaking of jackets…

Catra walked out to the clothesline behind the hut and grabbed her dry jacket. Razz’s all-natural cleaning solution left it in perfect condition. She put it on, that rush of self-confidence she felt in the waste rushing back, if only for a brief moment.

She was finally healed enough to walk without falling, which was a good sign.

Her new resolve to persevere seemingly came out of nowhere, but Lonnie was glad for it.

There was still a large part of Catra that was tired. That wanted to give up. That wanted to die.

That part took a back seat while Catra was processing.

It wouldn’t be bad to live like this…

No Horde, no rebellion…

_No Adora…_

Catra seized up, reminded of that gaping hole inside her that had grown ever larger since Adora left her. She couldn’t breathe for a moment, before remembering Razz’s exercises and going through the motions.

That hole inside of her was a constant reminder that a life without Adora was a life without happiness.

But she had to put that aside for now.

“Oh, Lonnie, dearie, thank you so much for your help picking berries!”

“It was no problem, ma’am, really. It’s the least I could do for you letting us stay here. I don’t think we could’ve made it without you,”

_Kiss-ass._

“Catra! Good to see you up and about,”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m up, don’t make a big deal about it,”

“’Wow! Look at me, I’m Catra, don’t talk to me or I’ll rip out your throat, I’m so edgy, blah, blah, blah!’”

“I do _not_ sound like that!”

“Ya kinda do!”

“You think you’re so funny, don’t you? It won’t be so funny once I heal up and break your spine,”

“We’ll see about that, Catra, we’ll see… Anyways, I’m gonna head inside and wash up. I can carry your load in too if you want me to, Razz,” Lonnie offered, gesturing to the woman’s large basket of berries.

“Oh, I’m fine, dearie, I’m much stronger than I look,” to demonstrate Razz help the basket up by one hand and took Lonnie’s equally huge basket in the other before carrying both inside. The two young women only stared after her in amazement.

“What are in those berries?” Catra mused.

Lonnie laughed. Not at Catra, but with her for once.

Though Catra would never admit it, she was beginning to see Lonnie as an actual friend.

It made her miss Scorpia even more.

Once inside Catra sat down at the stone table while Madame Razz and Lonnie baked a berry pie.

“Why don’t you come join us, Catra?”

“I’m busy,”

“Riiight,”

And she was. She intended to write a letter. This time she actually meant to send it… eventually. Hopefully. Alright, maybe never, but she had to have hope.

"Scorpia,  
I’m not dead. Surprise!  
Listen, I know that I fucked up again for the hundredth time.  
I also know that you might never want to see my face again.  
And I’m sorry.  
You don’t have to forgive me and you probably won’t.  
But you’re my friend and you deserve better than this.  
Better than me.  
Those princesses better be treating you well.  
Don’t think for one second that I wouldn’t take them all out just because you’re with them now.  
I just want you to know that you’re an amazing person with an amazing heart.  
And I was a fool to take advantage of that.  
Take care of yourself,  
Catra"

She gave the letter a sad smile and sealed it in an envelope, placing it in the bag that Razz gave her next to her bed roll.

“Sealing letters now, are we?”

“It’s none of your business, Lonnie! And if you must know, this one’s not for Adora,”

“Who’s it for then?”

“I said it’s none of your business!”

“No need for hostility, dearies! Lookie can’t stand the noise!”

The soldiers exchanged confused glances.

“We’re sorry, Madame Razz, we’ll be more considerate,”

“Kiss-ass~” Catra whispered sing-song in her ear, to which Lonnie responded by attempting to discreetly kick her shin, but kicking the stone table instead. She winced in pain and Catra snickered.

“Oh! Pie’s ready!” Razz bustled to the small oven to retrieve the pie.

A small piece of paper fell out of her dress pockets and in front of Catra. She reached down to pick it up. It was a sketch of a girl with a tall hairdo and a dark complexion. Catra’s heart thudded loudly in her chest. 

She recognized this girl. She’s seen this girl somewhere.

“Oh, silly me! I must have dropped it,” she held out her hand.

“Who is she?” Catra questioned, handing it back hesitantly.

“Just someone I used to know. Oh, it had been such a long, long time,” she sighed and looked lovingly at the drawing, “My dear Mara…”

It all came rushing back.

_“So I'm begging you._  
_Don't do it._  
_Leave us here._  
_If you open a portal, death and destruction will follow._  
_For the good of the universe, Etheria must stay in Despondos.”_

It was the girl in the hologram that Adora was listening to in the Crimson Waste.

The name that Adora mentioned seeing in the other world.

_Adora._

It’s always fucking Adora.

Just when Catra finally thought she’d escaped her.

“Excuse me, I… I’m not hungry today. I’m going to go on a walk. I’ll see you later,”

“Are you sure you can find your way back? You’re not fully healed, you cou-“

“I’m fine!” and with that she went to go clear her head.

\---

“Entrapta! Entrapta wake up!”

“Wh… What’s goin’ on?”

“They’ve come for us, Entrapta, we’re saved!”

Entrapta shot up in the lean-to, scaring Kyle and almost bumping her head.

“Hordak’s here? He came for me!?”

Sure enough there was Horde ships on the shore that they could make out through the jungle trees.

“He… he came for me,” a hopeful smile turned into a full blown grin, “Of course he came! What did I tell you, assistant? Come on, there’s no time to waste!” she lifted Kyle with her hair and carried him all the way there in her excitement, “Faith in humanity- er, alienity- restored!”

“That’s great, Entrapta, now put me down, please! Ah!”

“Oh, right!” he set him down and beamed at him, “Let’s go home,”


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Catra finds somewhere familiar.

"Hey Adora,  
I don’t know where I’m going. I brought along my notebook.  
I can’t just run away.  
I have nowhere else to go.  
This was stupid anyways, I should just go back.  
Writing isn’t making me feel better at all,  
Catra"

She shoved the annoyingly short letter back into her bag. Did Lonnie notice that she brought it with her? If she did then she would have followed her out and tried to get her to come back. 

_But she doesn’t care, not really. You were as naïve as always to believe that she did._

She wills the thoughts away and ran faster through the forest. She followed Razz’s berry picking path. She had never joined them on it and only vaguely known it was even there.

As she ran, the forest started to look hauntingly familiar.

Like she’s been here before.

She started to run even faster, finally seeing berry bushes start to sprout up along the path. She stopped to pick a few, licking the sweet juices off her claws. She stashed a few in her bag. When- or if- she came back it would be a nice gesture to help out. Ew. _Nice?_ What is happening to her?

She continued along to the path before she saw something that made her stop dead.

_Adora._

No, _She-Ra._

In the flesh.

She jumped into the cover of the trees in a panic. She-Ra turned her head at the sound of rustling leaves, but ultimately ignored it. Behind her was the First One’s temple they had gotten lost in only a few months ago. 

She watched intently from the shadows as she de-transformed. The first thing she noticed was that Adora looked like shit. Of course, she wasn’t one to talk. She looked as if she got about as much sleep as Catra, maybe even less.

Catra’s heart raced and she struggled for air as she studied the young woman not too far from where she hid. Tears pricked the corners of her eyes as she noted that she was just as breathtaking as she was the last time she had seen her.

When she had glared at her with hate.

Catra’s claws extended into her palms of their own accord.

_She hates you. She hates you. **She hates you.**_

Adora smoothed back a strand of hair that had come loose from her ponytail and stepped off the path and into the woods in the direction of Bright Moon Palace. Once she was sure Adora was gone, Catra slipped out into the open, quiet as a mouse, and into the temple before the door could close. She had no time to think about what she was doing. She knew the place would try to kill her, but part of her hoped for answers.

_Answers that were given to Adora like sweet rations, while you had to work hard for them._

She forced the jealously from her mind to the best of her ability and continued on into the temple. As long as she didn’t touch anything she should be safe. She reached the main hall, toughened up, and shouted.

“Anybody home?”

This was stupid. So, so stupid. What was she even going to do, anyways? The door had shut behind her. She realized in a panic that she was once again stuck.

“What are you doing here?” a woman materialized in front of her. She realized that this was not the mindless hologram from before, but a different one, tall and mystical, “You were never supposed to come back. I cannot compute any reason for you to return,”

“Y-yeah, I guess I’m just unpredictable like that,”

“You should not be here. She let g-"

“Let go, I know! She doesn’t give a crap about me anymore,” she interrupted.

“She is ready, but not quite. She is able to kill you now, but it… hurts her. I do not understand. She has let go, yet…”

“I don’t understand either, creepy,”

“I have been called this,” the hologram nodded.

“Who are you and why did you trap us in here a few months ago, and don’t say you don’t know what I’m talking about, you obviously run this place,”

“Very perceptive. Common in your kind. The answer is simple. Adora needed to let go. It didn’t entirely work the first time. Now, due to whatever happened when the portal failed, she finally has… or at least I thought she had,”

Anger bubbled inside of her.

“So all of that was just to turn her against me!?”

“It was essential,”

“No it fucking wasn’t! You had no damn right to- ugh! Who even are you!?”

“I am Light Hope, and advanced a.i. system created by the First Ones. I am all that is left… besides Adora, that is,”

“Well, that explains everything. Oh, wait… NO IT DOESN'T!”

“I do not understand why you are angry. I do not owe you an explanation,”

“After that shit you pulled here? Uh, yes you do! And you can start by answering a few simple questions. Who is Mara?”

“Mara was the She-Ra before the one you call Adora. The mortal flaws known as “fear” and “love” led to her mind breaking and the planet being transported here, to the empty dimension. The portal you opened was intended to lead out of Despandos. The portal, as you know, was a failure,”

“Alright, but what does Razz have to do with her?”

The hologram narrowed her eyes, concentrating.

“Razz was… a weakness… like you,”

Something snapped inside Catra at the words.

_Weak. Weak. Weak._

She lashed out at the hologram with her claws, only to pass harmlessly through.

“Physical aggression cannot work against me. Attacking would be illogical,”

“I. Don’t. Care!”

“You seem to be acting irrationally, which is most probable a side-effect from your deteriorating mental state. I think it is about time you leave,” and with that Light Hope flickered from existence.

“Intruder detected!” the roboic voice was deafening and the lights turned red as the robot spiders emerged from the chambers. Tears flowed freely from Catra’s eyes. Adora didn’t love her anymore. She will kill her.

_ **You are weak.** _

She contemplated letting the spiders kill her for a moment, before cowardice led her feet to running full speed towards the now open door.

The door closed immediately behind her, and she slid to the ground and sobbed.

The walk back to the hut seemed more grueling than the one there.

“Lonnie?”

“Catra, are you okay?”

“We’re leaving,”

“What!?”

“We’re _leaving._ End of discussion,”

“No, Catra, not end of discussion! Can you stop acting out based on emotions for once and think?”

“I am thinking, and I can’t stay here. I need to break away from Adora’s whole destiny shit,”

“So this is about Adora? Catra, you need to think of yourself!”

“I am,”

“And me!”

“You don’t have to come with me,”

“You know that’s not gonna stop me, we're in this together now,”

“If you’re coming no matter what then that shouldn’t be a problem,”

“At least wait until you’re healed,”

“I’m healed plenty,”

“One week, Catra. Just one more week, then we can fuck off to wherever you want to go, but can’t we just take some time to prepare first?”

“Fine! But in seven days, we leave,”

“Fine!”

Catra sat down on her bed spread, facing away from Lonnie, and fidgeted with the vines growing along the stone walls. Of course, just when she finally thought she was getting away from Adora she had to show back up. Her thoughts went to what Light Hope said. Had Razz loved Mara as she loved Adora?

No. She had to push back all that She-Ra shit. She was done living as a character in Adora’s story. She needed to make her own.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Catra and Razz talk.

"Hey Adora,  
It’s been a week since I saw you in the woods.  
There’s a part of me that hopes it will be the last.  
<strike>There’s a bigger part that craves you.</strike>  
Tomorrow morning we leave Razz’s hut.  
The village Lonnie scouted isn’t too far from here.  
It’s a place to start at least.  
My bruises are so faded that hardly notice them.  
My head doesn’t feel as light.  
The timing couldn’t be more perfect.  
I’m going to sleep now,  
Catra"

“I see you’re still awake,”

Catra jumped in surprise at the sudden appearance of the old woman.

“Oh, Madame Razz didn’t mean to startle. Is everything ready for your departure?”

“Yeah,”

“You seem uncertain,”

“I’m fine! It’s just that we’re gonna be all alone out there, that’s all,”

“Oh, dearie, you’re never truly alone,”

“Bullshit!”

“It’s true. The forest is just as alive as you and I. They will watch over the two of you wherever your journey takes you,”

“No offense, but you’re crazy,”

Razz laughed, a warm chime full of joy, “None taken, dearie. After all you’re just as sane as I am,”

“You said that you were like me once. Light Hope- that’s some creepy hologram lady- told me that you were… like me. A weakness,”

Razz spit on the floor, surprising Catra, “Light Hope. Now _she’s_ crazy. She was always hard on my Mara. There’s no doubt she’s even worse on yours,”

“What happened? With Mara, I mean,”

“Ah, a long story… but I supposed there’s no better time to tell it. It was about a thousand years ago-"

“Hold up! You’re _how_ old?”

“One-thousand twenty-six and counting, dearie, I look good, no?” she laughed again, “I was once healed by Mara and it went a bit better than we expected, but I’ll get to that. You must understand, I loved my Mara very much. Still do. Once you love someone you can never really stop… even when they’re gone,” Razz’s voice dipped somberly and her eyes glazed over with sorrow. An old wound that never really healed, “We were in love, but she had a destiny to fulfill. She was a First One and I was an Etherian. Classic love story, dearie, one not unlike your own,”

“_Mine?_ Mine isn’t a love story, Razz, not anymore. This thing with me and Adora? It was never love for her, it might have been for me, but… I don’t even think love exists anymore,”

“Whatever you say, dearie,” Razz gave her a sad but knowing smile before continuing, “The First Ones were the first ones to really figure out and control the planet, harnessing its powers through its runestones. The most powerful one of all… the key to the planet itself… was the Power Stone, or the Stone of Protection,”

“The stone in She-Ra’s sword,”

“Correct, dearie! The role of She-Ra was passed from First One to First One down the generations. Usually they were hand selected by a priest at birth and raised in a temple until they are ready. Mara was born into a time of war. I was as well. Horde Prime had first begun his clones and had his eyes set on Etheria,”

“Hold up, Horde _who_?”

“Eh, you’ll see. Where were we? Oh, yes! Due to the war, She-Ra was more important than ever. The First Ones told us it was crucial to keep the line of She-Ra going, but being She-Ra was no easy feat. My dear Mara had been trained to be, as the perfect She-Ra was envisioned, free from the confines of emotion. Though our love was strong, we knew it could not last if she were to be the savior. I grew bitter and distrusting of the First Ones, but my Mara was unshakably loyal to them. I knew there was something else going on that the First Ones did not want getting out. They were colonizers after all, just like the Horde,”

“Wait, something isn’t adding up. The Horde only appeared in Etheria twenty-four years ago. They couldn't of been around back then!”

“Ah, but this was not the Horde as you know it, dearie. It was years later that Hordak arrived and forged his mock army. Compared to that force, this new regime is nothing,”

“The portal. More Horde was supposed to come out the other end,”

“Exactly! But Hordak is a fool. This planet means nothing to them. The First Ones were who made this planet valuable. And they are no longer here,”

“What does that mean for us?”

“Who knows? Mara did not believe me when I insisted that the First Ones weren’t the righteous beings they appeared to be. It drove a wedge between us. The Horde loomed closer and Mara’s burdens were overwhelming. We were still desperately in love and we didn’t know how much longer we had. So we were married,”

“Married? What’s that?”

“It’s a lot to explain… It’s like a promise. A promise to love and cherish each other for the rest of your days. A promise to stay by each other’s side until the end. A declaration of love so strong that it binds you to that one person for as long as you both shall live… and beyond. It makes you family and often leads to children. We never had any, it was not the time for that, with the war and all. The First Ones weren’t happy when they found out. She-Ra is supposed to stay chaste so they tried to get the marriage annulled, but the damage was already done. They started pulling her away from me. It was around that time that she realized the truth. The First Ones intended to wipe out the Etherians and turn the entire planet into an Eternian colony. She-Ra was not a protector of the people, but a protector of their people. So Mara made a choice. With the Horde and the First Ones threatening everything she had to move the planet. The First Ones fled back to Eternia to escape the destruction. Light Hope is the only remaining informational a.i. still operational. So many died when she moved the planet to Despondos. Including Mara herself. I was almost taken from this life as well, but she used the last of her power as She-Ra to ensure my survival. She died on her ship in the Crimson Waste. But you know this… you’ve seen it, have you not?”

“How did you kno-“

“I know, dearie. I have knowledge of many things,”

Catra thought back to the portal. When she became corrupted her mind turned to sludge as information was funnel in. All of Adora’s insecurities fusing with her own. One of the things the portal told her was who Adora really was. A First One.

“If the First Ones aren’t all good and just, and Adora is being trained by Light Hope, who is loyal to the First Ones… doesn’t that mean Adora’s working for the ‘bad guys’?”

“She has not realized it yet. I do not know what Light Hope has been telling her. As long as we remain in Despondos there is little Light Hope can do. As long as Adora’s passion stays strong she will not stray from the path of good,”

Catra threw her head back and cackled, “So perfect little Adora is working for the baddies? Oh, the irony. She can’t seem to follow her precious morals, can she? Either she sides with the genocidal Horde or the genocidal First Ones. This is too good!”

“Careful, dearie. Your hate for Adora is only hurting yourself. You think you can take the pain, but you don’t have to. It took a long time after Mara's death for me to feel okay again. I have hope that you can, as well,”

“You think I don’t know how unhealthy this is? This is my life! I fucking know! Thanks for your story, but I don’t need you to tell me how to live. Goodnight, Razz,” she slipped into her bed roll and closed her eyes.

The information was too much. None of this should matter to her anymore. She’s done with She-Ra and the war.

Marriage. It was the name of what she once longed for with Adora. In a way they were already married.

_But she left you. **But she hates you.**_

_You hate her too._

And Catra could almost believe that was true. Almost.

\---

She-Ra was unstoppable. She tore through the gaggle of Horde soldiers with ease. It was only a matter of time before they were calling to retreat.

The attack on the settlement had worried Glimmer, so Adora offered to diffuse the situation to keep her friend’s nerves at bay. They all feared an attack at their most vulnerable. This was a reassurance.

She closed in on a soldier, sword at the ready. She lunged with the strength of a goddess, knocking the butt of the sword on the soldier’s helmet, effectively knocking them out. From the side of the outpost came another, who she turned to face. They were persistent, lifting their staff up in challenge.

_Idiot._

It became clear after a few clashes that Adora recognized this soldier’s fighting style. She knocked the staff from their hand and pushed them to the ground, holding them at sword point with one hand and removing their helmet with the other.

It was Rogelio.

This Rogelio had a Horde-issued eyepatch over his right eye. There were marks barely visible. Claw marks. She knew those marks...

*What? Surprised to see me?* he signed smugly.

“Who did this to you?”

*Why do you care?*

“You were my friend once,”

*Yeah, _once._ Guess you should of thought about that before you left us.*

“Answer me now! Who did this?”

*Doesn’t matter. She’s dead now.*

Her ears rang, head spinning. No, it couldn’t be. Maybe it wasn’t who she thought it was.

“Who!?”

*C-A-T-R-A. She’s dead. Committed suicide about five days ago. Jumped off some high place. She’s tried before. She’s gone.*

_She’s gone._

_ **She’s gone.** _

**** _S_  
H  
E  
‘  
S 

**** _G_  
O  
N  
E 

She ran and ran and ran, everything was crumbling around her. It was like she was back in the portal again. Back where everything fell apart. She was falling, falling, falling like Catra. She thought she had let her go. She thought she could take it. She was wrong. 

It was a while until she could form the strength to pick herself up and drag herself back to Bright Moon. She walked past everyone numbly and locked herself in her bedroom. She didn’t come out for a long time. 


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adora isn't doing well and Catra and Lonnie start again.

“Hey, Adora?” Bow knocked on his friend’s door, “It’s, um, been a few days now. Do you wanna, maybe, tell us what’s wrong?”

No reply. Bow sighed and almost walked away. This time he was determined to figure out what it was. At first he thought it was because of Angella or the portal, but now he wasn’t so sure. It all started after her mission a few days prior. Something must have happened.

“Come on, Adora, please! I… I can’t lose you too…”

Adora’s heart broke further. After Angella died- or was trapped forever between dimensions which for an immortal being is good as dead- Glimmer had gotten distant and cold. She had been visiting Shadow Weaver, who was awarded with her own room after she helped Glimmer, which Adora was highly opposed to, frequently. Adora was no better, throwing herself into her training, until now, when she hardly moved at all.

“C-come in, Bow,” she called in a small, hoarse voice.

“Woah, what happened?” her room looked as if a cyclone blew through it. Adora only muttered unintelligibly in response. Adora was strewn across her bed in sweaty bed clothes, hair down and full of tangles, cuddling an empty bottle of wine.

“Stop staring, I know what you’re thinking!”

“Adora, talk to me,” he sat on the edge of the bed, attempting to ignore the stench.

“I see her everywhere, Bow…”

“Angella?”

“Ca… Cat…” she buried her face in her pillow and sobbed.

“Oh. What she did was horrible. It’s okay for you to feel upset over her, but she made her choice. You can’t beat yourself up over it forever,”

Adora shook her head, wondering how in the world she was going to say this without falling apart again, “She’s… She’s g-gone, Bow, you don’t understand. I’m just so… and she’s gone and…”

“What do you mean?”

“If… If I tell you don’t tell Glim- Glimmer, o-okay?”

“Why, what is it?”

“She’ll only make it worse, she hates her, I know she does, and…”

“I won’t tell her until you’re ready, I promise,”

Adora sobbed again at the promise and held her friend’s hand, squeezing it tight.

Bow winced at the fingers crushing his own, “Wow, sometimes I forget how strong you are… Okay, Adora, I’m here for you. I know that Catra did awful, awful things, and hurt you a lot and-"

“Catra’s dead, Bow!” the words didn’t sound real coming out of her own mouth.

“What? How!?”

“Rogelio said she… killed herself. That she jumped,”

Bow didn’t ask who that was, “Are you sure he wasn't just lying to catch you off-guard?”

“I checked in with the guards who monitor the Horde. The announcement was dated a week ago. She’s really g-gone!” she embraced him and sobbed some more.

“Why would she do that? Why would she…?”

Adora shook her head, though she did have some ideas. She wasn’t entirely blind to Catra’s suffering. Bow was thinking as well. His mind went to the unsettling confrontation in the hallway. Some of the things Catra and Shadow Weaver said didn’t sit right with him.

“What are you thinking about?”

“Oh, nothing, just trying to… figure things out,”

“Me too… We’re going to get through this Adora,”

_But it hurts so bad…_

“Does Shadow Weaver know?”

“No one else knows outside of us and the Horde,”

“Hm. Do you think they gave her a good funeral?”

“Suicide is a disgrace in the Horde. No one will even be allowed to mourn…”

“I know she meant a lot to you, Adora, despite everything she’s done. I’ll… I’ll give you some space,” he got up to leave.

“Thanks. Shadow Weaver should know. I’m going to, uh,” she crinkled her nose, “freshen up first,”

Bow gave her a small laugh and a sad smile before leaving. Adora prepared to see Shadow Weaver.

\---

“Here we are! This is the village I told you about,” Lonnie gestured in front on her.

“Finally. So, now that we’re here where are we going to stay? These cloaks won’t disguise us forever. My face is not so popular around here. Around anywhere, really,”

“Well, we can’t do anything about your face… unfortunately,” she added, getting her a shove from Catra, “but we can find an inn to stay in. Razz gave us some currency, so we should be set with that. We’ll need jobs eventually. Apparently, people here have to do shit like manual labor in exchange for little coins to buy things with. And about being recognized, we should do fine as long as you shut your damn mouth and let me do the talking,”

Catra wanted to protest, but only rolled her eyes. She pulled the hood further over her face, and they tread into town. It was similar to Thaymore, but less hippie. 

Children ran and played along the main road and on a path to the right street vendors lined up along the market place, selling food that made Catra’s stomach growl. She tugged Lonnie in the direction of the meat. Lonnie grudgingly bought her some.

“Holy shit!” Catra exclaimed with her mouth half-full. The meat was bursting with flavor. She had never eaten anything other than Horde rations, prom hors d'oeuvres, some type of desert meat from the waste, or Razz’s soups and pies. Her eyes watered with the realization that she almost wasn’t alive to get to try it.

“Getting emotional over meat, Catra?”

“Shut up!”

“I gotta say, it’s a huge improvement over ration bars. _Anything’s_ an improvement over ration bars. I got to try some when I came here for questions,”

“And you didn’t bring me back any!?”

“You’re eating it now, aren’t you?”

Catra grumbled in response.

They eventually arrived at a quaint little building called “Unity Bed and Breakfast”. Lonnie dealt with getting them rooms while Catra went to the bar.

The bartender rolled his eyes and gestured to a sign behind him.

“Minimum Age: 21 Standard Years”

Catra growled, “How young do you think I am?” she was two years under, but he didn’t need to know that. He narrowed his eyes at her. What if he recognized her? Catra figured aggression wasn’t going to work here like it did in the Crimson Waste.

“Come on!” Lonnie grabbed her by the arm, ignoring her protests, “I just got our room and you are not getting us kicked out! We’ll find your booze elsewhere. I had to give us fake names. You are Felise, since, ya’ know, feline,”

“Ha ha ha, so funny,”

“And I’m Alonza. I saw it written on a sign somewhere and thought it sounded cool,”

“What if it was written on a sign because it’s already someone’s name?”

“I don’t care, I like it and it’s mine now,”

“That’s the spirit!” Catra laughed as they approached their room, which had a deep “3” carved into the door. Lonnie inserted the key and they went in.

Catra plopped down on one of the two beds, “I call this one!”

“Whatever. I heard that some inns don’t wash the bed sheets. Maybe we can find a black-light and make sure nobody jizzed on them,”

That made Catra shoot off of the bed in disgust.

“Stop playing around, Lonnie! I’m going to take a shower then go gather some intel,”

“Don’t you hate showers?”

“You’d rather have me smelling like this? Besides if I skip out again Sh- Oh, right. Never mind,”

For Catra, habits are hard to break.

Logically she knows Shadow Weaver’s gone. That she left her for Adora again.

_Adora…_

As the water ran down her thin fur she closed her eyes and imagined she was back in the Horde in the communal showers. Adora helping her brush through her crazy mane of tangles. Her hands ran through the ghost of her hair, stopping short because of the cut, ruining the immersion. The memories spurred on that ache deep in her heart, so she opened her eyes and finished up.

Lonnie joined her an hour into her late-afternoon exploration of the village. Seeing people happy, living a life free of the overwhelming pain Catra has felt for as long as she could remember brought on a pang of jealousy.

_All these poor, simple people._

_And they still get to win._

_ **While you always lose.** _

Lonnie put a reassuring hand to Catra’s shoulder. Catra would have bit it off if she had the energy. Her day had turned gray. Not literally, of course, for the sky was a glorious blue. It reminded her of She-Ra’s eyes, not as Adora, but as She-Ra. It put a bad taste in her mouth.

“AHHHH!”

She turned around in alarm. Horns sounded and people ran into their homes. Out of the wood came a large bug monster. Great, now she had to deal with this too?

Lonnie extended the staff she kept in her waistband.

“What are you doing!?”

“We can’t just stand here!” and with that, Lonnie charged. Catra rolled her eyes once before joining her, claws at the ready.

The beast charged upon seeing them. They easily evaded. After a bit of a struggle, Catra only had to slide under it with her claws raised to its stomach for it to be all over. Lonnie reeled back before hitting it hard with the staff, delivering the finishing blow. In a rush of adrenaline the girls rushed forward and high-fived, giggling. It was almost like they were back in training.

Then came the applause. They turned around, facing the crowd of villagers whooping and cheering. A deer-woman with an accent they didn’t recognize rushed forward.

“What is your names, young champions?”

“Uh, Lo-” Lonnie remembered her cover name, “Alonza. Yup, that’s my name,”

“And you?”

“Oh, it’s um…” her mind drew up blank. She looked to Lonnie, who mouthed ‘Felise’, “Felise,”

“Perfect! Everyone!” she lifted their hands, “Alonza et Felise!”

Catra blushed and looked towards the ground as the crowd erupted into more cheers.

“We ‘ave been needing a new sheriff after the last one was, well, put out of commission,”

Which meant either dead or permanently injured.

“What do ‘ou say, yes?”

Lonnie beamed. This solved their job problem. Catra gave her a look before leaning in to whisper.

“Lonnie!” she whispered, moving her away from who she now assumed was the mayor, “They’ll recognize me immediately, I need to turn it down!”

“What!? Their giving us jobs! Plus, I know how much you like recognition for your achievements. What are you afraid of, it’s not like these guys could recognize our fighting style!”

“You can take the job, but I’m lying low,”

“Fine!”

“Fine!”

Lonnie walked back to the confused mayor.

“I graciously accept! But Felise here would rather do something more domestic,” Catra glared at her.

“Well, we do need a new daycare teacher. Are ‘ou good wit’ the kiddos?”

Catra didn’t know what to say.

“I… guess?”

“Alright then it is settled!”

And as the crowd cheered Catra couldn’t help but be reminded of the gang from the Crimson Waste.

_How long until you ruin this too?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The mayor has a French accent btw.
> 
> Edit: Adora's p.o.v. takes place _before_ Catra's. I will elaborate more in chapter 12's notes.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adora confronts Shadow Weaver and goes to Light Hope for proof.
> 
> (Please read notes after)

Adora took a deep breath. This was it.

“Adora, my child, I know you’re there. Come in,”

She opened the door and took a cautious step in.

“No need to be shy, we’re all on the same team now,”

“You’re on no one’s team, but your own!”

“Come now, no need to be so ill-tempered. Come sit with me,” she gestured next to her on the bed.

“I’d rather stand, thanks,” 

“There is something troubling you, I can sense it,”

Adora laughed, “Of course you can! You always know everything don’t you? You probably already know what I’m here to say,”

“I had my suspicions, but something in your manner tells me that this will not be light news. I implore you, sit,”

Adora sighed in defeat and sat next to her mother-figure on the bed, “This isn’t going to be easy,”

“Nothing ever is, is it?”

“I suppose… A part of me doubts you’ll even care,”

“Then there’s no point in keeping it from me any longer, spit it out,”

“I ran into Rogelio on a mission the other day,”

“Ah, Rogelio. Tough boy, but clumsy. Not as ruled by emotions as Catra, but…” Adora stiffened upon hearing Catra’s name, “Ah, there we go. This is about her,”

“Don’t you speak her name!”

“Why not? What is it Adora, what happened?”

Adora’s hands had a death grip on the sheets and she shook, tears falling once more.

“Oh, I raised you better than that, child,” Shadow Weaver chided, reaching out and wiping the tears from Adora’s face, at which she winced, “She hurt you, didn’t she? A monster like that can only hurt, Adora, I tried to warn you-“ Adora slapped her hand away and stood up.

“SHE’S DEAD, SHADOW WEAVER! SHE FUCKING KILLED HERSELF, YOU DON’T GET TO- Y-you don’t…” she sobbed, “That… t-that’s all I wanted to say,” she went to the door to leave.

“Wait!"

Adora turned around. Shadow Weaver’s voice softened.

“How long ago was this?”

“A week ago, but I only found out recently,”

“How did she die?”

“She jumped. Rogelio said she tried before… it wasn’t an accident,”

Shadow Weaver nodded.

“What are you thinking?”

Shadow Weaver paused for a moment.

“I’m... disappointed. It seems even in the end she’s always failing me. Those not strong enough to last in this life don’t deserve to live in it. I’m surprised actually…” she looked Adora in the eyes through her broken mask, “She should have done it sooner. It would have saved everyone a lot of trouble. She deserved a more painful death,”

Anger coursed through Adora. Her ears rang, her lips curled into a snarl, she stepped forward, raising a fist, before putting it down and turning around once more.

“You’re not worth it,” she simply said before walking out and back to her room.

_“Oh, Adora, why do you defend this animal? She is worthless, you hear me? Worthless! The attention you give her is only spurring her misbehavior,”_

_“Because I love her!”_

_“Love? You know nothing of love, child! You do not love her. She certainly doesn’t love you. She is incapable of such an emotion. Love is earned. She does not deserve it. You will no longer speak of such things, Adora, I forbid you!”_

\---

“Light Hope!”

“Adora. I am pleased to see you. You haven’t shown up for training since your recent excursion. I was getting worried,”

“Light Hope, I’m not here to train! I need answers, Catra, she-"

“Yes. The one you call Catra has been confirmed deceased for seven days now,”

“You knew?”

“Of course. My mainframe gets all incoming news reports,”

“Light Hope, I need proof. I need to know for certain, please!”

“All security footage from seven days ago featuring Catra have been deleted,”

“Didn’t you scan her when we were stuck in here?”

“As a matter of fact, I put a tracker on her consciousness when she was last here. I knew how dangerous she could be for you and wanted to keep a closer eye on her. I can run her stored memories if you’d like,”

“You can do that!? That would be perfect,”

“I will commence an update sequence. This may take a while,” Light Hope stared blankly for a moment, “Update completed,”

“That was fast… Light Hope, show me when the activity ends… when she died,”

Light Hope had to make a decision. She had detected that Catra’s activity was still... well, active, but it would be for the greater good and for the best interest of She-Ra to keep this information hidden. She scanned Catra’s memories for something she could use. She found it. A memory from six days after the portal backfired. This would do.

“Now showing memory,” She flickered away and the room went dark.

When life returned to the room, she was in one of the Fright Zone’s crowded hallways. A distraught Catra pushed her way through the crowd. The look on her face just about broke Adora’s heart.

She followed Catra through the corridors as she ignored everyone and everything in her quest to end her life. Catra’s sides were bleeding, her own claw marks marking deep gashes in her arms. 

Catra passed their old barracks. As Adora caught up closer to her she saw heavy tears in her old friend’s eyes. Catra started running faster, Adora struggled to keep up. They soon came upon their old spot and watched helplessly as Catra began to climb. She struggled after her.

Once at the top, she saw Catra looking out at the view they had seen together so many times before. She crept closer and tried to wrap her arms around the girl in front of her, passing right through her. She slid to the ground in tears.

“It’s so beautiful…” she could hardly hear Catra mutter.

Adora got up and stood between Catra and the ledge.

“N-no, Catra… p-please! Don’t!” she pressed her lips to the hologram’s lightly.

“I love you, Adora…”

“NO!”

Catra closed her eyes and leaped through Adora. The room went dark once more.

Adora collapsed to the ground in tears.

“Do you see now, Adora?”

Adora only sobbed harder.

“There, there,” she bent down and patted- and passed through- Adora’s shaking form with a pixelated hand.

Adora didn’t get up for a while.

When she finally did, she said nothing.

“If you are still here, you might as well train,”

Adora raised her sword weakly to the sky.

“For the Honor of Grayskull…” she said emptily.

Despite her lack of enthusiasm, she transformed.

After a few rounds of holographic bots it was clear that her mind was still elsewhere.

Light Hope started to doubt whether keeping Catra’s life a secret was a good idea.

She reluctantly said goodbye as She-Ra left.

Once outside, She-Ra heard a noise. The sound of rustling leaves and a flash of something familiar at the end of her vision.

Great. Now she’s seeing things.

She de-transformed and smoothed back a piece of her hair that had come loose. Then she stepped off the path, and walked back to the palace in silence. It was time to tell everyone about Catra.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Adora learning of Catra's death takes place the same day Catra cut her hair. Adora's storyline is earlier in time than Catra's storyline. Adora's timeline will eventually catch up, but for the time being, I will include in the notes what time in Catra's storyline that Adora's takes place in.
> 
> I also went back and fixed a few things since last chapter. I changed some dialogue (adding "I love you, Adora..." and changing Scorpia's motivations in chapter three a little bit as per request) and also fixed timeline mishaps, such as how long Entrapta was on Beast Island and when Rogelio said Catra killed herself.
> 
> Here is the official timeline of this fic:
> 
> 6 days after s3 = The Jump Attempt (ch. 2)  
9 days after s3 = Scorpia defects (ch. 3)  
11 days after s3 = Catra banishes Kyle (ch. 4)  
13 days after s3 = Lonnie is assigned to Catra (ch. 4)  
18 days after s3 = Catra injures Rogelio (ch. 5)  
19 days after s3 = Catra is found out by Hordak (ch. 6)  
24 days after s3 = Lonnie saves Catra (ch. 6)  
25 days after s3 = Catra and Lonnie arrive at Razz's hut / Catra is declared dead by the Horde (ch. 6)  
27 days after s3 = (ch. 7)  
30 days after s3 = Catra cuts her hair and gain hope (ch. 7) / Adora finds out about Catra's "death" (ch. 10)  
32 days after s3 = Entrapta and Kyle are rescued (ch. 8) / Catra speaks to Light Hope and decides to leave (ch. 9) / Adora goes to Light Hope for proof of Catra's death (ch.12)  
38 days after s3 = Catra talks to Razz and learns about the First Ones (ch. 10)  
39 days after s3 = Lonnie and Catra leave Razz's hut and find the village, they save them and are awarded with jobs.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Catra is still struggling to understand her new life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The first half of this chapter has quite a bit of blood in it. Just skip the italicized part if you don't want to read it.

_They ran together through the maze that was the Fright Zone._

_Hand in hand. Heart in heart._

_“Come over here!” Adora giggled, pulling the fellow six-year-old into a nearby closet._

_“Wow!”_

_The closet was filled with paper. A forest of beige military-grade parchment marked in the corners with the Horde’s symbol stamped on._

_“I found it the other day. Pretty cool, huh? Catra!”_

_Catra held a piece in her hand, starting to fold it in curiosity._

_“What?”_

_“Don’t touch anything! Resources are really,” she struggled to pronunciate, “val-oo-a-ball. Shadow Weaver’s gonna be mad!”_

_Catra groaned and set the paper back down. The two girls crawled among the stacks in awe._

_“Let’s pretend its snow!”_

_“What’s snow?”_

_“I don’t know exactly. I just know that it’s white and cold and that it covers the entire ground in some places with Horde outposts. You’d know if you payed attention in lessons,”_

_“I do pay attention!”_

_“Then why does Shadow Weaver hurt you?”_

_She faltered, the room flickering in and out of focus. It went dark for a second, and when the lights returned Adora was gone._

_She looked around in a panic. She froze as her eyes returned to the stacks of paper._

_They were no longer blank._

_They were letters._

_Her letters._

_Piles and piles of her letters stacking up, up, up to the ceiling._

_She was drowning in them._

_She struggled to escape the tidal wave, gagging as the paper cut her throat and her head went under. Her hands grasped desperately against the wall. A knob._

_It was a door._

_She rushed inside, holding it shut behind her._

_There were no windows in the room. It was bare and ancient._

_There was only a single desk. The same desk from her quarters back in the Horde._

_At that desk was a woman, her wild brown hair cut short._

_It was herself._

_Six-year-old Catra crept quietly closer._

_Her older self was writing._

_Her older self was crying._

_She placed a comforting hand on her shoulder. The woman stilled._

_Young Catra felt a force push her back against the wall. Adult Catra’s hand went to her neck, which was obscured by her hair, before slumping face down._

_She heard distorted gagging and a chill passed through her entire body from the tops of her ears to the tip of her tail._

_Dark liquid oozed from atop the desk dripping to the floor. With closer inspection she realized what it was. Where it was coming from…_

_The stream of blood seemed endless. It filled the floor of the room and was rising. Young Catra cowered for a second in horror before trudging towards the desk. The only dry spot was on the letter. Blood covered the page except for two words at the top._

_“Hey, Adora,” _

_The words echoed in her own voice and reverberated off of the walls. The distortion was familiar and filled her with dread. She looked to the face of the limp, dead Older Catra. Half of her face was black and purple, bright and dark. Her neck was cut oven on her own claw and out gushed more and more blood. Never-ending blood._

_The portal corruption continued to spread until it consumed the body. The room continued to be filled._

_Then she opened her eyes._

_They were pitch black._

Catra awoke breathing hard and falling off of the hotel bed.

She angrily wiped the tears from her eyes and got up.

Lonnie was already gone. Catra assumed she left early for her shift as the village sheriff.

The clock on the far wall read 11:17. Her work at the day care started at noon.

Her first day on the job had been confusing and disastrous. She had fumbled though the lesson plan provided for her, trying to avoid connecting with the kids too personally.

This seemed to anger the little rascals and get them worked up. She could tell that they hated her. Except for a few of them, who thought she was cool. Other than them they hated her.

Today was her third day and she wanted to turn things around. If things continued like this she would get fired and Catra just couldn’t take another failure right now.

When she got to the day care center she was stopped by the childcare manager, a kind old man named Atum. Today he had with him a pre-teen satyr girl with curly black hair and a grumpy disposition.

“Felise! Good morning. This is Emina, your TA, or teaching assistant. She seemed very interested in teaching so I sent her your way to start off with the toddlers. She’s also my eleven-year-old niece. The two of you will be spending a lot of time together so I’d suggest you get to know eachother. Anyways, I’m off,”

“Uh… Hi,”

Emina ignored her and looked down shyly.

“Okay then. Let’s go in,”

The nursery was a main room filled with little wooden children’s toys and pillows. There was a small library in the corner and a desk where Catra usually sat near a chalkboard. Catra pulled up a chair from a stack and dragged it next to her desk.

“You can sit here, I guess,” Emina nodded. Catra cleared her thoat, “The kids should be arriving soon. You can… do whatever until then,” Emina nodded again, “What’s a niece?”

“Huh?”  
“It was what Atum called you. ‘Niece’,”

“Are you serious?”

“Uh, yeah, why wouldn’t I be?”

“Don’t you have a family?”

“Nope,”

“Well, a niece or nephew is the kid of your sibling. Ya’ know, your brothers and sisters,” Catra nodded, confused, “Please tell me you know what a those are,”

“I’ve heard of them. Don’t know what they are,”

“Are you messing with me? Because it’s not funny!”

“Do I look like I’m joking?”

“I suppose not… a sibling, a brother or sister, is people who have the same parents as you. The same mom and dad, which are-“

“I know what those are!” she snapped.

“Okay, okay! Geez,”

“Sorry, Emina, for, uh, being harsh, I’m just… bad with people,”

“Me too,” Emina gave her a small smile, “You can call me Emi, by the way. Most people do,”

“Alright, Emi,”

“So a niece is the daughter of your sibling. I’m his sister’s daughter. That makes him my uncle,”

“I think I understand now,”

“Where do you come from?”

Catra sighed, “Nowhere important,”

“And you’ve spent your whole life all alone?”

“Not exactly… I’m not really comfortable sharing all that stuff. I’m done focusing on where I’ve been. It’s where I’m going that counts,”

“Why did you turn down the job as the sheriff? You’re friend sure loves it. You’re definitely a fighter,”

“It’s complicated, kid,”

“Waaaaah!”

Their heads turned to the door as a disgruntled mother dragging a screaming toddler entered the nursery.

“Shh, shh, it’s okay!”

“Waah! Mama, I do’ wanna go, I do’ wanna go!”

Catra groaned. She was not in the mood to be dealing with this today. She waited for the mother to do something. To slap the kid and tell him off. To pull him aside and scare away his tears. Nothing happened.

“I’m so sorry! He’s not usually like this!”

“It’s fine, just sign him in,”

After signing the sheet she turned, “Okay, Leo, mama’s got to go to work now. Those crops aren’t gonna plant themselves. You be good for Ms. Felise now, alright?”

“NO!” he kicked his mother in the leg. She in turn grabbed his pudgy wrist. Here it comes.

“We do not kick, young man!” the boy screamed and attempted to escape his mother’s grasp. She bent down to his level, “Honey,” she said softly, “Say sorry,”

“No!”

“Do you want to be able to play with Luka later?” he nodded, “Then you’re gonna have to say sorry,”

He grumbled, avoiding his mother’s eyes, “I’m sorry, mama,”

“It’s okay, love. What do we say?”

“No kicking, hitting, or…” he thought for a moment “farting!” he giggled.

“Biting,”

_“Biting,”_

She kissed his cheek and sent him on his way. Catra was stunned.

“How did you do that?” she asked her.

“Do what?”

“Get him to do what you want without… you know…”

“What?”

“Never mind,”

The mother shrugged and went on her way.

“What were you going to say?” Emi asked.

“I said never mind, okay? It was nothing, let’s just move on,”

Moving on.

That’s what Catra should be doing.

She should get this.

She should understand.

Why was that so damn hard to do?


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adora tells the rebellion about Catra.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS IS UNRELATED BUT MY LITTLE SISTER JUST GOT THE NEW SPOP GUIDE BOOK AT HER THIRD GRADE BOOK FAIR AND ITS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE OUT YET???  
I POSTED LEAKS TO TWITTER NOW EVERYONE FERAL WE DID IT GAYS

“There’s… there’s a reason I called this meeting. There has been some new information from the Horde released to the public and… it needs to be shared,” Adora looked out at the Princess Alliance + Castaspella, Huntara, and Scorpia. The last of whom, despite being a princess herself, not fully trusted in the alliance yet. Glimmer sat uncomfortably in her mother’s seat. Adora hates that chair. Every time Glimmer sits in it she looks like she’s going to be sick. It just doesn’t feel right for Angella to be gone. Then again nothing felt right anymore.

Bow put a comforting arm around his friend. Adora’s eyes locked with Scorpia’s.

_How am I supposed to do this?_

“I need to sit down,” Bow helped her fall into her chair, breathing hard.

“It’s okay, take your time, Adora,”

“Ugh, just get this over with already,” Mermista groaned.

Adora cleared her throat, “Eight days ago Force Captain Catra was found dead. It… It was a confirmed suicide,” she couldn’t stop the tears. She could read the shock and relief (in some of the princess’s cases) on their faces. But the look on Scorpia? She had to turn away.

Scorpia let out a cry of anguish and ran from the room. Adora let her. The room fell into a haunting silence.

It wasn’t until later that Adora found Scorpia again.

She sat quietly. Somberly. Her expression blank and her face red from crying.

“How long have you known about this?” she spoke at last.

“I heard from Rogelio a few days ago. Light Hope confirmed yesterday,”

“And you didn’t think to tell me first?” Scorpia glared tearfully at the blonde. She didn’t give a shit who this Light Hope was or how she knew about Catra.

“I-“ Adora hadn’t thought about that. Scorpia seemed close with Catra. Adora still felt a pang of jealousy out of habit when she thought about it. But she should be above the way Catra clung to Scorpia’s arm at the dance. The way she carried her away in the Northern Reach…

“Of course you didn’t, because you don’t care about Catra! Or didn’t care about Catra, because she’s gone and you know what? I blame you!”

This made Adora’s blood boil, her body light up in anger, “ARE YOU SERIOUS RIGHT NOW!?”

Scorpia jumped in surprise at the sudden shout. The river of tears returned to Adora’s eyes as she yelled out.

“You will never understand how I feel, how I felt, about her, you have no right to tell me that I don’t care! I fucking loved her, alright! You have no idea how hard t-this i-is…” Adora dropped to her knees and  
covered her eyes. She sobbed, “I can’t do this anymore, just leave. Go back to the Horde, I don’t care,”

“Adora… I’m sorry, okay. She… she never stopped caring about you. But I can’t go back. Hordak knows I deserted, there’s nothing left for me there,”

“You can stay, I may have overreacted… I’m just going to need some time,” she stood up.

“So will I… Was Catra always like that? Suicidal, I mean,”

“If she was I never noticed. There’s a lot of stuff I never noticed… Had she tried to end it before? After I left?”

“Yes…”

“Mm. When?”

“About six days after the portal. She ran out and tried to jump from the roof. I saved her just in time, but even when she thought she was going to die… she said she loved you…”

Adora’s head snapped up, “When Light Hope showed me her death she said that too,”

“What did you see?”

“Her. Running through the Fright Zone. Climbing up to our usual spot on the roof, looking out, and then…”

“That’s how it happened before I saved her. Almost exactly…”

“What are you saying?”

“I’m saying that maybe this Light Hope person showed you, however she did show you, the wrong time,”

“But that’s impossible,”

“Is it, though? How well do you know-“

“She wouldn’t lie to me, I mean she hasn’t before, mostly just half-truths… She’s an artificial intelligence created by the First Ones to train She-Ra,”

“Princess Adora!”

They turned around. A guard approached them with a box.

“Ma’am, this was addressed to you at the gate. We didn’t see who delivered it,” It was about the size of a shoebox. Adora immediately recognized the Horde logo stamped on the side, “We had it thoroughly  
checked. It’s clear,”

Adora mumbled her thanks and took the box, opening it and peering confused at the content. Scorpia gasped.

“Catra’s letters!” 

Before Scorpia could stop her, Adora took out the first one and began reading. She read aloud. Adora assumed they were suicide notes. Scorpia deserved to know. She froze after reading the first line.

“Hey Adora,”

“They’re just letters that Catra would write. Coping and all that. I suggested it a while ago. I don’t know if she would have wanted us to read them, though,”

Adora read on anyways.

“’Hey Adora, This is stupid, you’ll never read this. And if you do that means I actually fucking did it and I’m gone.’ So a suicide note, then?”

“I don’t think so, look at the date,”

“I guess you’re right,” she cleared her throat and continued, “Scorpia suggested this a while ago, back before I fucked everything up again,’” Scorpia nodded, “Gods, you hate me now. You really do, I saw it in your eyes, I fucking saw it,'” Adora had to close her eyes a second.

“Well, did you?”

“I guess I did… Would you have, if you were me?”

“I could never hate her,”

“I used to think that too,” She looked away, “’I can’t smell you anymore here. Your smell was everywhere in the other world. The one we could’ve been happy in before you had to fucking ruin that too.’ Well that’s  
just not fair,” she let out a humorless laugh, “It doesn’t matter anymore, anyways, nothing’s fair. Catra understood that better than most, ‘Anyways... I need to write this shit or else I won’t be able to take it anymore. I’m not able to take it anymore,’” Scorpia nodded at that.

“You really hurt her,”

“And she really hurt me. She hurt a lot of people,”

“No one hurt as much as her,”

“And she hurt herself. And I’m sorry, but I can’t beat myself up over that anymore. Even if she’s gone,” she continued before Scorpia could retort, “‘I’ve been going over my scars recently, dragging my nails over them. It hurts but it keeps me anchored. You used to keep me anchored,’”

“How often had she done that before?”

“Hurt herself? She did that when we were younger. I was worried, but she never let me help her,”

“You should have tried harder,”

“I should have. “’I still dream about you every fucking night and you’re so real and you’re so loud, you’re-‘” she stopped to dry a tear, “’everywhere,’”

“I didn’t even think she was sleeping at that point,”

“Maybe that was why,”

“Maybe,”

She read on, “’I haven’t been eating. Scorpia used to make me, but she’s not around anymore. Because I fucked that up too.’ Is she talking about the portal? Didn’t think you were that opposed to it,”

“Maybe I just didn’t want to die!”

“I thought no one knew that the portal was unstable-“

“She knew, okay! Entrapta and I found out what would happen, and when Entrapta tried to stop her, she… she tasered her and sent her to Beast Island,”

“Beast Island!?”

“If you keep reading those you’ll find out more. I’m going to bed. Have fun reading, or whatever,” Scorpia pushed her as she passed. Adora looked at the page, reading in her head.

_“I wish that portal killed me. I wish it killed you too._  
_Then we’d be together until the end, like we were supposed to be._  
_I’ll write again the next time it happens._  
_The next time <strike>I try to end it</strike> the feelings and the voices return, which will be inevitably soon._  
_ <strike>I love you,</strike> _  
_ <strike>I hate you,</strike> _  
_Until next time,_  
_Catra"_

But there wouldn’t be a next time. Never again. Because Catra was dead…

_Light Hope._

There was something more going on here.

In the following days she poured over the letters.

Something didn’t make sense the timeline was all wrong.

What if Catra-

No. She couldn’t give herself hope.

Hope? Was that what that was?

Did she hope for Catra to be alive?

Or would she be better off if she stayed dead?


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Glimmer sees something she wasn't supposed to see.

“Force Captain Kyle reporting for duty!”

The title didn’t fit right on the scrawny, pathetic boy before him, but Lord Hordak had more important things to tend to.

Now that Entrapta was back, they could continue to work to repair the sanctum. It was nearly complete now. It wouldn’t be long until they could start investigating how to safely reopen the portal. The staggering failure had rocked Hordak to his rotten core, and he almost destroyed the lab further in frustration. Entrapta’s return and hopeful words were the only things keeping him sane.

“Ah, yes. Force Captain Kell,”

“Kyle,” Entrapta corrected happily from his side. He mustered up the most he could do: a patient smile.

“Yes… Kyle. I summoned you here to assign you your first mission. The insurgents have been defending the Anesian Stronghold with their disgusting lives, but they are growing weak. I predict it won’t be long before they fall to our mighty will. You are to accompany Commander Glizzlor to crush them while they’re down. You shoot to kill. Am I understood?”

The boy saluted, “Loud and clear, sir! I won’t let you down,”

“I know you won’t… if you value you’re life,”

He gulped, nodding more hesitantly now.

“You are dismissed!”

“Good luck!” Entrapta called after him. Once he was gone, Hordak turned to her, a slight flush to his cheeks.

“Entrapta,”

“Yes?”

“It is… good to have you back. I…” he turned away, redder, “Missed you,”

She smiled wide, wearing a matching blush, “I missed you, too,”

\---

“Shadow Weaver!”

“Ah, Glimmer. Good, I have something special planned for today’s lessons and-"

“Did you know?”

“Know what?”

“About Catra!”

“You mean about her fortunate demise? Of course. Adora informed me not long before she informed everyone else,”

Glimmer seethes.

“You’re angry, I see. I never meant to keep secrets from you, Your Majesty, I just didn’t see a right time. Or perhaps, you are angry because she stole your kill? Ending her own life before you could do it yourself,”

“That’s certainly part of it!”

“Good. Hold onto that anger, Glimmer, let it flow through you. Spite is a powerful weapon, especially where magic’s concerned. Perhaps it will help you in today’s lesson. For I will be teaching you the art of invading minds,”

Glimmer’s eyes lit up with ambition, the idea of such power surging her deepest desires.

_I could finally hear what those stupid nobles say about me behind closed doors._

_Finally hear what my friends really thought of me._

_Finally punish those who dare underestimate me…_

Shadow Weaver laughed, “I see that mind of yours working… Let’s begin. Sit parallel to me, if you please, and close your eyes,”

Glimmer did as she was told.

“Let that power, that anger, flow through you,”

Glimmer nodded, then concentrated.

“Now let it go,”

“What!?”

“The more troubled you are, the harder it will be. But the harder it will be, the more powerful the connection. Just keep that energy stored for now. You will need it later,”

Glimmer obeyed, clearing her mind.

“Picture me. Not as I appear, but rather how my aura does. What do you see?”

“You’re… dark…. And cold. So cold…” she shivered.

“Don’t lose focus!” she snapped, “Now… prepare to enter my mind. Imagine yourself floating closer to that aura. Until you and it are one,”

Glimmer began to glow. She instinctively reached out her hand, which Shadow Weaver eagerly took. Shadow Weaver had to focus on keeping Glimmer in a straight line, keeping walls up to guide her where she wanted her to go. Away from her memories and towards her thoughts. But she was unprepared.

She underestimated Glimmer’s power.

A rookie mistake.

Glimmer was moving faster now, her glide through the mindscape taking a sharp turn and breaking through the walls the sorceress had built. Shadow Weaver tried to move her hand, but it was stuck solid in Glimmer’s iron grip, magic twirling around the interlocking fingers. She opened her mouth to warn Glimmer to stop. No sound came out. She was powerless. And Shadow Weaver hated feeling powerless.

Shadow Weavers memories collided into Glimmer, but only a few enveloped her.

_Catra._

The person on her mind, the target of her loathing.

And now she was drowning in her.

_She was rounded a corner, dark energy masking her in the shadows. Drunk off the Black Garnet, and looking for an outlet._

_**Catra.**_

_About twelve years old. In the lockeroom, leaning over the sink, washing up._

_ **P e r f e c t** _

_Hand out, magic out._

_**C o m e h e r e, b a b y**_

_The furry head was yanked face down in the sink._

_She struggled. Shadow Weaver laughed. She pushed harder._

_Claws gripped the sides of the sink. Drowning. Struggling._

_Then she was pulled out, soaking wet, gasping for precious air._

_"Serves you right,” her own voice was so loud to her ears, the magic making her head loop, “Serves you right for skipping out on your training again, you fucking animal. Move along, or be drowned like one,”_

_The strike left the girl falling pathetically to the floor._

_She could hear the girl’s thoughts._

_Dark thoughts, not unlike her own._

_Telling the poor thing to kill herself._

_ **Y o u b e t t e r n o t y o u f u c k i n g** _

**F**  
**R**  
**E**  
**A**  
**K**

_She kicked her while she was down, before leaving her alone and hurting._

Glimmer was snapped right out of that memory and into another.

_Heaving hard. An ache so deep it could rip her apart. A need._

_ **I n e e d i t!** _

_ **I N E E D I T!** _

_She moaned in distress as she clung to the runestone._

_Recharging. Rejuvenating._

_The rush of power left her head feeling light and heady. Near intoxicated._

_That’s better._

_She nearly collapsed over her scrying bowl. With a click she removed her mask, desperately in need of fresh (or as fresh as you could get in the Fright Zone) air. She placed the mask on the edge of the bowl, sighing in relief as she gulped down air, feeling free in her never-ending prison of dependency._

_A sound. A gasp, she’s sure of it. She turns around and-_

A flicker of recognition in the viewer. Glimmer is almost pulled out when she sees Adora. With Catra. Couldn’t be more than six. Young and innocent… Almost. She slips back in with ease.

_“Get out!”_

_The girls run, but the attempt is feeble. She shrouds the room in a prison of darkness as Catra falls behind. Adora stops, trapped._

_“Catra, you stay,” she readjusts the mask to her face as she suspends Catra mid-run with her magic. With a flick of her wrist, Catra is turning to face the sorceress, “What do you think you’re doing in here?” her voice calm, composed. She must remind this beast of her power._ Her _power. **Hers!**_

_“We were just playing!” the creature protests._

_“Insolent child,” she loomed closer, closing in on the frail girl before her, whose eyes widen in fear. Little coward, “I’ve come to expect such disgraceful behaviors from you, but I will not allow you to drag Adora down as well!”_

_“Shadow Weaver, it wasn’t her fault, it was my idea, too!” Adora pleaded in vain._

_She ignored her, “You have never been anything more than a nuisance to me!” the red aura surrounding the girl, tightening its tendrils and plunging the small body into a sea of pain. Her claws gripped her palms hard to keep from crying out. She couldn’t scream. Shadow Weaver made sure of it, she watched the girl struggle with pleasure, “I’ve kept you around this long because Adora was fond of you, but if you ever do anything to jeopardize her future, I will dispose of you myself. Do you understand?” she looked as if she was about to cry, and the thought brought Shadow Weaver satisfaction._

_Suddenly, Adora was in front of the girl, arms out in a foolish attempt at protection, “Please, stop!”_

_She sighed and removed her shadows. Tendrils dissolving back from whence they came. She groaned, turning away, heading back to the Black Garnet. The show of authority had taken a lot from her._

_ **N e e d … I t …** _

_The girls exchanged a look. She didn’t relinquish her hold on the magicat. Adora ran after her mother-figure. Such a beautiful girl..._

_“She didn’t mean to!”_

_“Adora,” she leaned in close, “You must do a better job of keeping her under control,” Catra shook with pain, then fell as the called off the magic restraining her. She brushed back a single strand of Adora’s perfect blonde hair, “Do not let something like this happen again,” she watched as the young soldier’s eyes followed her movement, and winced when she gave her an affectionate pat. She turned back to the hurt monster staring up at the exchange with a devastating look in her heterochromatic eyes. Another imperfection. Such an abomination… but still she almost felt bad for her… almost._

Glimmer saw more. Glimmer saw many terrors. Many atrocious deeds committed by the sorceress she was choosing to trust. And this was only what she did to Catra. If her father had once been her pupil…

She flew back across the room, wincing as her back hit the wall painfully. She got up shakily. Shadow Weaver looked furious, but she quickly regained her demeanor.

“My, my, my,” she stepped cautiously forward, “Such power… Tell me, little one, how much did you see?”

“Enough to know that you’re a horrible person,”

“Tell me something I don’t know. You will have to be more specific,”

“I know what you did to Catra growing up. More like what didn’t you do! You’re a monster,”

“Keep telling yourself that. You keep blaming others and you’ll end up like her,” Glimmer got up to leave, “Oh, don’t be like that… I know you just as I knew your father. But you’re stronger than him, I can feel it! And more ambitious… this will not change the fact that you need me in order to never need anything else again. You need power, just as much as I do. You crave it,”

She continued to walk away, out of the room and as far away from the woman as possible.

But deep down she knew that she was right.

_How long are you going to play this game?_

_You can’t give up now that you’ve just started to win…_


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Catra decides to get therapy.

"Hey Adora,  
Work has been good. Better than I’d expected.  
Emi makes it bearable. A part of me aches to know I could have been a happy child.  
Like her. Like the toddlers, who only know how to drool and nap and eat and poop and cry.  
Cry, cry, cry.  
I get scared when they cry. Emi is always the one to go calm them down.  
I just don’t know what to do.  
She always holds them and shushes them softly.  
It’s… strange.  
I still don’t get it. There’s a lot of things I don’t here.  
You probably didn’t get a lot of things either when you went to live in your big fancy castle.  
With all your stupid fucking princess friends.  
I have no pity for you.  
I’m tired, so I’m closing off.  
Wishing you the worst,  
Catra"

Catra yawned and folded up the letter neatly. Marking it and tucking it into her dresser with the others. She didn’t bother locking these ones. Lonnie already knows she writes them so there’s no point.

“Hey, Catra!” Lonnie entered the small motel room with a bag of some kind of fried treat in one hand and a bag with familiar-looking bottles sticking from it in the other.

“Lonnie! You got me alcohol! You’re a real sweetie, you know that?” she taunted, but gave her friend a smile in gratitude.

“Take that back, bitch!” she laughed, setting down her bags carefully and giving Catra a noogie. Lonnie’s noogies were different than Adora’s. They were both goofy, sure, but Adora’s always seemed sort of hot. Lonnie’s were annoying, but playful enough that she didn’t punch her for it.

Once, she was free, she rushed straight to the booze. It seemed to be some kind of liquor. There was also a bottle of cheap wine.

“The wine’s for me. The mayor invited me over for dinner to commend my work defending the town. I want to make a good impression.

“Wow, after all these years I never realized that you were an even bigger kiss-ass than Adora!”

“Eat a dick, Catra!”

“No can do, I’m a _vag_-itarian,” she made a lewd gesture with her hands, before cracking up at her own joke.

“You sure are one big fucking lesbian. You still address your diary to Adora?”

“Wouldn’t you like to know?”

“Actually, I would,”

“It’s none of your business. But yes, I do. You know I can’t get over her. Not now, and… I don’t think ever,”

Lonnie placed a comforting hand on her back, “Hey, I’m here if you need me… which of course you’d never admit to, so I’m probably wasting my time. I’m just sayin’ that you can’t exactly get a therapist, seeing as we need to keep everything on the down low, but I’m here if you want someone to dump you’re immensely complicated baggage on,”

“Thanks, but no thanks. I’m good at bottling up my feelings,”

“I know, but still… Anyways, I’m gonna go pick up a few more groceries for tonight. You’re lookin’ a bit shitty, so I’d suggest taking a nap before your shift with the kids this evening. Ya’ know, the new date night watch service you’ve been placed on? Nap time. Now,”

Catra had almost forgotten. She was supposed to take a few odd shifts in the evenings since apparently a lot of parents need someone to watch their kids while they went on “dates”, whatever that meant. She already regretted accepting the work, and glumly put away the bottles. She couldn’t show up drunk.

“Yeah, yeah, fine. I’m taking one right now, yeesh. You’re not my commander,”

Lonnie rolled her eyes and was out once again.

Catra sighed and fell face first onto the bed before curling up in her usual ball and closing her eyes, drifting into an uneasy sleep.

_“What did I do?” she couldn’t have been more than four. She had only arrived at the bad-smelling place recently, alone and with no memories. The blonde girl took pity on her. The blonde girl who smelled like everything good in the world, everything she had forgotten. Now she was in the care of the shadow-lady. The scary woman who pulled her from her bed and beat her. The one who only brings pain. Her small, frail body was wracked with it, “Please tell me!” she sobbed, “What did I do!? Mama-"_

_ **Slap!** _

_“What did you just call me, you worthless creature?” the sorceress sneered._

_“I… I didn’t mean to, Shadow Weaver… I didn’t mean to…” the small child cried harder. The word was familiar to her tongue. It might have been the first word she ever said. The word had lost it’s meaning in her small mind, but it slipped out so naturally from her fang-filled mouth. Shadow Weaver only tsked._

_“Oh, child, you still haven’t learned your lesson…”_

_“St-stop! No more! Please!”_

_She was engulfed in pain once more._

Catra lurched from her bed. She wiped the sweat and tears from her face and slipped quietly into the small kitchen, opening the ice box and uncapping a bottle of liquor, chugging it straight. She forgot all about her shift, and if she remembered she didn’t give a shit. She needed to cleanse herself of the horrible nightmare. Of the horrible memories. 

She had already drunk a good portion of the bottle when she noticed her clock. 17:12. She only had eighteen minutes to get down to the daycare center. She sprung up, quickly corking the bottle and rushing to freshen up.

She met Emi at the enterance.

“There you are! Finally!”

“I’m sorry Emi, I took a nap and forgot,” she hated to admit it, but she was feeling a bit buzzed. She couldn’t watch kids like this.

“What are you, one of the toddlers now?”

“Don’t start with me!” she snapped. Emi jumped a little bit, “Damn it, Emi, I’m sorry. I… I don’t think I’ll be able to teach tonight, I’m,” she sighed, “I’m going through a bit of a rough time. Can we get Atum to reschedule?”

“I wish we could, but people have already started to arrive. Is there anything I can do to help?” she looked so genuinely caring that Catra almost broke down, mourning her long-lost innocence. But she knew she would have to tough it through this time. For the kids.

“Naw, just grown-up problems,” she ruffled Emi’s hair, “Come on, kid,”  
The second they came inside a chubby satyr toddler with short golden hair came bounding into her arms.

“Miss Feelie!” the two-year-old boy cheered. Catra hugged back and gave her best smile. 

“Hi, Jem! Have you been good for your moms, bud?” he grinned and nodded, “Where’s Juniper?” he pointed behind him. His twin sister with pigtails and a mess of freckles stood at the chalk board drawing scribbles.

“Wow, kid’s an artist! Look’s good, Juni,”

Juniper giggled, smiling wide with her dimpled cheeks.

On the toy mat a curly headed girl with dark skin and auburn eyes stacked blocks.

“There’s my little genius!” Emi cooed, rushing over to the Mila. Mila was one of the youngest, only a year old, but a very fast learner. Catra watched as the baby would crawl slowly, but surely across the mat.

Alexi, red-headed and tiny, played house besides her. They were three and very shy, keeping mostly to themself.

Catra sat at her desk, drinking copious amounts of water. She had never longed for sobriety so much in her life, and the water certainly helped. She knew that she would have to control herself, so she resolved to only drink on days where she didn’t have work, for the kids’ sake.

She would have to make it.

She considered Lonnie’s offer. It would be nice to have someone to talk to…

And that’s how she started her after work therapy sessions with none other than her ex-bully and recent friend, Lonnie.


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adora finds out the truth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This takes place at the same time as Chapter 10.  
The chapter is so short because a lot of perspective jumping is gonna happen next chapter and it's going to be pretty long. Plus I'm gonna be (hopefully) writing another one-shot later. Scorpia's finally gonna get to be happy!  
I went for kind of a parallel with the alcoholism. They both learned to deal with their pain in unhealthy ways due to their upbringing.  
I'd suggest going back and re-reading the letters if you don't get why Adora wouldn't want to show Scorpia some of them.  
As always, comments are appreciated, enjoy!

Adora had sorted the letters into two piles.

The ones to show Scorpia.

And the one’s not to.

Letter One? Show. Scorpia’s already read it after all.

Letter Two? Show. Catra says she misses her.

Letter Three? Show. Mentions her first suicide attempt.

But Letter Four? Definitely not.

She looked at the markings on the corners, recording the dates in a notebook. There tended to be one or two per day. Adora made charts to track her deterioration, her depression, her feelings.

Charts and maps and graphs and lifts and piles and wine and liquor and…

She had been working for days now. Trying to find out what happened. How everything could of gone so wrong. She had figured out that Letter Three took place after the first time she tried to jump. Scorpia accounted the event for her and it matched the one that Light Hope had shown her perfectly, which could only mean one thing…

Somebody was lying.

“Light Hope!”

“Back again, Adora? Looks like you finally decided to show up,”

“Did you learn sarcasm?”

“Swift Wind has been helping me learn to be more human, which is surprisingly knowledgeable about, seeing as he is a horse. He’s been worried sick about you. He has felt disturbances in your mind,”

“Well, that’s certainly nothing new!”

“Correct, but… this is different. I need to do a test. I will need a sample if your urine,”

“What!?”

“If you are opposed to this, I can simply enter your mind to test for sobriety, but I predict you will protest-“

“Is that what this is about? It’s just wine, Light Hope,”

“A large amount of wine. Alcohol can impair the senses. As the She-Ra, it is important for you to stay alert and-“

“I don’t care, okay! Give me a break! My best friend just died, Light Hope! She’s dead! And I can’t do this, and…” she sniffed and wiped her tears, “I j-just can’t… handle t-this on my… o-own…” she was on the floor, hunched over once again, “Haven’t I done enough for you? And I know you’re lying… I know you’re lying to me, you’re not telling me everything, you’re just another force in my life trying to manipulate me and I can’t stand it! JUST TELL ME ALREADY!”

“It is true… I have been lying to you, Adora…”

“The memory you showed me. Catra jumping… I know that she didn’t die after that,”

Light Hope looked down in shame and suddenly Adora was back in the memory.

“It’s so beautiful…”

Adora could hear the sounds of someone running, clamoring up the pipes as if her life depended on it. She turned, facing the woman whose eyes were full of tears, widening in shock at what Catra was doing. Things slowed down.

“I love you, Adora…”

Scorpia ran right through her, pinschers out to grab the one she loved. The one who didn’t love her.

“Wildcat!” she screamed. Apart of Adora’s brain laughed, for she knew Catra would hate the nickname, just as she hated when Adora would call her “kitten” in their youth.

Then Scorpia was cradling a sobbing Catra in her arms, and she was pulled from the memory as Catra passed out. She turned slowly to face the hologram that materialized behind her.

“Why?”

“It was the only way for you let go-“

“NO! Do you know how much pain I felt? Do you have any idea how much I hurt!? HOW I’M STILL HURTING!?”

“You need to calm down-“

“FUCK YOU! FUCK THE FIRST ONES! FUCK SHE-RA!”

“You need to-“

“YOU NEED TO LISTEN! Is she… is she alive?” she couldn’t control the tears, she was drowning in them now, “And don’t lie to me!”

“Yes. Catra is alive,”

Adora sobbed, covering her mouth and closing her eyes, “Tell me… tell me where she is,”

“I will not,”

“TELL ME!”

“She doesn’t want you to find her,”

“I DON’T CARE!”

“Adora! I am not saying. That is final. If you keep insisting, I will ask you to leave,”

“I HATE YOU!”

“She-Ra must not hate,”

“THEN I DON’T WANT TO BE SHE-RA ANYMORE!”

“That doesn’t matter,”

She took out the Sword of Protection and threw it at the hologram. The glorious blue and gold blade passed right through her.

“You cannot run forever. You cannot escape your destiny. The Horde is on the move. The grace period is over, and without She-Ra chaos will consume all of Etheria.

“Then find another She-Ra!”

“You know I cannot. You are the only Eternian. Only you can wield the Sword of Protection. Adora,” her voice softened, “You are our only hope. This is much bigger than the both of us. Much bigger than you know. Horde Prime has located this planet, and with Hordak helping from our end, it won’t be long before he figures out how to open another portal. Everything will be lost. We must open a portal to Eternia, away from Horde Prime’s armies,”

“Opening a portal is what got us here in the first place!”

“We must stay strong, Adora, you must stay strong. We will win in the end, as long as you don’t lose sight of what’s really important,”

“Catra was really important. Is really important to me,”

“You still do not understand. All these feelings, all this pain and anger and love… it will destroy you. Pick up your sword, Adora. Save us all,” she flickered out and the door slid open. Adora was left alone in the dark temple. So she did the only thing she could…

She picked up the sword.


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Catra and Lonnie talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is almost twice as long as usual to make up for last chapter being so short.  
As always, enjoy!

"Hey Adora,  
Atum offered to give me a ride to the inn in his wagon.  
That’s where I am while I write this.  
Today’s my first session with Lonnie.  
Great.  
She’s probably going to ask me some weird shit.  
I’m not exactly looking forward to it.  
But I know it’s what I have to do.  
For myself. For the kids.  
She’s taking me to some kind of party club after.  
It’s just the bar on the other side of the village.  
Apparently they do something big at night.  
There’s supposed to be a special guest “dee jay” and everything.  
Whatever that is."

The cart went over a bump in the road and Catra cursed as her pen marked a trail off the page.

“Sorry! You okay back here?”

“Yes, uncle!” Emi called.

“Just peachy!” Catra grumbled. Atum laughed and Catra couldn’t help but crack a smile. She finished up the letter.

"I’ll write again before I leave for the bar.  
I still hate you,  
Catra"

“What are you writing?”

“Nothing,”

“You say that a lot. Makes me think you’re hiding something…”

Catra laughed nervously, “That’s dumb, I’ve got nothing to hide. I’ve lost everything I’ve ever cared about anyways…”

“Why don’t you like to talk about you’re past? It couldn’t have been all gloomy. What did you do when you were a kid?”

“Train,” she said naturally, before realizing what she had said and covering her mouth.

“Train for what?”

“Why, would you look at that? We’re here! Bye, Emi! Bye, Atum!” she bounded off of the wagon and took off towards the inn,”

“You know, I’ve never seen someone quite like her before. Very unusual…”

“What do you mean, uncle?”

“I mean that I’ve encountered many species in my travels. I’ve seen satyrs like us, reptilian folk, humans, Princesses, Sorcerers… Remember those stories I’d tell you?”

“Of course,”

“But never in my life have I ever seen a cat person,”

“Do you think it’s suspicious?”

“Suspicious?”

“She showed up out of nowhere and saved us with such skill… and she refuses to tell us anything… I don’t know,”

“You wanna know what I think, honey? I think that she’s nothing but a poor girl who needs a place to stay. It’s none of our business where she’s been. She saved us. She’s helping us. And I think that’s all that matters for now,”

“Yeah, maybe you’re right,”

“I thought you were quite fond of her. Where is this doubt coming from?”

“She seemed off the other day when she came in for the night shift,” _she seemed intoxicated,_ Emi wanted to say, but she doesn’t want Felise to lose her job.

“Off how?”

“I don’t know just strange… I don’t think she had the best upbringing. She’s always tense around the kids. Scared of hurting them. She seems fascinated when I calm them down, like she’s never seen children dealt with like that before. She has scars on her wrists and arms. She’s just… I don’t know. Just forget it,”  
Atum nodded in thought.

“As long as it doesn’t affect the children it’s fine. She’s hurting. Your aunt was too,”

“Aunty Nim?”

“She healed and I believe that Felise is trying to do the same. Just let her heal in her own way. Don’t pry for answers. She doesn’t owe you any,”

“Alright…” but she wasn’t consoled. She wanted to find out more about this strange woman who has become her friend.

She noticed the notepad left beside her.

“Looks like she forgot this. Can I go give it back?”

“Don’t be too long,”

“I won’t,” she hopped off and sped towards the building. She slowed down once she reached the lobby, her eyes flitting to the notebook in her hand. Her curiosity got the better of her. One peak couldn’t hurt…

\---

“How are you feeling today?”

“Fine,”

“Fine-fine or Catra-fine?”

“What?” she laughed.

“I mean, are you actually fine or are you doing that bullshit you do where you never admit your true feelings?”

“I’m fine. Not good, not bad, _fine!_”

Lonnie sighed, rolling her eyes and grabbing a notepad from the motel’s desk.

“What do you wanna talk about first?”

“I don’t know. And isn’t it risky writing everything down?”

“You write everything down,” Lonnie moved on before Catra could come up with a good comeback, “We should start with either Shadow Weaver or Adora, seeing as those are your biggest…. Issues,”

“Wow, straight to the point. Okay, where do I even start?”

“What would Shadow Weaver do to you when she’d pull you out of class?”

Catra winced, “Hey, is this supposed to help me or cure your curiosity?”

“Both. Stop dodging the question,”

“Fine! You really want to know? She’d fry my fucking brains out all while telling me how much of a fucking failure I am! And that’s not even the worse thing she’s done. Remember when I cut you with my claws during that fight when we were eight and you went and tattled like a damn pussy? That’s where I was! So thanks for that!”

“I didn’t know…” she said softly, “And when did this become about me? We were kids, Catra! I was bleeding! How hard is it for you to just let shit go!?” she took a deep breath, “We’re not supposed to be fighting. This isn’t helping. Maybe we should focus on something less sensitive. How has your thoughts been?”

“Like do I still want to kill myself?”

“Yeah,”

“That’s complicated… a part of me does and a part of me doesn’t want to become… forget it,”

“Doesn’t want to become what?”

Catra sighed, “That’s a long story. Remember when I almost destroyed all of time and space and killed everyone in a suicidal breakdown?”

“How could I forget?”

“How much do you remember?”

“One second I was trapped in some kind of ice trap with Rogelio after the princesses broke into the Fright Zone. I remember thinking I would pass out from the cold, but then I was waking up in my normal bunk, going to training like usual. Everything was the same, except… Adora was back. It was like she never left…” she shook her head, “I didn’t remember a world where she wasn’t the perfect little Force Captain and you weren’t her annoying little bitch-”

“What did you call me?”

“You heard me. Always following her around… You slept in her big private Force Captain room all alone, just the two of you-”

_Slap!_

“Did you just slap me!?”

Catra’s face was furiously red, “You’re lucky I didn’t do worse,”

“I’m just tellin’ it like it was!”

“Take it back!”

“Fine, fine! I take it back, geez! Anyways, time started acting hella weird. One second became an hour, one hour became a week. Eventually I found myself running as everything was breaking down around me. Adora was there beside me. She saved me from falling into the abyss, and we almost made it, but… I woke up. I was still in the hallway with Rogelio. I managed to use my stun baton to melt it. When we were free we compared dreams and… We had the same one, except he woke up before me in the dream, even though in reality we awoke at the same time. Then we heard the explosion and… the rest is history. When we were informed on what you had done I almost couldn’t believe it. Portals to another world… Crazy,”

Catra nodded, claws digging into her legs. Even Lonnie had Adora’s help in the end.

“Well, after you disappeared Adora came and found me. She tried to get me to leave, but I didn’t want to. I couldn’t exactly remember why at the time, but I wanted us to stay in that fake little world together… until the end. But she just had to save the world. To fuck everything up again. She knocked me out and tried to kidnap me. We fought in the forest as it was crumbling into the void. I tried to pull her in with me. Of course it didn’t work. So I let go. I thought that my last act would be to cause her pain. Everything burned. I clawed my way up. I didn’t want to. It made me. My mind was being pried open, endless hate poured in and sealed up again. I knew things. Things I should have never known, things I can barely remember now. I saw everything. I could control everything. My body was dematerializing and it hurt so bad. I was a monster… Then Adora stood up to me! Punched me! Let go of me! Left me! Let me fall-”

“Woah, take it down a notch!”

Catra realized that she had been standing up, claws out. She mumbled an apology and sat back down.

“After it was all over I got Hordak out of the lab and went to bed. I didn’t want to wake up again. I… have this fear that when I die I’ll just become that… thing. Endless pain and suffering… not the relief I long for…”

“So, that’s why you stopped trying to kill yourself?”

“Yeah. There’s still a part of me, though, that hopes… that I’ll just be free. That the pain will just be gone. I still feel like I have nowhere to go. I’m staking a life for myself here and that’s good, but I just don’t feel like I fit yet. I know I can never go back to the Horde now, but at least I knew my place there… How did it all go so wrong? One second I’m on top of the world next second I’m… How did I go from Second-in-Command of the Horde to this!?”

Catra froze. An ear detecting a sound from behind the door. A gasp. Lonnie cocked her head, confused, until she heard it too. Footsteps running rapidly from the door. Catra was on the eavesdropper in a second. Tackling her before she could make her way down the stairs. Catra recognized her at once. 

Emi.

She covered her mouth and dragged her into the room, locking the door in a panic.

“How much did you hear!?”

“Enough to know that we never should of trusted you, Horde scum!” she kicked Catra in the shin and made her way for the door. Catra grabbed her just in time.

“Lonnie, help me here!”

“I should have known your names were fake! Alonza is a stupid name!” she struggled as the woman held her from the door.

“Hey!”

“Emi, just listen, we can explain!”

“I don’t wanna hear it! Have your stupid notebook back, I don’t even understand it anyways!” she threw it at Catra’s face, but Catra caught it in her mouth and spit it aside, putting the kid’s arms firmly behind her back.

“Emi, listen! Please! If you heard everything you’d know that we’re not with them anymore!”

“You expect me to believe that? Even if you weren’t you killed countless people, burned countless villages! MY PARENTS ARE DEAD BECAUSE OF YOU AND YOU'RE PEOPLE!”

“What!?”

“They were v-visiting family in Thaymore and were… c-crushed under the rubble!” the small girl broke down and cried against Catra’s leg, “Do you really think I haven’t heard of the Horde’s ruthless second-in-command? The one who killed Queen Angella!?”

“I’m sorry!”

“Liar!” she threw herself at Catra, punching wildly.

Catra easily blocked her and brought her to look at her.

“Yes, I did a lot of bad things! That’s why I’m here! I don’t do that shit anymore, kid, you’ve got to believe me!”

“No, I don’t!”

“Your right, you don’t, but you should because it’s the truth! Did you know,” she took a deep breath, “Did you know that the great and mighty She-Ra didn’t used to be so damn good? She was a Horde soldier, like me. I’m not over here saving the world, in fact I tried to destroy it not too long ago, but I promise that I’m different now! I’m forging my own path now. One that doesn’t involve destroying everything in my path. My name is Catra. I was in the Horde for as long as I could remember and now I’ve left. I’ve left and…” she looked at Bright Moon palace in the distance, thinking of the woman who once said something similar to her. Oh, the irony, “I’m not going back,”

Emi stopped struggling and looked up at her, remembering the person she’d come to know.

“Alright. I’ll keep your secret, but I’m going to need something in return,”

“Anything,”

“Never kill anyone. Ever again. No matter what,”

“Even if they get on my nerves?”

Emi glared at her.

“What? I was joking! Fine! I promise,” and unlike Adora, she never broke her promises.

Once Emi was gone Lonnie turned to her.

“Did you mean what you said to her?”

“Of course I did,”

“You’re a good person, Catra…”

_ **“I know you’re a good person, Catra!”** _

“Catra? Are you okay there?”

“Yeah, I’m fine. Let’s go ‘clubbing’ or whatever now,”

“Alright... I’m sorry for calling you Adora’s bitch,”

“I’m sorry for slapping you,”

“I was asking for it,”

“You really were,”

They laughed together before getting ready to leave.

\---

Six days.

Adora has been searching for six days.

Swift Wind nudged her.

“Why don’t we just go home now, Adora-”

“No,”

“Adora-”

“If you shut up I’ll let you liberate any stables we come across,”

“Throw in some apples and you have a deal!”

“Done,” she agreed.

“I’m just worried about you, Adora,”

“I’m fine,”

“No you’re not,”

“Okay, I’m not!” she snapped, “But that doesn’t matter!”

“Of course it matters!”

“Not to me. Not anymore. I haven’t been fine for a while now. I’m used to it…”

“Do you even hear yourself right now? You didn’t tell anyone before taking off, everyone’s probably worried sick about you!”

“I don’t need a lecture right now, I need to find Catra,”

“And then what? Kill her?”

“We’ll… cross that bridge when we get there,”

“And where is there? Adora, do you even know where we’re going?”

“No, okay! But I think I know someone who does. Swift Wind, take us to Madame Razz’s hut. Please,”

Swift Wind sighed and reluctantly let Adora climb onto his back.

Together, they took off into the air, leaving the clearing far behind.


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adora needs to rest.

“Failed! Failed! Failed!” Hordak bellowed, slamming his fists into the table.

Imp jumped in surprise and flew away, repeating after his master as he went.

“Failed!” he came to perch on Entrapta’s shoulder as she entered the sanctum, “Failed!”

“Oh, don’t be like that, we only need to try again. What is the point of science if not to fail?” she gave him a small, encouraging smile.

“Entrapta,” he composed himself, “There you are,”

“I thought we were running low on screws, so I-”

“How many times do I have to tell you? There is no need to do that, I can simply get someone to fetch it for you. What is the point of commanding a growing empire if you cannot get them to do your bidding?”

“Well, normally I’d send Kyle, but he’s out on a mission right now and this experiment cannot wait! You know me, once I get an idea in my head there’s no stopping me!” Entrapta giggled.

“And what experiment is this?”

“I’m glad you asked!” she beamed, “It’s nothing really, just a theory… I’ve been studying the nutrition in those ‘ration bars’ and I wondered if they could do with some improvement. Mainly with the taste and whatnot… For starters, if they came in a tiny version they would be much more appealing! I need the screws for a machine that will calculate the taste appeal and what not. I'd just taste it myself, but... I don't want to put them in my mouth. Maybe if it's for science, though...”

“These ration bars have been engineered to offer only the highest nutrients and provide the substances needed to grow competent soldiers. They’re effective, I see no reason for them to change,”

“What about taste? To put it frankly, they taste like cement dipped in barf,”

“They aren’t supposed to taste good. When you’re out in the field, starving within an inch of your life, you’re main concern isn’t taste. It prepares them for the real world,”

“I’m just saying that it could raise moral by at least 25%!”

“We don’t need morale, they fear and respect me. That should be motivation enough,”

“We have been getting a lot of defections lately…”

“DO NOT QUESTION ME!”

Entrapta didn’t flinch, but frowned, looking up at her lab partner with sad disappointment.

“I guess I’ll just continue to work on the lab…” she lifted herself on her hair and swung away into the shadows of the lab.

“Entrapta, wait. I’m… sorry…. For snapping at you. You’re points might be valid criticism after all… you may proceed,”

“Thank you!” she cheered, rushing forward and pecking Hordak on the cheek. It was quick. Over about as soon as it started, but Hordak flushed with warmth all the same, “I want to help improve the Horde as much as I can… and I want to do it for you. You’re the only friend I have left, and…” her voice broke, heart aching as she remembered the people who betrayed her, “I’m going to help you, Hordak. We _will_ find a way to safely reopen the portal and we _will_ win in the end. You’ll see!” 

Entrapta felt a creeping fear inside her… a fear of her own abilities. There was a part of her that wanted revenge for all the pain she’s felt. Maybe she finally understood Catra now. Understood Hordak. The need to win… no matter what it takes. She will traverse so far, with her knowledge so vast, that they will no longer matter to her. If there were really other planets out there, than everything seems so small. One speck in the never-ending expanse of the universe. Never really mattering at all. A whole world… and she was hungry to explore it.

\---

“Razz?” she knocked on the door, “Madame Razz? It’s me, She-Ra!”

“I don’t think she’s home,” Swift Wind remarked.

“No, no, no, no, she has to be home, we couldn’t have gone all this way for nothing!”

“Adora, let’s just go home, this isn’t good for you-”

“Don’t lecture me on what’s good for me!” she stared him down, a crazed look in her eye. She realized with a shock who she sounded like. She sounded like Catra. Maybe she was starting to understand her a little bit more…

“What’s all this shouting, dearie? Are you alright?”

“Madame Razz!”

“Mara, dear, it’s so good to see you! And you too, Swift Wind! How have revolution and freedom been treating you?”

“I feel so alive!” he neighed, whipping his flowing mane dramatically in his usual annoying fashion.

“Good to hear it. What about you, dearie? You seem troubled. Come in and tell Madame Razz all about it,”

They were ushered inside the hut, “I came here for a reason. I need to ask you something-”

“Yes, yes,” she interrupted, “But first I will make you tea. Here, rest your tired feet,”

“There’s no time, this is important!”

“Adora, _please!_” Swift Wind pleaded and he ducked cramped near the door, “We’ve been travelling forever and- wow, this place is roomy,”

“I can fit a horse and more! I’m always happy to help,” Razz chuckled, tossing him an apple, which he graciously caught in his mouth, wasting no time in devouring it. He chomped obnoxiously to Adora’s chagrin.

“Which brings us to why we’re here,” Adora redirected the conversation, “I’m looking for someone. You know these woods like the back of your hand,”

“That is true,”

Swift Wind swallowed the last of the apple, core and all, “Adora, she might not even be out here! Maybe she went back to the Crimson Waste? You said yourself that she was real comfortable there,”

“I just know she’s here, okay? It’s a feeling!”

“Can we please just take this slow?”

“I can’t!”

“Why not?”

“I just can’t! Razz, I’m looking for Catra and I know someone’s been here there’s two bed rolls on the floor so just spill it okay!”

“Madame Razz’s home is always open to travelers, dearie, but no one else has been here for five days,”

“Then who was in here!?”

“Oh, dearie, I cannot say,”

“Why not?”

“Confidentiality. I do not intend to disclose that much with you,”

“HAVE YOU SEEN CATRA OR NOT!?”

“Adora, calm down, you’re being rude!” Swift Wind chided.

Adora sighed, deflating into a chair, which Razz had brought up behind her.

“Sit down, dearie. Deep breaths… Okay,”

“I’m so sorry, Razz,” the blonde’s eyes watered, “I-I just… I… I don’t know what to do!” she sobbed, burying her head in her hands, “Someone please tell me what to do… And if one more person tells me to let go, I’m going to fucking lose it!”

Razz shushed her softly, brushing her hair back. Adora almost flinched at the motherly touch.

“Oh, child. I know this is hard, I know it is, but you’ll get through it. You just need to take a couple steps back, that’s all. Let yourself rest,”

“Can I s-stay here for a while?”

“Of course, dearie, I’ll prepare a bed roll,”

“Okay…”

\---

“Guard, report!”

“No sign of her, ma’am. We’ll keep looking,”

“Have you tried the Whispering Woods?”

“We’re on it, ma’am,”

“Guards, move out!” the head guard called, commanding the search party from the throne room. Once they were gone Glimmer punched the floor in frustration.

“Ugh! How could she of just left without telling anyone!? That is is so-”

“Irresponsible? Immature?”

“Aunt Casta!” she ran to her aunt, hugging her tightly, tears threatening to spill from her eyes.

“I know, honey, I know. It’s so good to see you. I wish it was under happier circumstances,”

“You left early from the funeral, I didn’t think you wanted to see me…”

“Of course I did! Why wouldn’t I? I just… couldn’t handle it anymore. I had to get out of there,”

“I understand,” and gods, did she understand. The pain she has felt since her mother’s death carved out any sense of security she might have had, leaving her feeling naked and bare. The young orphaned queen. Without a mother. Without a father. So she isolated herself. Throwing her all into her magic. She needed to get so powerful that she could never feel such pain again… She feared she might of neglected her friends.

_Maybe that’s why Adora ran away…_

_“And where is she now, huh? Off being She-Ra? Get used to it! Don’t think she won’t leave you behind too, Sparkles?”___

_ _She willed the cruel voice away, closing her eyes and turning away from Castaspella._ _

_ _“You will find your usual room waiting for you in the south corridor,”_ _

_ _“Glimmer?”_ _

_ _“Just go, aunty. Thank you for coming. I will be with you shortly,” _ _

_ _She reluctantly left her niece to her mourning._ _

_ _Glimmer teleported back and curled up on the too big throne as she silently cried._ _


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Glimmer is given a new task.

“Today you will learn how to infiltrate minds when the target is not present. It is quite advanced, and we’ll need a strong power source, but I am sure you can handle it,”

“I can handle anything,”

“I doubt it...” she looked thoughtfully at her new pupil, “Do you know why I am having you do this, Glimmer?”

“Why?”

“Because, my queen, not only does this particular spell allow you to see into someone’s mind, you can also sense their location. With the black garnet I was able to easily use my scrying bowl. Unfortunately, since I no longer have access to the black garnet, we must make do with a much more… difficult form of magic…”

“You want to find Adora,”

“Correct. I cannot use this magic myself, for when I bound myself to the black garnet it meant sacrificing my expertise in this particular type of magic. A small price to pay. The power I gained in return was immeasurable-”

“But at a price,” she thought back to when she saw inside Shadow Weaver’s mind. Her strange addiction to the stone, “It made you reliable on the runestone. It made you dependent,”

Shadow Weaver scowled, “Clever girl. Yes, it made me… vulnerable if I were to lose the black garnet-”

“Which you did,”

“Which I did," she agreed, unhappily, "I do not appreciate interruptions, your majesty, and if you are to be my pupil to must learn to understand that,”

“I am the queen, and you are under my authority, _prisoner,_” she spat, “You will teach me because you have no choice,”

“Is that so? I guess I could just… not teach you,”

“Then I’ll torture you until you do,”

“Really think you have it in you, princess? Oh, what would Bow think? What would Adora? What would your precious mother think, bless her soul, if she were to still be around-?”

Glimmer summoned deadly sparkles summoned to her fists, “DON’T SPEAK OF MY MOTHER, YOU HAG! And that’s queen to you, Shadow Weaver!”

“You could torture me until my heart stopped. You wouldn’t learn a thing except maybe some humility,” her eyes narrowed, “and maybe the length of your own darkness,”

“Fine!” she snapped, “I’m sorry, Shadow Weaver,” she apologized through gritted teeth, “I will not interrupt again,”

“Good girl. We shall resume. This spell requires the assistant of the moonstone. Escort me there,”

“As you wish,” she muttered sarcastically, grabbing a hold of the sorceress and teleporting them into the moonstone chamber.

“Now,” Shadow Weaver spoke after they settled in facing each other in front of the stone, the light shimmering (much different from the pulsating light of the black garnet, Shadow Weaver thought) behind them, “Close your eyes and picture her in your mind, really picture her. Form an image in your mind as potent as reality,”

Glimmer did as she was told, concentrating on all the special features of her friend’s face. Her smiling, yet tired eyes. Her humorous smile. It made her long to have her back again. She hoped she hadn’t of gone far…

“Now add your magic energy to her form. Let it course through the both of you,” Shadow Weaver smiled greedily as the girl’s body illuminated, “Now… relax…” then she put one hand to the moonstone and the other to the top of Glimmer’s glowing head. 

Glimmer repeated what she did when she entered Shadow Weaver’s memories. She gasped as she was transported into her friend’s mind. This time, instead of gravitating towards her long-term memories she gravitated towards her current ones.

_A forest after dark. The Whispering Woods._

_ **I just want this to be over.** _

_ **Please, it’s too much!** _

_ **P l e a s e !** _

_ **<strike>For the h o n o r o f</strike> b u l l s h i t** _

_ **S** _  
_ **H** _  
_ **U** _  
_ **T** _

_ **U** _  
_ **p** _

_ **I don’t get it, please…** _

_ **I JUST WANT MY FRIEND BACK!** _

_ **I JUST WANT CATRA!** _

_“Razz?” she spoke, knocking on the door of a strange hut, “Madame Razz? It’s me, She-Ra!”_

_The memory skipped and suddenly she was sitting in a mossy living room. She was yelling at an old woman._

_“HAVE YOU SEEN CATRA OR NOT!?”_

_She’s alive._

_Her mind tells her it's true, and Glimmer sees it for herself._

She is pushed head first into another memory. One recent, but not as recent.

_“YOU NEED TO LISTEN!” she yelled at a tall blue hologram, similar to the one they had encountered in that first one’s temple so long ago. It must have been Light Hope, “Is she… is she alive? And don’t lie to me!” tears fell fast down her face._

_“Yes. Catra is alive,”_

_She let out another sob, closing her eyes for a moment, her hand held to her mouth, “Tell me… tell me where she is,”_

_“I will not,”_

_"TELL ME!”_

Glimmer jolted from the memory.

“Catra’s alive!”

“What?”

“And Adora’s in a hut in the Whispering Woods. With some old lady, I don’t know. I can sense that she’s not that far in. Near that first one’s temple she’s always disappearing to,”

“What’s this about Catra?”

“She must have faked her death,” Glimmer stood, “I need to find her so I can kill her again!”

“Then what are you waiting for?”

Glimmer huffed, than sat back down. 

She pictured Catra.

Catra, Catra, CATRA!

All the things she did to her… what she did to her mother… all the things she will do to her in return.

The image in her head came out as vibrant as if she was truly standing across from her.

Shadow Weaver channeled the moonstone into her once again.

She entered Catra’s mind…

But this time something went wrong.

Her anger spiraled out of control and she was sent hurtling towards her past memories again. 

Catra.

Glimmer.

Catra and Glimmer.

_ **“She didn't run away from the Horde, she ran away from you.”** _

_The words repeated on an endless cycle in her head before the sounds became too much._

_ **Pain. Sweet, sweet pain.** _

_She looked down._

_Her claws tore parallel lines through the skin of her wrist._

_She was in the bathroom of her quarters._

_Her big, lonely quarters that she is forced to share alone. No Adora to warm her bed, to keep the nightmares at bay, the love away the doubt._

_ **She has her p r i n c e s s e s now.** _

_She brought the bleeding wrist to her mouth and began to lick it._

_ **Fuck f uc k f u c k it hurt without her.** _

_ **K i l l t h e p a i n!** _

_ **M a k e i t s t o p!** _

_ ** <strike>THIS IS ALL I HAVE NOW!</strike> ** _

Glimmer swam through the fucked up mind of Catra. It was so dark. She was so lost. Her thoughts went to Adora and how much she must be hurting now. Before she knew it she was sucked into another memory.

_Adora was kissing her way down her body in a storage closet._

_“I love you so much, Catra,” she whispered against the light fur of her stomach and Glimmer wanted to bleach her eyeballs._

_ **I want to believe you.** _

_**So bad.**_

_She cursed and pulled her closer._

The memory started to glitch.

It sped up, flashing between close-ups of skin against skin.

_This was something sacred, Catra’s mind told her._

_Adora’s making love to a future killer, Glimmer’s own mind told her in turn._

Glimmer closed her eyes, not wanting to see. Glimmer realized that she had eyes to see with. Her body was no longer one with Catra’s. She was awake.

“So, what did you see?”

“Well, I know that Catra and Adora were _definitely_ more than friends,” she spluttered out, disgusted.

“I could have told you that, I meant about her location!” 

“I couldn’t see or ‘sense’ a damn thing!”

Glimmer could have sworn she heard a growl from the older woman, “Then try harder!”

“I’m trying as hard as I can! I’ll just go again!”

“You can’t enter the same mind twice in a row, you idiotic child! There’s a forty-eight hour cool down period!”

“I’d suggest not calling your queen an idiotic child if you want to keep your head, sorceress!”

Shadow Weaver scowled and bowed her head, “Of course, your majesty, I will watch my tongue,”

“You better! Now trust my word, I will find Catra, and when I do… may the gods have mercy on her soul,”

Shadow Weaver’s face donned a twisted smile behind her broken mask.

“That’s what I like to hear,”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It sucks that even after hearing what Catra went through Glimmer still can't find it in her heart to feel sorry for her. How do you think that will change or continue to persist? I love hearing what you guys have to say about the fic!


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Catra and Emi's friendship isn't like it was before she knew.

"Hey Adora,  
Emi knows now.  
It’s a huge risk, I know.  
You don’t need to lecture me.  
How’s Scorpia?  
Is she good?  
Is she happy, is she safe?  
Has she found someone who could give her all the love she deserves?  
Does she miss me?  
Do you miss me?  
Does any of this even matter?  
Of course you don’t. Of course it doesn’t.  
I haven’t cut in a while, so that’s good.  
I’ve been talking to Lonnie more often, so that’s good.  
It’s all going good.  
_So why doesn’t it feel like it?_  
I’m tired,  
Catra"

She curled up in her bed with a single beer. Lonnie left to the bar to go “clubbing” again. Catra decided she’d rather stay home. Last time she went people kept hitting on her. It made her uncomfortable, so she left early. 

Whenever the prospect of moving on from Adora presented itself to her it made her insides feel all rotten and her head spin. She just wanted to hide in her bed and never come out again.

It was Sunday. That meant that she had work the next day. It also meant it was her last time she’d be able to drink until Friday evening. And she couldn’t binge. Then she’d be super hung-over.

Sunday’s were the worst.

Why Lonnie would be out clubbing on a Sunday right before her late shift was beyond her. Her keen ears twitched towards the door. Speak of the devil…

“Hey Catra, I’m home,”

Catra hadn’t gotten a good look at her before she left. She wore the mahogany dress she had purchased with some of her pay that Catra had paid no mind to. The outfit was complete with a pair of polished brown heels and lace choker. Her braids put up in a very small, very messy bun. The last thing she noticed was that she looked like she was tossed through a hurricane. She didn’t seem inebriated, though, as one often was at the bar at night.

“You look… nice?”

“Thanks,”

“And wrecked. What happened?”

“They had a performer up on stage. Guess he was pretty popular. The crowd went feral for him. I tried to dodge the splash from a loose libation and was pushed straight into the mosh pit,”

Catra couldn’t help but laugh.

“Ugh, stop laughing!”

“Oh, Lonnie, I’d think a former force captain would be able to stand her ground against a couple of villagers,”

“You weren’t there!”

Catra only laughed some more. 

“This dress better not be ruined!” she muttered, ignoring her roommate, “I have a date next week. I was hoping to reuse it,”

“A date?”

“Yeah. It’s like when people were together in the Horde, but more formal, I guess. You go out for dinner or something, get to know each other, maybe bone, go home, and repeat. Simple cycle, but more complicated than what Kyle and Rogelio or you and- you know- had back home,”

“Hm. Never thought you were one to put yourself out there,”

“I’m a new woman now, Catra,”

“Apparently. I always thought you’d be more of a suit girl.”

“I alternate,”

“So who are they?”

“Wouldn’t you like to know?”

“So it’s someone I know? Gender?”

“No,”

“No, it’s not someone I know? Or no, they don’t have a gender?”

“Both,”

“Then why can’t you tell me,”

“’Cause then you’d try to find them and fuck it up somehow,”

Catra chucked at that.

“I’d only tell them that you’re a virgin who sucks her thumb when she sleeps,”

“Then I’d just tell them it’s not true, because it isn’t. I had sex when we were junior cadets,”

“What!? When? How didn’t we know about it?”

“Never came up. Besides, we weren’t exactly friends back then,”

“You’d tell Adora!” she protested.

“I didn’t tell anyone,”

“Really? I thought you’d love to brag,”

“We were discreet. He didn’t want people knowing,”

“You like dudes?”

“I’m pan, Catra,”

“Oh. It’s like I don’t know anything about you!”

“You could just ask, you know? I always thought you didn’t care,”

“I don’t. I just think that since were war-criminal buddies now we should…” she spotted Lonnie’s smirking face, “Forget it!”

“Aw, you really do wanna be friends, huh?”

“Shut up!”

It was Lonnie’s turn to laugh. Catra rolled her eyes and went to bed.

When Catra arrived at work the next day Emi gave her nothing but a curt nod.

It’s been this way since she found out.

“Are you still mad at me?”

“That would be an understatement,”

“I’ve already told you I’ve changed, what else do you want from me? I just want my friend back,”

“I KNOW!” she snapped, startling Catra, “I know you’ve changed and everything’s good now, but that doesn’t change the way I feel. You lied to us. You lied to me,” Catra opened her mouth to speak, but Emi shushed her and continued, “And I get it that you had to, I really do, I’m just… not entirely over it yet and I need some space,”

“I understand, trust me, I do. I need my space a lot, too. I’ll… I’ll get out of your hair,” Catra left to tend to the children. Emi sighed.

She wanted to trust Felise- er, Catra. She really did. She just… couldn’t. Not after all she did. They both knew that it would take time. Catra silently drowned in the fact that she has fucked up another friendship again.

A knock at the day care door had two-year-old Jem toddling towards the door. Catra picked him up and steered him back to the play mat before going to answer it. She knew that scent before she even touched the handle.

“Hiya, kiddos!” Lonnie cheered, “Y’all wanna see a real sheriff?” She twirled her staff to the kids’ delight. Catra rolled her eyes.

“Lonnie, what are you doing here?”

“You said you wanted to know me better, right?”

“Yeah, but not at work!”

“I’m off duty this afternoon. When’s your lunch break?”

“Not now,”

“I’ll tell you were I got those drugs last year,”

“Done. Take a seat,” gesturing to a chair at the craft table.

“Seriously?”

“I could just kick you out,”

Lonnie huffed before crouching into the kiddie chair, “This is demeaning,”

Catra cackled.

“Ass-hole…” Lonnie muttered. Catra feigned a gasp.

“Sheriff Alonza, language!”

“You better sleep with one eye open tonight,” she grumbled in return.

“Nice hat, weirdo,” she replied, changing subject and plucking the wide-brimmed cowboy hat from her head and observing it.

“Hey, give that back!” she tried to stand, but she was stuck in the way too small chair. She struggled.

“Which one of you kids want to try on a 'real sheriff’s' hat?”

A chorus of “me, me, me!”

“You son of a-

Catra coughed loudly.

“Oh, fu…udge you!”

“Be a little nicer and I might help you get out,”

Emi glared at her as she walked over and pulled Lonnie out of the chair.

“Aw, you’re no fun!”

Emi shrugged stand-offishly and Lonnie pulled Catra outside for a ‘grown up’ conversation, which Catra swore ended in at least a bruised rib.

Totally worth it.


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adora has had enough.

“I think I’ve figured it out!”

Entrapta bounded across the sanctum towards her lab partner.

“What exactly have you figured out? If it’s another useless “improvement” to the Fright Zone than I don’t want to hear it,”

“Not this time! This is something good, you’ll see!” she dug into her hair and pulled out a tech pad and began tapping away at it before turning it around to show Hordak, “There seems to be a sort of reality barrier surrounding this dimension, which explains what happened when Catra activated the portal,” if it hurt to say her ex-friend’s name she didn’t show it. She was good at pushing down her emotions in favor of her goals. In favor of science. It was one of the few things she had in common with the magicat.

“Don’t we already know this?”

“I had my suspicions, yes, but look at this!” she zoomed in on one of the digital graphs, “When She-Ra destroyed the portal it was still hooked up to my monitor-”

“But the experiment was a failure. Any data we gathered would be useless,”

“Not necessarily! We draw success from our mistakes. So we can observe what we did wrong and do better the next time. The creation of the portal was a success, it was just with barrier that caused reality to implode into a parallel universe created from the deepest desires of those closest to it. We just need to figure out how to get around this barrier or shatter it entirely. And for that I have a theory that it might require not only She-Ra’s sword, but She-Ra herself,”

Hordak scowled, “I wish we knew that when we had her! Now I’ll have to arrange for a squad to kidnap her during her next battle. Maybe we should put that Kyle boy to the test,”

“That’s going to be a bit of a problem...”

“How come?

“Because She-Ra has been missing from the rebellion for almost a week now. They sent search parties for her and everything!” she tried not to sound bitter.

“Then we’ll just have to find her before they do,”

\---

“It’s been a week,” Adora stops Razz on her way out.

“Yes, it has,”

“So…?”

“So… you will finally go berry picking with me?”

“No, Razz! So will you finally tell me where Catra is?”

“Oh, dearie, you are wasting your time,”

“Are you serious!?”

“Don’t get so defensive, Adora, she’s letting us stay here, after all. And providing me with all these delicious apples!” Swift Wind butt in.

“Where did you come from? Didn’t you say you were going to go find more stables to liberate or something?”

“That got old fast. Especially with those villagers chasing me around with pitchforks. I guess I’m something of a public enemy number one now. Besides, shouldn’t we be laying low if you don’t want to be dragged back home?”

“It doesn’t matter. Even if they find me, I won’t go home until I have what I came for,”

“And what is that exactly? Catra in chains? Her head on a spike? You know she’s not just going to come quietly!”

“Then I’ll deal with it. She needs to pay for her crimes!”

“And for breaking your heart? Well, more like broke each other’s hearts. It was kind of a mutual thing,”

“That doesn’t matter! Whatever feelings I might have had for her are long gone now,” she forced back the tears that sprung to her eyes, “And even if I did, it wouldn’t interfere with me doing what is right. Why are you asking relevant questions all of a sudden, what happened to 'loop-de-loops', huh?”

“Are they really gone, though?” he asked, ignoring the question.

“I don’t know, okay! I just know that I’m done making excuses for her. She chose this. She chose this, not me!”

“You don’t need to convince me, I know,”

“I know! I’m just…”

“Not convinced yourself? I know the feeling, dearie,”

“Razz! I forgot you were still standing there,”

Razz laughed, patting the girl on the back and sighing.

“The only person you can control is yourself. You tried your best, but Catra’s on her own now. What she decides to do now is up to her,”

“Why is this so hard? What is wrong with me!?”

“Nothing’s wrong, sweet Mara. Just complicated, as all people are,”

“I loved her…”

“I know you do,”

“Why didn’t she just come with me when I asked the first time?”

“That is complicated as well. You left her in a very dangerous situation,”

“I wouldn’t have left her if she could have just came!”

“She doesn’t know that. She doesn’t think like you do, dearie, no one does. Everyone is unique. You cannot simply make her see as you do,”

“Maybe Shadow Weaver can. There must be a spell somewhere-”

“You’d so easily hand her over to the mercy of the woman who harmed her? What about you? I doubt you were as tolerant as you let on to have her in the castle,”

“How do you know about that?”

“I know many things, dearie. Some things I wish I didn’t… I need to get going now. Be good for Madame Razz, yes? Don’t cause too much trouble!” Razz giggled, before whispering not-so-quietly, “That mostly goes for Swift Wind,”

“Hey!”

Adora tried her best to put on a confident smile, “I’ll clean out the oven to make pie when you get back,”

“That sounds lovely, Mara dearie!”

Adora leaned on Swift Wind as she watched her walk away.

“Come on, Swift Wind,”

“Hm?”

“We’re leaving,”

“What!? But what about cleaning the oven?”

“I can’t… I can’t stay here any longer. If Catra was here she couldn’t have gone far. We’ve wasted enough time already. We know she’s not alone either. I didn’t want to do this, but the beacon is right around the corner. Light Hope’s going to tell me where Catra is, whether she wants to or not..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another short chapter because I might post two today, maybe not. I'll most likely post another one tomorrow. Things are heating uppppp!


	23. Chapter 23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Glimmer gets a hug.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> An even shorter chapter because we have some big drama coming up.

“Glimmer, wait up!”

Glimmer turned to see her archer best friend running up to meet her.

“Bow, I don’t have time-”

Before she had time to react she was being enveloped in a pair of firm, strong arms, his face burying in her hair. It was so warm. So comforting. She realized that she hadn’t been hugged, really hugged, since the funeral. It immediately brought tears to her eyes. She sobbed, collapsing into his familiar embrace.

“Wh-” she gulped, wiping her tears on his shoulder, “What’s this for?”

“I miss you, Glim,”

“I didn’t go anywhere,”

“Didn’t you, though?”

Glimmer said nothing at that.

“Look, I know you’re really hurting right now! I want you to know that I’m not going everywhere. I'm here for you and I will stand with you until the end, but you can’t just shut yourself off, it’s killing you inside, I can tell. I just want my best friend back… I love you,”

“I love you too, Bow. I’m… I’m not ready! For any of this! Mom was supposed to be here! I shouldn’t be doing this alone… b-but I am and… It’s not supposed to be like this!”

“I know,” he was crying too.

“It scares me, Bow! I’m alone…”

“You have me. You have Adora,”

“Adora’s gone,”

“She’s coming back,”

“How am I supposed to just believe that?”

“She will! She loves you too. We all do. It’s going to be okay,”

“BUT IT WON’T!” she broke away from him, “IT WON’T BE OKAY! NOT UNTIL CATRA PAYS FOR WHAT SHE'S DONE!”

“It’s not going to make you feel any better-”

“Oh, really? Don’t you want her dead, too!?”

“Dead?” Bow gasped, “Glimmer, you’re talking about murder,”

“She murdered my mother,”

“We can’t just-”

“Can’t just what? ‘Stoop to her level’, huh? Because we’re the ‘good guys’? So we should what? Just let her walk free with my mom’s blood on her hands!?”

“Of course not!”

“THEN WHAT!? What… what…” she suddenly felt very faint. Her magic flickered a darker purple than she was used to around her. Her vision went blurry and she fell to the floor.

“GLIMMER!”

The last thing she was her guards rushing to her aid, Bow carrying her away in those strong arms.

\---

“Adora, we need to be smart about this!”

“You’re one to talk,”

“Adora, I’m serious!” the winged horse neighed.

“So am I,”

“She’s not going to help you if it gets in the way of your duty as She-Ra!”

“I don’t care,”

“Stop saying that! This is a bad plan!”

“And you have a better one?”

“Yes! Going home!”

“Shh!” they stopped. Adora drew her sword and faced the sound, “For the honor of Grayskull!”

The now eight-foot-tall warrior readied her stance, prepared to face whatever monster would come out of the forest. The threatening shadow stepped into the light to reveal…

“Adora!”

She-Ra sighed, detransforming, “Damn it, Scorpia! You almost gave me a heart attack!”

“I get that a lot,”

“What are you doing here?”

“You really thought you could run off to find Catra without me?”

“How did you know about that?”

“I overheard Shadow Weaver and Glimmer talking. They… They’re going to kill her. Once they- If they find her. I am not going to let that happen!” she slung off her backpack, which looked especially small on her large body, “I brought the letters. Maybe… I don’t know, maybe they have some clues somewhere?”

“Did you know?”

“Know what?

“That she was alive!”

“Of course not! Wait… what are you going to do once you find her?”

Adora looked down.

“You’re not going to…?”

“She hasn’t exactly figured that part out yet. Hi, I’m Swift Wind!”

Scorpia jumped, eyes widening, “Is that horse talking or am I hallucinating?”

“Oh, I’m very real!”

“Unfortunately…” Adora muttered. Swift Wind glared at her, “I’m joking!”

“I’m magic!”

“I can tell,”

“Swift Wind, can you just let us talk for a while? Just us?”

“Fine,” He shrugged- as well as a horse can shrug, anyways- before backing up to graze on the grass behind them, keeping an ear on the conversation.

“I’m coming with you,”

“Scorpia-”

“This isn’t up for debate. I’m coming with you, end of story. Besides, this is… a hard thing to do alone,”

“I thought you hated me?” she asked quietly.

“Let’s just say I dislike you a reasonable amount,”

“You remembered that?”

Scorpia nodded, “You got us out of there, didn’t you?”

Adora smiled, “Thanks,”

“But I’m not doing this for you,”

“I know,”

“I’m doing this for her,”

“So am I,”

“Are you really, Adora?” Swift Wind cut in again.

“Five minutes, Swift Wind, you couldn’t leave us alone for five minutes!”

“I can’t help it,”

Scorpia laughed.

“See? She thinks I’m charming,”

“A little bit. I also think this is completely crazy. Well, what are we waiting for? Let’s go find Catra,”

“We need to talk to Light Hope first,”

“Do you think she’ll even let her inside?” Swift Wind asked.

“She will if I have anything to say about it,”

“Which you don’t,”

“Ugh. Let’s just go already,”

Adora muttered the password, opened the temple, and the three of them stepped inside.


	24. Chapter 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Adora becomes the "let me in!" meme.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw for barfing

_It was shortly after she saved Catra from jumping from that roof (two days after and one day before Scorpia left her again, as a matter of fact) that she heard it, walking by her door one day._

_Retching. Horrible retching sounds that made Scorpia wince and press her ear to the door. The sounds were loud too. Like whatever Scorpia had forced her to eat was being completely emptied from her stomach._

_“Catra?” she knocked on the door. The heaving seemed to stop for a second before continuing. No answer. Coughing. She called out again. The coughs got louder before the sound was replaced with more gagging vomit. Dread grew inside of Scorpia as she finally couldn’t stand it anymore and tried the doorknob. Locked, “Shit, shit, shit…” she muttered under her breath as she yanked the knob harder, which was quite difficult as it constantly slipped for her clawed grip. She nearly broke it off._

_She tried the keypad. No number combo would open it and she simply didn’t have the keycard. She began to panic._

_“CATRA!”_

_She heard a distant curse from behind the door, but the woman made no move to invite Scorpia inside. Scorpia really didn’t want to have to do this. She backed up… and tried to knock the door down._

_She made a sizable dent, but obviously didn’t break her way through. She shakily got back to her feet, rubbing her throbbing arm and aching head. She heard footsteps from the other side before the sound of the door quickly unlocking and it swinging forward, clearly damaged, with a very disgruntled Catra on the other end._

_The magicat wiped some bile from her chin before attempting a threatening pose._

_“What the hell do you think you’re doing!?”_

_“You wouldn’t answer the door,”_

_“Are you crazy!? You should know by now that pretty much means ‘go away and leave me the fuck alone’! What were you thinking, dumbass?”_

_“You were sick!”_

_“No, duh! I’ve always been sick in the fucking head, keep up!”_

_“I mean you were-”_

_“I know what you meant and I’m fine. Actually, wait, no I’m not!”_

_“Did you… did you throw up all the food I gave you?” Scorpia sounded so disappointed and hurt that Catra took caution in answering._

_“I… couldn’t keep it down. I’m…” she sighed, looking distant, “I’m sorry,”_

_“You don’t need to apologize to me, Catra. At least… not for _that,_” she looked up at her dear friend, searching for an apology for what she had done not so long ago in those sad, sad eyes. She just couldn't tell. Her hopes fell._

_“Whatever, just leave me alone! And you need to replace my goddamn door, by the way!” she turned around to reenter her room when Scorpia noticed the bottle in Catra’s hand. She snatched it from her the best she could with her claws to Catra’s immediate protests._

_“What the fuck, give that back!”_

_“No more!”_

_“No more what?”_

_“Drinking,”_

_“It’s cute that you think you can stop me,” she attempted to wrestle the bottle from the Force Captain’s tight clawed grasp._

_Scorpia ignored the rising heat in her cheeks in favor of holding the door firmly open._

“_I’m serious,” she tried for a resilient stare, resulting in Catra only glaring stubbornly before sighing weakly in defeat._

“_Fine,” she said through gritted teeth, too exhausted to argue. The door slammed (which didn’t do much good for its wrecked state) and Scorpia was left staring blankly at it before letting herself shed a single tear, then rushing to her own quarters to shed more._

\---

“Light Hope! What did you do to her?” Adora demanded, gesturing to Scorpia, who had suddenly collapsed upon entering the beacon’s main chamber and was snoozing peacefully on the marble floor. Swift Wind was careful not to accidentally trample her. The hologram materialized at last.

“She isn’t supposed to be here,” she said matter-of-factly, “You aren’t either unless you have finally come to your senses and are willing to resume training, which I assume is not the case,” she sighed disappointingly. Adora was having none of it. She scowled.

“Wake. Her. Up. Now!”

“Why are you here, Adora? This is foolish. Give up your useless search or you will only end up like Mara, blinded by your crippling human emotions,”

“Funny you should mention Mara. I’m curious Light Hope, would you like to tell me a bit more about that? You claim that she tried to destroy the universe-”

“Correct,”

“Yet everywhere else I hear she was trying to save it,”

“The ramblings of a tortured mind. A corrupted mind, a madwoman’s excuses,” her voice distorted and she took on a red hue, if only for a moment. Then she was back to normal, as if nothing had happened, “I can show you proof if you’d like,”

“Oh, I’ve had enough of your ‘proof’, I’m not so naïve anymore! Maybe Catra was right about one thing. I shouldn’t just trust anything creepy old holograms tell me,”

“Ah, you see? Even now the one you call Catra is clouding your judgement. Love is a weakness, a virus, a plague. You must learn to keep it under control,”

“Now you’re really starting to sound like Shadow Weaver, and you know what?” she chuckled darkly and without humor, “You’re really starting to piss me off!”

“Get out of here, Adora. You will learn sooner or later. No good will come of this-”

“SHUT UP! JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP!” she screamed, startling Swift Wind and causing Scorpia to stir in her sleep. Light Hope just stared at her grimly.

“Goodbye, Adora. Sense will come to you with time,” then the lights flickered out and the killer robot spiders emerged again.

Scorpia yawned as she woke, then leaped to her feet with a jolt upon noticing the spiders, “How long was I out?”

“Not long,” Swift Wind informed her, “You just missed another one of Adora’s temper tantrums,”

Adora silenced him with a frosty glare before letting out a frustrated yell, “For the Honor of Grayskull!” she bellowed, raising her sword.

“Um, Adora, the exit is that way-”

“Ahh!!!” she battle-cried, charging at the spiders, slicing through their metal bodies like butter. It was impressive, but soon they were overwhelmed.

“Come on!” Swift Wind lifted She-Ra and Scorpia (which was of very heavy weight and quite impressive in his opinion, especially considering the circumstances) and flew them out the door and into safety, “It looks like the steed has become the knight in shining armor!” he bragged.

She-Ra ignored him and ran back to the now sealed tight door, pounding and kicking on the impenetrable material, yelling obscenities.

“Um, Adora?” Scorpia approached her cautiously, “Are you okay there?”

“FUCK YOU, YOU COWARD!!! LET ME IN! LET ME IN!!!”

“Adora! Calm down!” the woman and horse tried their best to pull She-Ra away from the door. She detransformed in a huff.

“This is bullshit,”

“Yeah, no kidding. Guess we’ll have to find Catra another way now. No biggie,”

“Yes biggie! _Big_ biggie! I’ve tried looking for Catra myself, it’s damn near impossible! And that bastard waste of First One’s tech in there is the only one who knows Catra’s location! Besides Razz, of course, but her lips are sealed apparently!”

“I haven’t tried talking to her yet, let me. No offense, Adora, but you’re not exactly the calmest person in the world,”

“WHAT MAKES YOU SAY THAT!?”

Scorpia and Swift Wind exchanged a look and Adora smoothed back her hair. Her ponytail was the messiest it had ever been, she was better off just taking it out and redoing it completely. But not here. Not in front of Scorpia who made her feel even more self-conscious about her larger-than-average forehead and signature, yet admittedly goofy, hair poof than usual.

“Alright, fine. You think you can get through to her? Be my guest!”

“We’re going back? Yay! Razz probably has some more apples ready for me! Don’t forget we promised to clean the oven,”

“Swift Wind?”

“Yeah,”

“Please stop talking,”

"Alright..." he sulked, "You're no fun anymore,"

They set off back down the road from whence they came.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really like Adora's ponytail representing her mental/emotional state.  
Anyone else notice Adora is cursing more and more as the story goes on? dfcghjnkldfgvh  
I id with her so much, though it's probably hard to tell from my fixation with Catra.


	25. Chapter 25

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some awkward conversation and a bit more daycare shenanigans.  
(a.k.a. Emi says the f-word)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A double-whammy! Two in one night!  
Originally this and the last one were going to be one big chapter but I decided to cut it in half.  
Because of that, it's pretty short.  
Enjoy!!!

“Tell me about her,”

“About who?”

“That girl from your letters… Adora,”

“So first you’re mad at me and now you want to know about my past love life?” she snapped, immediately on the defense.

“So she’s an ex of yours?”

Catra blushed, “That’s none of your business!”

“I can literally end your life at any moment. One blab and its torches and pitchforks,”

“I chose death,”

“It can’t be that bad! My neighbor, Reshnir, once had an ex who lit his house on fire because he slept with another woman. Almost the entire town teamed up to put it out, but once they found out what he’d done they almost let it burn, or at least that’s what Nishna says. Reshnir claims she’s lying, though, but of course he would, right? Anyways, she still got arrested for arson, but I don’t think anyone really blamed her. Some say she got out on bail for sleeping with the mayor’s daughter, but you didn’t here that from me,”

“Geez, kid!”

“What? It’s true!”

“You sure like to gossip,”

“Only a little," she admitted, "What can I say It gets so boring in this town. I gotta make the most of something when it happens, you know?”

Unfortunately, Catra did. She had done her fair share of gossiping back in the Horde. Adora too, though she’d never admit it, seeing as it was beneath a future Force Captain and all. Maybe talking to Emi about Adora would save her from having to talk about it with Lonnie (with whom it was hard to pick and choose facts with, seeing and she was there and all) later.

“What do you wanna hear?” she grumbled.

“For starters, who is she?”

“Someone I used to know. We didn’t really use labels, but I guess you could call her an “ex”, or whatever. She was… she was my best friend...”

“It sounds like she meant a lot to you. What happened to make you hate her so much?”

She almost admitted that she didn’t really, but just shook her head.

“It’s complicated, kid. Grown up stuff,”

“Like Reshnir sleeping around?”

“Where’d you even hear that term?”

“Just answer the question,”

Catra scowled, before realizing the young girl’s power over her and trying to look as tolerant as possible.

“Okay, bossy. She left me! Is that what you want to hear?”

“Are you crying?”

“NO!”

“Alright then, explain,”

“We were together back in the… you know, and she we snuck out one day and she found a s-” she tried not to make the pause obvious, “a something in the woods. She left that night to go back from it and the  
next time a saw her she was Team Sparkle Shit, pardon my language,”

“It’s okay. I can say the f-word,”

“Please don’t, Atum will kill me,”

“Oh, he wouldn’t hurt a fly. See? Fuck-!” Catra covered her mouth before she could happily spew out any more profanities.

“We’re in a daycare!”

“Oh, right,”

“Fuck!”

They turned around. There was little baby Mila.

“Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!” the one-year-old babbled.

The girls yelled in a panic.

“I am so fired!”

“I’m sorry! What do we do!?”

“I am so fired…” she repeated, “If Atum doesn’t kill me, Lonnie certainly will. _Fuck!_”

Emi stared at her, exasperated, "Hypocrite!"

“Well there’s no point in not saying it now!”

“Here’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to explain to Atum what happened, take the punishment and resign,”

“I can’t let you do that, kid. I’m the adult here. It’s only fair I take the blame,”

Taking the blame was something Catra was used to, but it surprised even herself that she was taking it willingly. Especially when it wasn’t her fault (which it never is anyways, except for those few really fucked up times where it was, but Catra didn’t want to think about those times. Not now. Not ever. Though, ever was a strong word seeing as she will need to hone up sooner or later and… damn it she’s rambling, time to go back into panic mode).

So that was the end of her job at the daycare… or so she thought.

“I talked to Atum,”

“Emi! I told you not to do that,”

“Well, you’re not the one giving orders now, ‘second-in-command,’” she reminded her bitterly.

“What did he say?”

“He’s giving me another chance. He’s happy that I was honest with him. I had to apologize to Mila’s dads too. They were actually pretty understanding and mostly laughed over the whole thing,”

Catra let out a sigh of relief, “That’s good,”

“But, we’re not allowed to cuss in the daycare anymore. Even on breaks when we’re not around the kids,”

“Eh, I’ve had worse punishments,” she didn’t want to think too much about how true that statement really was.

“And don’t think your off the hook about Adora, missy,” she giggled, “I want to know everything! Did you love her? Did you guys hold hands?” she gasped, “Was she a good kisser?”

“Ugh…”

This was certainly going to be a long shift.


	26. Chapter 26

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things are heating up.

“Was she beautiful?”

Emi had been pelting for with questions since the second she arrived at work the next day. Catra was silent for a moment.

“Very,”

“What did she look like?”

“Blonde, buff, big forehead, hot, wore her hair stupid,”

“When did you meet her?”

“A very long time ago,”

“How did you meet her?”

“It’s a long story,” she checked the clock on the wall, “Whelp, that’s all the time we have for interrogation today, the parents should be here soon and I’d like you to help check out,”

“Fine,” she sighed, trying not to sound too disappointed, “Just one more okay,”

“Make it quick,”

“Did you love her?”

Catra froze. Emi had already asked this question. It was the first one she asked her, but she’d brushed it off.

“Yes,”

Emi nodded, “And do you still-?”

“Times up!” when she spoke it was rougher than usual, like she was curling in on herself in defense, “That was one question. Now get to work,”

Emi knew she hit a sore spot and mumbled an apology, walking away.

Catra almost called after her, but was too engrossed in her own thoughts.

Did she still love Adora?

Which would be worse? If she did or didn't?

She didn’t know.

And she didn’t want to know.

\---

Almost as soon as they returned to Razz’s hut had she returned.

Adora attempted to introduce her, but Razz seemed to already know (though Scorpia had no recollection of the strange old woman) and gently pulled her aside to talk in private.

“I take it you did not find what you sought, dearie?”

“No. Light Hope… she didn’t have the answers I’m looking for,” she lied, not wanting to admit she was kicked out once again.

Razz seemed to know the truth, as always.

“Why don’t you pull up a bed mat for your friend and we’ll discuss more in the morning.

“Okay…”

Of course, time was never exact with Razz.

Scorpia fit into the forest life with some difficulty, but like Adora, she learned to live with it during their stay there.

They ended up dawdling around for another ten days before Adora once again had enough.

“Has Scorpia talked to you yet?”

“She has tried, yes,” Razz admitted, “But Madame Razz gives her the same answer I gave you. You two are very persistent, I’ll give you that!” she chuckled, “Why do you want to find her, Mara?”

“Because I can’t let go,”

“Ah, letting go wouldn’t help. It’d only make you more like them,”

“The First Ones?”

“Or as they tried to be. They never could either, you know?”

“Tell me more about them Razz. It doesn’t sound like you were pretty fond of them,”

“That’s an understatement,”

“Why?”

Razz sighed, “Why don't you tell me why you resent them, as well?”

“I don’t… well…”

“Not a very feeling people?”

“I wouldn’t know, I’ve never met them. They couldn’t have been that cold if they went messages back to their loved ones,”

“It was mostly the leading counsel’s principals that were cold. Especially where She-Ra and the runestones were concerned… Adora, I think it is time you learned the truth. Who the First One’s really are…”

Adora waited, patient as she listened to the entire story.

When it was done her fist curled, her world turned black. She knows now what Catra must have felt in the wastes when she told her that Shadow Weaver was in Bright Moon. Something inside her snapped. 

_Oh, Adora... Sweet, gullible Adora... idiotic, trusting Adora..._

_ **n a i v e l i t t l e g i r l** _

“Th-they… lied to me?”

“Dearie-”

“A…Again?

“Mara-”

**They lied.**

**The Horde lied.**

**Shadow Weaver lied.**

**Light Hope lied.**

**The First Ones lied.**

Adora covered her ringing ears.

“Mara, calm down-”

<strike> _ **Mara…** _ </strike>

“I’M NOT MARA! SO STOP FUCKING CALLING ME THAT!”

“Please-”

_ **No escape.** _

_ **No escape.** _

_ **Mara. Destiny. Portal. Mara.** _

<strike> _ **E t e r n i a.** _ </strike>

_ **S** _

_ **T** _

_ **U** _

_ **P** _

_ **I** _

_ **D** _

She closed her eyes and screamed.

“Adora! There’s-” Scorpia was interrupted by a woman in Bright Moon armor.

“Princess Adora? You will accompany us back to Bright Moon. You will come quietly and you will remain calm,” the guard pushed Scorpia out of the way, revealing at least five soldiers flanking her.

“Glimmer… s-send guards after me?”

“You will come with us now,”

Adora recomposed herself, not bothering to dry her tears.

“Why, so many guards, huh? Because I’m dangerous!? Because I was a Horde soldier!? Because I’m unpredictable!?” she laughed shakily, “You know, I’d think my ‘best friend’ wouldn’t send a whole damn battalion after me!”

“Queen Glimmer has her reasons. We won’t hesitate to use force if necessary!” the guards got into position.

“Of course you won’t. And you know what? I won’t either. Let’s take this outside, shall we?”

Scorpia stood outside the hut where Swift Wind stood nervously.

“This is your final warning, princess,”

“For the honor of-!”

“Adora, wait!”

“Bow?”

“Adora!”

She was wrapped in a tearful embrace.

“B-bow!” she sobbed, breaking against him, sobbing.

“That’s me, the emotional support hug dealer,” he joked through his tears.

Adora laughed, nearly collapsing then and there.

“Come home, Adora, please! We miss you…”

“I miss you, too,”

“Scorpia! Why didn’t you bring Adora home when you found her,” he asked, somewhat suspicious.

“I needed to find Catra before Glimmer does,”

“Catra’s dead,”

“She faked her death,” Adora told him, stepping reluctantly out of his arms, “I don’t know how. She’s out there and… Glimmer and Shadow Weaver know. They’re going to kill her without trial, they won’t hold back,”

“No! Glimmer would never do that!” even as he said it he doubted the words.

“As long as she’s working with Shadow Weaver she’s in danger… and dangerous. We don’t know what she’s capable of anymore,”

What she did know was that Glimmer was hurting.

And she'd do anything to get revenge.

\---

“I’m going to find you,” Glimmer tells the mirror in her bedroom, “I am going to kill you,”

She imagines Catra’s sneering face replacing hers.

“I am going to find you,”

_Crack!_

A fissure in the mirror, dark magic seeping from her enclosed fists.

“I am going to kill you,”

_Crack!_

“I will find you!”

_Crack!_

“YOU WILL PAY!” she shrieks, and the mirror shatters. She jumps back to avoid the shards.

She rings for a cleaning servant and storms off towards Shadow Weaver’s room.

“Come on. We’re going to the Black Garnet. We’re going to find Catra,”

“You’ve been trying for two weeks straight now. If you wish to find her you better be certain,”

“Oh, I am. This time I will find her. She’s as good as dead!” Shadow Weaver noticed the tears forming in the young woman’s eyes and slunk forward, eyes narrowing. She lifted a hand to her cheek and dried her eyes, noticing how the pathetic child closed her eyes, comforted, at the touch.

“Don’t shed tears over that monster, child,” she said softly, “She doesn’t deserve them. You must remain strong. It is the only way you will succeed. The only way she will be brought to justice and you will get your revenge… and I will get mine,”

Glimmer nodded, wiping the remaining wetness away and turning towards the door at last.

“Come on!” she didn’t check to see if she would follow her out to the moonstone.

They sat in their usual spot when they got there.

“Prepare yourself,” was Shadow Weaver’s usual warning, before she fused their energy once more.

Glimmer shot through Catra’s subconscious, on a mission.

Memories swam by her.

Every tear, every pain, every fear.

_She killed your mother._

She took a deep breath and kept swimming.

A hut. The same one she saw Adora in.

Glimmer know’s she’s getting closer.

There.

There it is.

What she’s been searching for…

Her short term memories.

She had found them at last.

_“We should start with either Shadow Weaver or Adora, seeing as those are your biggest…. Issues,”_

_It was a familiar woman. One with a head of neat cornrows and sharp eyes. She knew this woman. She was a Horde soldier._

_“Wow, straight to the point. Okay, where do I even start?”_

_“What would Shadow Weaver do to you when she’d pull you out of class?”_

_She watched without sympathy as Catra winced._

_“Hey, is this supposed to help me or cure your curiosity?”_

_“Both. Stop dodging the question,”_

_“Fine! You really want to know? She’d fry my fucking brains out all while telling me how much of a fucking failure I am! And that’s not even the worse thing she’s done-”_

The memory glitched.

_"...her annoying little bitch-”_

_“What did you call me?”_

_“You heard me. Always following her around… You slept in her big private Force Captain room all alone, just the two of you-”_

_Slap!_

_It seemed that even to her friends she was cruel._

_She wasn’t surprised._

_But where _is_ she?"_

The memory glitched once more.

_“How much did you hear!?”_

_She was dragging a little satyr girl into the room._

_“Enough to know that we never should of trusted you, Horde scum!” she kicked Catra in the shin and made her way for the door. Catra grabbed her just in time._

_“Lonnie, help me here!”_

Glimmer had enough.

So, Lonnie was her name. Hm...

Glimmer reached out her senses.

Location, Location…

She sensed it at once.

A nearby village in the Whispering Woods.

Perfect.

She snapped out of Catra’s mind, triumphant.

”I’ve got it,”

Shadow Weaver grinned beneath her mask.

“Excellent,”

“She’s in a village. With a girl. We’ll need to do a search on a Horde soldier named Lonnie. I’ll ready our hackers,”

“No need. I know this girl. She was one of Catra and Adora’s squadmates. How pathetically disappointing that she’s aiding that murderer,”

“She will pay as well for both her war crimes and aiding her,”

“We should set out at once,”

“I will go alone,”

“But, my liege, I-”

“I will go alone. That is final,”

_I’m coming for you, Catra._

_This time there will be no mercy._


	27. Chapter 27

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everything comes crashing down.

Entrapta pretended not to notice Hordak’s eyes on her.

The way he watched as she moved about the sanctum, clacking away, inputting info into her database.

The way a faint blush lit his strangely pale cheeks and his eyes and teeth turned pinker with it, his new wears accenting his body in just the right ways…

Now she was the one staring.

She cleared her throat.

“I’ve been, um, going over the total amount of data I’ve collected from the sword, and while it’s not as much as I’d like, I may be able to figure out what we should do with it once we obtain it. Getting Adora to transform might be tricky so I’ve been considering attempting to create tech that will transform her by force,”

“No need. As a bleeding-heart rebel all we’d need is a hostage and some torture. We could even call in Kyle and she’d cave just as easily,”

“I’d prefer we use an easier route,” she winced at the prospect of torturing Kyle. If it was necessary, sure, but they had better options.

“If you think that would be best," he paused, his eyes lingering on the woman before him, “Entrapta, come here,” she did as she was told and blushed as he gently traced her face, “You’re quite brilliant, you know that?”

“So I’ve been told,”

“You could put anyone to the Fright Zone to shame,”

“I assume you mean except yourself,”

He said nothing, instead leaning forward and capturing her lips with his. She returned the kiss with passion, wrapping her arms around his body and pulling him closer, leaning forward on her hair.

He kissed with equal fervor before coming up for air.

“That was… pleasant,”

“Shut up and kiss me,”

She grabbed his face and kissed him once again.

\---

“Emi, I’m heading out!”

“Alright, see you tomorrow!”

“See ya,”

The last toddler had been picked up so she took her cloak and left down the road the led to the inn. She took out her notebook as she walked, using her enhanced senses to know where she was going as she wrote.

"Hey Adora,  
Today went surprisingly well.  
Alexi threw up on me, but that’s inevitable when dealing with kids.  
They deal with children’s messes much different here.  
When we’d throw up on Octavia she’d slap us.  
Yeah, that was pretty fucked up.  
Lonnie’s working late tonight so we’re skipping tonight’s session.  
I should feel relieved, but I’m kind of disappointed.  
Talking about everything has really helped lately.  
Weird.  
Emi’s been asking less questions about Adora since I snapped at her yesterday. Good.  
I still feel bad about it, even after I apologized.  
I’ve been learning how to play an instrument called a “lute” to mixed results.  
Atum’s letting me borrow his and I picked up a manual from the general store.  
He offered to teach me himself, but I don’t need his help.  
Or anyone else’s for that matter.  
He just tells me that accepting help doesn’t make you weak or incapable.  
I told him that’s a load of crap.  
He just laughed.  
I’ve been slowly opening up a bit more.  
It’s been good.  
It still hurts.  
I’m tired, but not as much anymore.  
I’ll write again soon,  
Catra"

The letter took up almost three pages of her notebook. She put it away. She’d begun to notice recently that her letters to Adora have gotten longer and more positive. Maybe that meant she was healing, but it certainly didn’t mean she was letting go.

She sighed and pushed open the door to the inn. They looked more on edge than usual, but Catra decided not to think much of it.

She sat in her usual place at the bar.

“Usually I don’t drink this early in the week, but I’m in a good mood. Which is also weird because I usually drink when I’m not,” she tells the bar keep who, instead of rolling his eyes with a smirk, stared at her like he’d seen a ghost before handing her her usual. She had thought that she’d finally gotten through to the tough bartender during her stay. He no longer asked for id. Everyone seemed so tense...

She downed the ale, wiping her mouth and getting up so she wouldn’t give in and demand a refill. The room continued to stare at her.

“Oh, I give up! Why is everyone acting so weird today?” she asked the innkeeper at last.

“I’d suggest going to your room now, Ms. Felise,” he answered, darkly.

She scoffed and walked up the stairs.

“What’s their problem?” she muttered aloud to herself as she marched to the right number. She sighed and reached out to open the door. Her ears twitched, her senses begged her not to go inside. She told them to shut up and did it anyways. She gasped as she looked inside.

The room was destroyed.

The beds looked as if they’d been hit by small explosives and slashed up with a blade. The tables were overturned, the chairs smashed against the wall, the curtains slashed to ribbon.

Catra vowed that when she found out her did this she’d…

She let out a squeak as her body was forced into perfect posture.

She stared blankly, tears coming fast, as the memories flashed before her eyes. She couldn’t move. She couldn’t see.

_No…_

She was forced at attention as the queen of Brightmoon stepped out of the shadows and circled her body with furious eyes, her arm up and glowing, encasing her in the restraining magic. Shadow Weaver’s restraining magic.

“You really thought you could get away with it…”

_ **“You really thought you could get away with it,” Hordak’s voice echoed in her head.** _

“You really thought you could kill my mother! That you could just... run away!?”

“I…” she tried to respond, but Glimmer squeezed the magic tighter, cutting of her strangled voice.

“You know, I could kill you now? Make it look like a bloody accident. You’d be luckier for it,”

_ **“I really want this to sink in before I kill you. I want you to hurt,”** _

This was it. Caught in another lie. No escape this time, no redemption.

“You’re going to hurt, just like you hurt everyone who comes in contact with you… and I can’t wait to see it,”

\---

_ **Hurting, Hurting, Hurting...** _

_Why do you take?_

_Why do you take everything?_

_This_ is _the right thing!_

_ If mom were here she'd..._

_Mom…_

_You’re not supposed to be gone!_

_I’m not supposed to be alone!_

_ **W H Y?** _

_Catra…_

_Why did you do it?_

_How can someone be so **heartless?**_

_ **HOW CAN ADORA STILL LOVE YOU!?** _

_How could she ever…_

_How could…_

_Adora…_

_How could you chose her over me?_

_I’m right here…_

_ **I love you…** _

_But you want Catra, Catra, Catra!_

_ **SHE HATES YOU!** _

_ **SHE’S A MURDERER!** _

_ **HATE HER! WHY DON’T YOU HATE HER!?** _

Shadow Weaver snapped out of Glimmer’s mind at the sound of a knock at her door.

She slowly got up to answer it. it turned out to be only a palace guard.

“The queen requires your presence. She has the prisoner,”

“Tell her I will meet her at once. Make sure to let her know how pleased I am that we can bring her mother’s murderer to justice,”


	28. Chapter 28

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lonnie finds out Catra's missing.

When Lonnie walked home from work she was too exhausted to care that everyone was acting strange.

They looked at her. They whispered.

Lonnie didn’t care… until she caught a few words.

“Queen… the Horde… Felise…”

That made a cold chill rip down her back and her hair stand up and she ran. Ran back to the inn.

_It’s probably nothing,_ she told herself, _But I just need to make sure…_

Hearing her friend’s fake name in the same sentence and ‘the Horde’ put her on edge.

“Alonza!”

She turned around to see Emi, bounding towards her, tears in her eyes.

“Oh, hey, kiddo!”

“Lonnie,” all pretenses were up, “Lonnie, she took Catra!”

“Who?”

“The queen! She told everyone that she was a criminal, they didn’t say who she really was, but… she’s gone! And look!”

She pointed to a wanted poster on the outer wall of the inn that definitely wasn’t there before. It said:

"Wanted  
Lonnie  
Dead or Alive  
For War Crimes and Aiding the Queen’s Murderer  
Reward!"

There was no picture of her, only a brief description.

"Last Name: N/A  
First Name: Lonnie  
Gender: Cisgender Female  
Occupation: Horde Soldier / Force Captain  
Age: Approx. 19 Standard Years  
Species: Human  
Hair: Medium Brown  
Eyes: Hazel  
Skin: Dark  
Build: Fit / Average to Tall Height"

“Shit, shit, shit, this is bad! Where did she take Catra!?”

“Bright Moon, I’d guess!”

“I’m going after her,”

“Me too,”

“No!”

“It’s be stupid to go alone,”

“You’re not going, end of story!”

“But-”

“Listen to me very carefully. You will stay here and cover for me. Catra wouldn’t want you to risk your life for her,”

“I don’t care!”

“Emi, you’re a kid. You’re not even a combatant. You’re gonna stay her an’ that’s final,”

Emi stared at her defiantly for a moment before nodding her head in defeat.

“You’re right,”

Lonnie sighed, “Thank you,”

She extended her staff and ran back to her apartment to pack. Seeing the state of the room lowered her spirits considerably, the weight of her mission falling on her. She had really made a life here in this village.

A life that she may never return to.

This was a suicide mission.

She could always just stay…

She knew Catra was capable. More than capable of taking care of herself. She was probably halfway back to the village already.

But then again…

Lonnie shook her head and continued packed. Since when had she been the selfless type? It just caused nothing but trouble. But she couldn’t just do nothing.

\---

“Hordak, I just got word! Adora is back in Brightmoon,”

“Excellent! Should we commence the next stage of our plan?”

“Not just yet. I’m still working on a contraption that will force She-Ra to transform or detransform, I’ve been calling it the Instant She-Ra Reversal or ISRR, also known as ‘isser’. Yes, I know, that name is a definitely a work in progress, I just can’t find the right words coming to me-”

“Entrapta?” Hordak cuts her off.

“Yes?”

“It’s alright. You can take your time,”

Entrapta paused. It was unusual for Hordak to be this patient. To be patient at all, really. All the data she’d collected on her strange lab partner- lover?- suggested that something must be wrong.

“What is it?” he asked, genuinely concerned.

“It’s just… you’re not usually…”

“Patient?” he finished, “Oh, trust me, I am not. This I have come to accept about myself, Entrapta, but in this case I have my reasons not to rush,”

“And what reasons are those?”

He blushed, turning his head away and sighing.

“Entrapta, to be honest with you I do not know what will happen when Horde Prime arrives and I want to… cherish this thing we have while we’re still allowed to have it,”

“What does that mean?”

“It means that Horde Prime values what’s essential and relationships, especially in the romantic sense-”

“Lord Hordak! Force Captain Kyle, reporting. I bring news-”

“Goddamn it, Carl!”

“Kyle,” Entrapta reminded again.

“Can’t you see we’re a little busy, boy!?”

“Y-yes, my lord,” he gulped.

“Since you’re already here we might as well hear the news that was so important,”

“Catra has been apprehended by Brightmoon. An execution is scheduled for a week from today and Queen Glimmer requests that you do not attempt to rescue her,”

“Why would I? This is splendid news! But it is also not worth my time. Now GET OUT!”

Kyle scrambled towards the exit, bowing hurriedly as he ran. When the door slammed shut, Entrapta turned towards Hordak.

“Was all that really nessesary?”

“He was annoying me. It was simply a show of power, a message being relayed. It’s not like I did anything to make it really sink in,”

“Kyle saved my life. I never could have survived out there without his assistance… well, I could, but his presence made it far more enjoyable,”

“I made him Force Captain, didn’t I?”

“It was sort of a de-facto position. Almost everyone else in his squad had defected,”

“You should have seen his file. Incompetent would be an understatement, at least his test scores are average! It’s a miracle that he’s even made it this far!”

“His performance has been well above satisfactory and far from lacking, I’ve been tracking the data! She pulls us her tech pad, “See?”

He observed the data on the screen with a shrug.

“I suppose you could be right. Now,” the blush returned, “May I kiss you?”

She nodded eagerly, “Yes, please!”

\---

Horde Prime sat at his commander’s desk silently calculating what to do about his little problem.

And by “problem” he meant brother. Or clone, whatever.

He had thought that he had cast him out to die for his miserable imperfections. He had thought that he had finally gotten rid of him and quelled his foolish rise in arrogance.

News of a portal’s attempt to breach to his base from the empty dimension Despandos. That must be where he had dumped him. He supposed his brother’s determination, resilience and loyalty was to be expected, seeing as they were clones of his own perfect self.

It was clear to see that the fool was attempting to make contact. That he wished to come back begging forgiveness for his fatal flaws. So Horde Prime came to a decision. He would simply sit back and wait. If he were succeed, all Prime had to do was smite him and claim whatever resources he managed to collect during his exile. And if he were to fail there would be nothing to worry about.

It was a rigged game.

One where no matter what he wins and the defect loses.

“Were playing the long game, brother,” he mused to himself, “Give up now or see how hard you will fall,”


	29. Chapter 29

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part One of the Reunion Chapter.
> 
> Catra arrives in Brightmoon.

Adora’s hand squeezed Bow’s tightly. They walked through the main entrance wearily, Adora’s eyes darting nervously.

“Will they even be happy to see me?”

“Of course they will,”

“I don’t believe you, Bow. I abandoned them! I ran off and didn’t tell anyone and after what happened the last time we did that…”

"Adora, I know. Believe me, I know. But we understand, or at least I do. You were hurting-”

“That’s no excuse! What if the Horde attacked while I was gone? By leaving I put us all in danger! All because I’m so fucking selfish!”

“Adora!” he sounded appalled, “Language, please!”

“I’m sorry, this whole thing’s just got me really on edge and everything’s happening too fast and I just want a break from all this,”

“How about I talk to Glimmer and see if we can take another trip to Mystacore?”

“We’re needed here, Glimmer and I especially,”

Bow looked down, hurt, “Oh,”

“Sorry, I didn’t mean it like that! You’re very important Bow-”

“I get it, you’re She-Ra and she’s the queen and all that. I’m not upset, just worried. You’ve been pushing yourself too hard. I know you wanted to sacrifice yourself instead of Angella in the portal. Please don’t blame yourself,”

“But I do! It’s my duty, my purpose!”

“You don’t have to-”

“YES I DO! IT’S MY DAMN JOB, IF I DON’T EVERYONE WILL-!”

“Did you choose this?”

“You know damn well I didn’t,”

“Then it’s not a job, is it? If it was I’d call it slave labor,” he laughed. It was a warm chime, but Adora could tell it was forced.

“I may not have chosen this, but it’s my destiny. I can’t just do nothing, I’m not that kind of person. If I walked away any destruction that follows would be my fault,” she stopped him before he could interrupt, “I know, Bow, I didn’t cause the war. But I need to be the one to end it. I couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t. But for my mental health… we’ll see about that trip,”

“Yay! Best Friend Squad’s goin’ on another vacay! But Glimmer might need to stay to rule the castle… Hey, Scorpia, do you wanna come with?”

“Huh?” Scorpia looked over from where she was absent mindedly staring at where a cluster of carriages were parked, “Oh, sure, sounds like fun. Whose are those?” she pointed over at the coaches.

“Oh. Those belong to the princesses. They must be visiting,”

“Doesn’t that… concern you?”

“Why would it?”

“If all of them are here it must mean there’s some kind of promise,”

Bow shrugged, “It’s probably just for a meeting. Maybe about how to defeat the Horde or Adora’s absence. You’re pretty perceptive, Scorpia!”

“Thanks. You’re probably **right**…”

\---

“**Right** here,” Glimmer commanded her soldiers, “Wait, I think she’s waking up,”

Catra had passed out not long after being cuffed and dragged. Once they got closer to Brightmoon it wasn’t hard for Glimmer to teleport them the rest of the way.

As soon as she remembered where she was the panic rose in her throat, leaping out in the form of less-than-formal anathemas.

“SHIT! GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!” she wailed as she struggled, “LET ME GO! FUCK! LET ME FUCKING GO!”

“Don’t be like that, kitty,”

“FUCK YOU!” the curse ended in a squeal as she was once again encased in magic.

“I would watch my tongue if I were you…” Glimmer laughed, but it came out choked and laden with anger and lunacy.

“Eat shit, princess!” the magicat spat. She soon felt the familiar pain tighten around her, crushing her from the inside out.

“That’s queen now. You made sure of _that,_”

Catra couldn’t respond. For all of Shadow Weaver’s castigations, only few have been so angry, so fueled with pure rage. Glimmer leaned in close.

“I don’t know about you, but I am having a blast," she cooed, but inside it was all fire. And something else, too...

_Why does makes your insides squirm? Why don't you feel better? Maybe you will when she's dead..._

_This isn’t who you are. You shouldn’t be enjoying **this.**_

\---

“**This** is bullshit!” Adora stood her ground, but the guard wouldn’t budge.

“I already told you. You can’t go in, ma’am,”

“I’m She-Ra! You let Scorpia and Bow in! Let me talk to Glimmer!”

"The queen will speak with you once she finishes securing the prisoner,”

“Prisoner?” her pulse leapt. There was no way… 

“The queen will explain everything to you herself. She gave me exact orders to keep it classified until then,”

Another guard clambered up to meet them.

“Princess Adora, the queen will speak with you now,”

“**Finally**!”

\---

**Finally** Catra was met with relief as she slipped once again from consciousness. Her last view was of Glimmer’s teary eyes and scowling face.

When she opened her eyes again she was laying on the ground in what seemed to be an ornate room. There was marks on the floor like a large couch had scraped against it as it was moved. The sight left Catra with confusion until she noticed the barrier. And the guards stationed silently in the room’s corners. Their uniforms’ helmets made it hard to tell how they were staring at her. She smirked.

“Is th-this your prison?” she choked out, erupting into a coughing fit. Glimmer must have really knocked the wind out of her. She noticed the usual bruises smarting on her skin, chafing against the cuffs, “You guys really are the bleeding hearts. I must say, though, Glitter didn’t seem pretty pure hearted,”

“You will not speak of the queen, murderer scum,”

“So you can talk? That’s fun. And I’ll talk about whoever I want to. The brat’s actions, while not very sweet, were certainly from her heart. Still, not very…” she eyed them, “Angelic,” The guards stepped forward, “Oh, you’re just a bunch of shiny toy soldiers aren’t you? Not even a bit rough around the edges, just smooth, and pristine, and perfect,” she spat out the last word with venom. When the guards scowled (or at least Catra thought they did) and said nothing, settling back into place, deciding she’s not worth it (big mistake, really). She took that as an incentive to keep going. These guards were all talk. Or no talk, apparently, “I’m not just gonna roll over and die for her. I want out of the game,”

“This isn’t a game, child,” a voice drawled.

Catra’s blood ran cold.

“Shadow Weaver,”

“I tried to give you a way out…”

Catra shuffled back in her magical cage, “St-stay away from me!”

“A coward as ever…”

“FUCK OFF!”

“Guards, leave us. I have some unfinished business with my former pupil,”

“The queen said-”

“I’m not going to kill her, that luxury is reserved for her majesty. I’m going to teach her a little lesson,”

Catra was sobbing now, “N-no…” she curled up, “**NO**!”****

\--- 

“**No**?” Glimmer asked her friend, “You’re just not gonna say anything?” 

“Glimmer, I-” 

“What the fuck, Adora!?” 

“Glim, let me ex-” 

“I’m over here working my ass off to be a good queen, to be like her, all while the entire kingdom is breathing down my neck! Not to mention the Horde is on the move again! And it’s a little hard to fend them off without our FUCKING SUPER SOLDIER! I’ve been training with Shadow Weaver to get better at magic, so I can protect us, and I’m just not learning fast enough. I guess I just thought my best friend wouldn’t just up and disappear on me! On all of us!” 

“I KNOW AND I’M SORRY!” she wiped the forming tears, “I’m sorry okay. I just… learned something… and it made me go ballistic and I apologize. I’m not going to do it again. I… I failed you,” 

“Adora, I’m sorry too. I know I haven’t been the best friend lately, cutting everyone off and stuff,” 

“You’re in mourning, I get it. Grief makes you do crazy things…” Love does too. So does hate…”Glimmer, I know that you know about Catra being alive. Please… don’t go after her. Razz told me she was trying to better herself. She’s not with the Horde and she’s not going to hurt us anymore,” 

“She killed my mother,” 

“She didn’t mean to-” 

“But she did!” 

“I know you’re upset, I’ve been there, but- 

“OH MY GODS, ADORA, I DON’T CARE THAT YOU LOVE HER! SHE IS GOING TO PAY!” 

“I don-” 

“Don’t lie to me! I read your damn diary, Adora!" 

“You what!?” 

“And it’s too late,” 

“What is that supposed to mean?” 

“Catra’s already been captured. She’ll be executed in a week. Without trial,” 

“NO!” 

“I’m sorry, Adora, but you need to let her go,” 

“I’m not the only one who needs to let go!” 

“Guards, escort Princess Adora to the meeting,” she ordered before turning back to the friend she had come to care so much about, “Don’t try to stop me,” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bow's gonna need to cancel that vacay lmao


	30. Chapter 30

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part two of the Reunion Chapter.
> 
> \---
> 
> Adora sees Catra for the first time since the portal.

Adora’s running.

Oh, now she’s running.

Running faster than she ever had in her life.

It didn’t take much to evade the guards and flee before she could reach the meeting. 

\---

Catra’s hurting.

Oh, now she’s hurting.

Her body banged up and bruise, curled up weakly in a ball and sobbing.

It didn’t take much for Shadow Weaver to break her. But it wasn’t an interrogation. It was a punishment.

\---

_Where the fuck is the spare room/prison!?_

Adora corner’s a guard and demands an answer.

She’d been going the wrong way.

Her pulse was still rapid, she felt as if she might burst if she doesn’t get to her.

She would burst anyways.

\---

_Why the fuck do I even try!?_

Catra wishes the universe could just give her a straight answer.

She had thought the universe would reward her.

For trying to be good.

Fuck the universe.

\---

Now Adora’s falling.

Falling against the nearest wall, out of mind and out of breath.

She feels the tears come and she’s perplexed. 

She’s troubled.

What would she even say to her?

What would she even do?

\---

Now Catra’s falling.

Falling flat on the group in a heap, spent.

She blubbers all over the floor pathetically.

She’s troubled.

Was it really worth it to stay alive?

Was it really worth it to stay?

\---

Adora picked herself up.

Limb by limb.

She knew nothing really.

Nothing at all.

She just knew she needed to see Catra.

To drink in her sight, one of flesh and blood. To see her alive and breathing. Like with her little excursion in the woods she was going in without a plan.

So she walked.

\---

Catra picked herself up.

Piece by piece (she was shattered in so many pieces now).

She knew nothing really.

Not a fucking thing.

She just knew she didn’t want to be there.

To hurt and to suffer, especially at the hands of the ones who’ve caused so much already. The one’s she had wronged. The sins of blood that could not wash from her clawed, monstrous hands.

So she prayed.

\---

Adora’s hand curled around the door handle, ignoring the protests of the guards. She quickly pushed it open and slipped inside. There were guards in there too. More than when Shadow Weaver was imprisoned, though imprisoned would be a strong word for being locked in the spare room of the castle that operated as a holding cell.

When Adora saw her, her world seemed to stop in an instant. Maybe it really did. It was like a pure drug was being injected into her bloodstream and she couldn’t decide whether she liked it or not. 

Her vision turned an array of colors.

The blue of sorrow.

The red of anger.

Wait, no… that was probably just the barrier playing tricks on her mind.

When she approached the magical barrier her eyes locked on the woman inside.

The girl who was once so explosive looked so… broken.

Fuck, she was so broken, her skin was marred with bruises and her eye was rosy with swelling. Her breathing came out in wheezed shutters, but even those ragged sounds brought her solace. Her hair was cut short and her eyes were peacefully shut but she wasn’t sleeping. She sat up right on her thighs, hunched over with her hands before her face. She had never seen a position like this before, nor knew what it meant. Her clothes were slightly tattered and certainly weathered. Her face was worn from crying.

She felt her own cheek and it came away wet.

The beautiful, broken magicat bit her lip painfully, claws extending where they were clasped in front of her face. She did not open her eyes. This was the only indication that Catra knew of Adora’s presence. Adora decided to speak. She meant to sound brave, but she came out small and weak, her voice weighted with emotion, her tears dripping into her jacket, making the collar near sopping wet.

Catra’s nose twitched and she sighed shakily and gulped before speaking.

“I’m praying,”

“What is that?”

“It’s something I learned in the village I penned up in. You do it to send a message to whatever deities control the universe. Maybe even the universe itself. Everyone believes something different, but it doesn’t matter who you address, all that matters is what you tell it. What you ask for,”

“What are you asking for?”

“Right now I’m begging for forgiveness,”

“Don’t shit me right now, Catra. I know you’re not sorry,”

“Oh, you do now? Because you know me so well, don’t you? You know, in those few months we were on the run together, Lonnie came to understand me more than you ever did. More than you ever could. Now, isn’t that sad? Lonnie, for fucks sake, Adora!”

“Why her?”

“Why not her? She turned out to be a real sap in the end, saving me from my inevitable doom at Hordak’s hands and all that. Once he found out what I did to Entrapta it was off with my damn head,”

“All you do it hurt people don’t you?”

“Look who’s talking! You’re not so fucking innocent, little miss high and mighty. When you left me I wanted to run myself through with the nearest knife. Cut my veins on my claws. Go to sleep and never wake up again. But you don’t give a shit. Of course you didn’t care about who you were leaving behind. Or who you were leaving me behind to. I could describe things she did to me that will make your skin crawl. But that’s not what I’m here for. I’m here to sit here alone on my ass and pray to some omnipotent force that I don’t even know is there for a painless death and an even less painful afterlife. What you’re doing here I have no idea,”

“ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!?” Catra jumped slightly at the raise in volume, “Did you really think I wouldn’t come see you? That you could just… just do this!? STOP BLAMING ME FOR ALL YOUR PAIN, CATRA! JUST TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR OWN SHIT FOR ONCE! You messed with my head for too long!” she was too exhausted to keep up all this anger and deflated to the group, sitting parallel to the brunette, only separated by the barrier, “I loved you,” she blurted out, “I loved you and… I didn’t want to stop, I was greedy. I thought I could take, take, take your love and love you selfishly. I thought I was never going to lose you,” she looked deep into those sad mix-matched eyes, her body curling in on herself, hunching as she sobbed, confessing to her childhood friends, “But I wanted to d-do what was good, but was r-right. What we were doing was a-awful and I… I couldn’t bare the thought of losing you, but also couldn’t bare the thought of going back… of letting people suffer at the hands of the Horde, something I was a part of… I just couldn’t… I couldn’t stand it. I needed to leave,”

“Then why wasn’t it enough to leave when they hurt me?”

“What?”

“You heard me. Don’t fucking play dumb, you know what she did to me all those years! For someone who claims to hate watching people suffer you sure did a lot of watching,”

Adora looked confused before the realization dawned on her. Her eyes flitted to the bruises on the girl’s skin and immediately knew who gave them. 

Then Catra began to describe how she got them.

Not just these bruises but all of them.

_ **“She deserves this, Adora. She deserves it all. She’s not a good soldier. She’s not good like you,”** _

It was like her chest was being slowly crushing in a trash compactor. Her hands shook, wide eyed, as her senses overwhelmed.  
Memories of Catra danced through her pained mind. Memories of a woman so retched and vile. A woman she had so willingly brought back into her lives. A woman in that castle with them right now. She was going to be sick.

She saw the scenarios Catra described. A furry head forced into a sink, struggling to escape at age twelve. A writhing body being kicked repeatedly in the gut until she spewed all over the floor at age fourteen. A fist being enclosed in restraining magic after stealing some rations after being forced to fast, then forcibly loosened at three of those fingers were snapped at age nine.

Catra had told her she had simply gotten them jammed in a door. Or that she broke her ribs falling halfway through climbing down from the roof (she should have known better, Catra never falls). Or that her fear of water came from not liking to get her fur wet.

She needed to get out of there. So she did. Catra yelling more atrocities after her.

She locked herself in her room and let herself break in the dark.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun Fact: the Catra praying scene was originally going to take place in a field.
> 
> HA,LC fic timeline so far:
> 
> 6 days after s3 = The Jump Attempt (ch. 2)  
9 days after s3 = Scorpia defects (ch. 3)  
11 days after s3 = Catra banishes Kyle (ch. 4)  
13 days after s3 = Lonnie is assigned to Catra (ch. 4)  
18 days after s3 = Catra injures Rogelio (ch. 5)  
19 days after s3 = Catra is found out by Hordak (ch. 6)  
24 days after s3 = Lonnie saves Catra (ch. 6)  
25 days after s3 = Catra and Lonnie arrive at Razz's hut / Catra is declared dead by the Horde (ch. 6)  
27 days after s3 = (ch. 7)  
30 days after s3 = Catra cuts her hair and gain hope (ch. 7) / Adora finds out about Catra's "death" (ch. 10)  
32 days after s3 = Entrapta and Kyle are rescued (ch. 8) / Catra speaks to Light Hope and decides to leave (ch. 9) / Adora goes to Light Hope for proof of Catra's death (ch.12)  
33 days after s3 = Adora tells everyone about Catra's death (ch. 14) / Glimmer sees inside Shadow Weaver's mind (ch. 15)  
38 days after s3 = Catra talks to Razz and learns about the First Ones (ch. 10) / Kyle is made Force Captain (pre-ch. 15) / Adora finds out the truth about Catra (ch. 17)  
39 days after s3 = Lonnie and Catra leave Razz's hut and find the village, they save them and are awarded with jobs. (ch. 11)  
44 days after s3 = Catra gets a T.A. (ch. 13) / Adora goes to Madame Razz in her search for Catra. (ch. 18) / Glimmer finds out Catra's alive. (ch. 20)  
51 days after s3 = Catra decides to start therapy with Lonnie. (ch. 16) / Adora leaves Razz's to go back to Light Hope with Scorpia finding her and tagging along. (ch. 22 / 23 / 24)  
58 days after s3 = Emi finds out about Catra's identity. (ch. 18) / Glimmer finds Catra. (Ch. 26)  
61 days after s3 = Lonnie visits Catra at work (ch. 21) / Adora find out the truth about the First Ones and returns to Bright Moon with Scorpia and Bow. (ch. 26)  
62 days after s3 = Emi says "fuck". (ch. 25)  
63 days after s3 = Catra questions whether she still loves Adora (ch. 26)  
64 days after s3 = Catra is apprehended and is taken to Bright Moon. (ch. 27) and Adora and Catra reunite. (ch. 29 / ch. 30)


	31. Chapter 31

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Scorpia and Adora have a talk... of sorts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay!  
I AM SO PSYCHED FOR SEASON 4 OMG!!!  
I'm setting the air date, November 5th, as the deadline for finishing my fic. I have the whole thing planned out now and I hope I can double down and finish in time.  
Spoilers for NYCC:  
CATRA'S NEW OUTFIT IS EVERYTHING OMG!!!  
I feel like my fic is what would happen if Catra had been demoted instead of rising to the top in season 4. Without that power, which would give her a shot at "winning", she _really_ wouldn't have anything left to live for.

Scorpia didn’t know how she was supposed to feel. How she did feel. Her mind spun, trying to process the influx of information from the meeting.

Catra was here.

Catra was going to die.

Catra can’t be here.

Catra can’t die.

Her first instinct was what it always was. To save Catra, no matter the cost. To do what her heart tells her to. But her heart was also in pain. A throbbing pain, wound spreading wider and wider, threatening to consume her whole. 

Catra didn’t love her.

But that doesn’t matter, it shouldn’t matter! She thought she was getting better now that she was away, now that she was putting herself first.

But that’s not who she is.

She’s selfless, putting her loved one’s lives before her own, yet selfish, to continue to love someone who could never love her back.

_Should I go see her?_

_Should I stay away?_

_Those letters…_

_She missed me, she really did!_

She didn’t know where Catra was being kept, but she could find out. She could rescue her, she could save her. The rebellion, be damned! Even now that she was among them nothing had changed. They still stared at her, they still whispered about her. They didn’t accept her… They could never accept her… She would always be alone…

_Oh, stop it, stupid brain!_

_We must remain positive!_

_I am amazing._

_I am confident._

_I give great hugs!_

<strike> _Catra never liked my hugs._ </strike>

The Princess Alliance got along much like pieces of a puzzle. The pieces we all unique, of different sizes, patterns, and colors. Put they fit together all the same. Not only despite their differences, but also because of it.

And Scorpia was that one piece that didn’t fit.

Maybe she should just take Catra and run away.

She’d be serving the woman who treated her like crap again, the very woman she loved, but at least it’d be normal. Something she was used to. Somewhere she fit, somewhere she belonged…

She’d read all the letters after Adora left. Even the one’s she kept hidden from her. She knows now how Catra feels. Freeing her wouldn’t change anything. Catra would still never love her. But maybe she’s more selfless than she is selfish, because she’d be willing to live with that.

Catra probably wouldn’t.

She’d still never be happy, even if they went back to the Crimson Waste.

It would only be a matter of time before she tried to kill herself again.

Before she would finally succeed.

Scorpia looked up as she almost collided with a door frame. She braced herself against it, laughing a little at her own carelessness.

_Adora’s room?_

Why had she walked herself to Adora’s room?

There was life on the other side.

Crying.

A part of her felt that she should leave. This was Adora’s business and she didn’t even like Adora!

Still, due to her big hearted nature, she knocked.

“Adora? Are you okay in there?”

“Y-yeah,” muffled sobs from the other end, “I… I’m f-fine!” the word broke off into another choked sob.

“Do you… wanna talk about it?”

No answer.

She should leave it alone.

Then, finally a small voice.

“Come in,”

Adora laid sprawled out on her bed. She held a two large bottles. One of red wine, one of a potent liquor.

“Drinking again?”

“Yeahhhh,” she slurred, “What’cha gonna do ‘bout it, huh?”

“Have you always been like this?”

“Ca-” she hiccupped, “Catra and I used to get soooo wasted. She…” her eyelids drooped, “She used to steal some from the Force Captain’s lounge. It tasted like ass. This stuff is better tasting, but it’s not as strong!” she whined, “So I… So I gotta… drink a lot. And cry a lot. ‘Cuz I’m such an idiot,” she snorted and keened over, laughing dryly, “I’m such a fucking idiot! I’m an awful excuse of a person. I thought I could be a better She-Ra, a better robot, more like it… Turns out I’m shit at that too,”

“Did you talk to Catra?”

“You can say that...”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” the edge to her voice wasn’t intentional, but she was beginning to get frustrated with the drunk blonde, “You either did or you didn’t!”

“Well, I did, okay!? O… Okay…” tears began to form again in her puffy gray-blue eyes, “I t-talked to her. It doesn’t change the fact that Glimmer’s gonna kill her and I can’t do anything to stop it. That I’ll be losing both of the most important people in my life! And Catra told me things! Things that I can’t even begin to process! I knew Shadow Weaver treated her worse than crap for years, I’m not blind, but this… I can’t stand living in the same plane of existence as her, let alone the same damn castle! I’m… I’m gonna fucking… fucking kill her or something, I don’t know… Nawww, I’m too fucking good for that. Even if she did abuse the fuck out of us. I think I understand Glimmer a bit more now. Huh,” she was rambling now. 

“What exactly did she tell you?”

Adora’s ignored her, for her mind was too far gone, heavily fogged with intoxication. Too inebriated to stop her flow of words now.

“You know, Shadow Weaver… She used to touch my face and told me… she told me that I was… that I was special,” she took a long swig of the more powerful bottle before washing it down with the wine. A bit of it dribbled down her lip before her tongue darted out to clean it, swiping at it once with her arm, “Well, surprise, surprise… that hag was right about _something_!” she chucked darkly, “Yeah, I’m the great and powerful ‘She-Ra’,” she air quoted, slapping her hands back down to her thighs after, “I don’t want to be, but I am. I NEVER WANTED TO BE SPECIAL! I’m not like her, Catra, I mean, I’m not selfish, though I wish I was,”

“You left her behind to face Shadow Weaver. Seems pretty selfish to me,”

“Maybe you’re right… I always wanted too much. Always blinded my stupid morals. Is that what you want me to do? Let them all go? Not give a fuck and doom the entire planet? HA! It was Catra or the world, what was I supposed to do?”

“You were the world to Catra. You were her one good thing and you just up and left,”

“I BEGGED HER TO COME WITH ME! Wait? Why am I shouting,” she whispered, “Why am I shouting? My voice sounds weird,”

“You’re just drunk,”

“NO, YOU’rE jUSt dRunK!” she started crying again, “W-why? Why didn’t she come with me!? I wanted to stay together! That’s all I wanted to do!”

“No, that’s all Catra wanted to do! All you wanted to do was save a bunch of strangers!”

“Wouldn’t you!?”

“Over my friend? Over someone I loved?”

“You didn’t see their faces. You didn’t see their eyes as the buildings collapsed, as the fires roared. And the children…” Adora’s gaze seemed to leave the room, returning to that battle field that seemed so long ago. Fires blazed and children screamed for their parents behind her eyes, “I’m w-weak!”

“Well, so am I! I’m weak. I’m too soft, just like the Hoarde says! But so what? Adora, you’re a good person. Too good of a person. I know a thing or two about that. People... people use people like us. All it takes us for us to stand our ground and let ourselves be selfish every once in a while,”

“I hate feeling so used! I was used by the Horde, by Shadow Weaver, by Light Hope! I’m sick of it! I’m doing all this shit for others and it’s exhausting!”

“I know, right!?”

They laughed together. Two former enemies laughing in a place they don’t quite fit about the things they never thought they’d have in common.

“Do you wan’ some?” Adora asked, debating whether to offer the wine or the liquor.

“I’m good. I’m not much of I drinker,”

Adora hummed and threw back both bottles, combining them in her mouth. She flinched at the taste.

“You should take it easy, Adora, I’m serious,”

Adora looked like she was going to debate, but instead collapsed forward, face first, passing out. Scorpia panicked and rushed forward, but sure enough, faint snores emitted from the girl. 

She sighed, retrieving the bottles before all their remaining contents dumped on the bed. Her hand reached out to brush back the messy hair that clung to her gigantic forehead, before tucking her in and leaving her to rest, tossing the bottles in the trash as she went.


	32. Chapter 32

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adora returns to speak with Catra once more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My friend @ForceCatra on Twitter inspired the second half of this chapter. Enjoy!

The daytime moons had only begun to set a few days later when a sober Adora came again to Catra’s “cell”.

Catra sat crouched in a ball, like she had the days before, almost unmoving. Like she was just counting the minutes until she wasted away into nothingness.

There was stale water and an uneaten tray of spinach and poultry besides her. It seemed almost as if Catra hadn't moved at all.

“Aw, there you are princess. Come to say goodbye?”

“Can you please just listen? I… what you told me… it was a lot to take in,”

“Yeah, no shit. What? Turns out life isn’t as black and white as you’d like to believe?”

“I’m not the one who thinks that way!”

“Oh, really? You know, you spend a lot of time condemning me for being ‘evil’. I’m so fucking ‘evil’ because I don’t follow whatever cracked morals you have. But I guess yours are the only opinion that counts, right?”

“You mean the basic rule that slaughtering innocent people is bad? That kidnapping and indoctrinating children into your slave army is wrong? That kids should be taken and conformed and mashed up until they’re sent out to die? What is so wrong about having morals!?”

“Nothing. Until you chose them over me,”

“What was I supposed to do? Stay with you, huh, is that what you wanted me to do? Oh, right, I was supposed to keep torturing and keep killing, knowing its wrong, knowing that people are suffering. Just because we’re together, right? Huh? Me and you, together and always, ruling the planet just like we always planned? THOSE PLANS ARE BULLSHIT NOW, CATRA! I couldn’t live with myself, I honestly couldn’t, if I just went back with you and pretended I never saw anything different. I invited you to join me and you stayed. What else is there to say?”

“A hell of a lot, actually. Did you know, I couldn’t live without you? It makes me feel like shit to admit it. To actually say out loud how weak I was. This whole suicidal thing with me? Old news. I guess you were too busy being everyone’s favorite to notice,”

“You’d never tell me!”

“Because I couldn’t! What was I supposed to say? ‘Hey, Adora! Did you know that all these bruises actually came from the woman with ultimate power over us who gives you endless praise and is raising us instead of from some lame excuse of the week?’ or ‘Hey, Adora! Did you know that I want to fucking die 24/7 and am barely holding on because of some stupid dream we had where we can be safe and happy and so high where no one can ever hurt us again?’” her chest shook as her laugh turned into a sob, “Or, or maybe ‘Hey, Adora! Did you know that your love is the very thing I breathe for, that I’d be fucking dead if I didn’t have you caressing me every night and telling me that I’d be okay. That you have me and that you’re never going to let go and always be th-there for m-me and… a-and love me… that you p-promised!?’”

“Catra-”

“I was just fucking with you... You know? When I told you that I didn’t care about all those innocent people? Because I do now. I’ve been living among them. I see them in a way I never had before. It was never about that, though, not really… You were everything to me. I guess I just thought I was everything to you, too. Because you could live without my love, Adora. But I couldn’t live without yours. And it just wasn’t fair,”

“I’m so sorry. I never wanted to hurt you,”

“It doesn’t change the fact that you did. It just always messed with me… How it only took some random strangers to get hurt for you to realize how fucked up the Horde really is… When they’ve been hurting me for years. Hurting us,”

“I guess when you grow up with something it makes it feel almost normal. I knew the way they treated you wasn’t right. Shadow Weaver always told me that you deserved it, and I guess maybe on the surface I believed her, but… My heart told me different. But as a soldier you’re not supposed to trust your heart. You were the only thing I went with my heart on before I left. The way I’d always follow along with your reckless schemes or do forbidden things with you for the thrill of it. You were in pain, I knew you were, but… it was just the way things were. Then I saw it on a mass scale. Bow and Glimmer… they taught me how life is supposed to be! So full of joy and love. Things forbidden in the Horde. How what they taught were weaknesses were actually our strengths. The first thing I thought of when they told me was that it could be a world you and I could finally be happy in. And when you didn’t want to go…”

“You left anyways, though. You left me behind anyways!”

“What did you want me to do? Knock you out and drag you with me?”

“I’m sick of being just an afterthought in your story, Adora! You could have tried harder!”

<strike> _ **Tried Harder** _ </strike>

“SERIOUSLY!?”

“Okay, maybe that came out wrong-”

“YOU THINK!? You know what? I’m done with this. I’ll come back when I’ve calmed down. Maybe,”

“No! Please, Adora, wait!”

“Just give me something. Give me something to hope for,”

Catra didn’t respond at first. This wasn’t an easy question to answer.

What did she mean?

For the rebellion?

For their relationship?

For her death?

“I can’t,”

“Goodbye, Catra,”

“NO!”

The door slammed and Catra was alone once again.

Maybe she shouldn’t have been so selfish. She should be the one apologizing not the other way around. Ugh, this was getting her nowhere! She didn’t have much time left.

_You think you can make amends with her?_

_Earn her forgiveness back before it’s all over?_

_ **Pathetic!** _

She wished she had some alcohol. Or better yet, one of those pills she would take that Lonnie found for her in the village.

But most of all she wished for Adora to come back. 

But when had she ever gotten what she wanted?

\---

“We can’t just kill Catra, Glimmer, at least not without a trial!” Bow protested loudly.

The room erupted at once into more protests and counter-arguments and agreements and it was all just too overwhelming for Glimmer.

“Order everyone! Settle down!” it was Castaspella who silenced them, “Now, we don’t know what our plans are yet, but one thing’s for certain, we cannot just kill the prisoner outright. Despite being completely immoral,” her eyes flit to Glimmer as she said this, “It is also against tradition. The ancient rules state that no execution can be given without a fair trial,”

“But I’m the queen!”

“That may be so, but Brightmoon’s Judicial Order holds powers separate from the queen. This would be in their jurisdiction. The only reason they weren’t involved with Shadow Weaver was because Brightmoon hadn’t held a prisoner in over twenty years and they were ill prepared. Besides, it’s not like Ang-” it still hurt to say her name, “Your mother was sentencing her the death penalty right off the bat. This is a more extreme case, and I dare-say Shadow Weaver’s crimes far outdate this Catra’s, I mean, she’s murdered far more than one person, even if that person was… A trial must be held for Catra before we can take any further action to punish her,”

Glimmer had the feeling that though Shadow Weaver was not invited to this meeting she was still lurking around somewhere, listening from the shadows. It made Glimmer uneasy, though she’d never admit it.

“What are we trying to find out? That she’s guilty? WE ALREADY KNOW THAT!” Frosta piped up from her chair.

“Princess Frosta, sit down,”

“But Glimmer-”

“Let me handle this. Fine. We’ll give her a trial, but it’s not going to change anything. She’s still going to pay,” and with that, Glimmer stormed from the meeting, leaving everyone in chaos behind her. 

“Glimmer!” a small voice ran after her shouting, “Wait up!”

“What is it, Frosta?”

“It’s just… I was trying to have your back in there, you know?”

“That’s not your job,”

”As a princess maybe, but as your friend, I-”

“I know what you were trying to do. I can handle myself!”

“I know! It’s just… you’ve been very distant lately. I just feel like I’m losing you, that’s all,”

“I don’t have time for this! There’s too much going on right now for me to add babysitting to the list! Now, LEAVE ME ALONE!”

She marched away, leaving a weeping Frosta in her stead.

Frosta returned early to her palace that night.

She sat high on her throne, trying not to let emotions consume her.

She was a princess by magical status alone.

By royal status, she was a queen.

It was about time she went back to acting like one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Catra is hiding a lot of her development from Adora.  
She's too stubborn to admit she's changed.  
Just because she's closing it off from Adora doesn't mean all that development is lost.  
Maybe someone other than Adora should speak with her next... ;)


	33. Chapter 33

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shadow Weaver comes to visit again.

Adora didn’t return the next day.

Which was probably why Catra was too distracted when it happened.

When Shadow Weaver returned…

“E-enough, please… I’m d-done… please I can’t… I’ve learned my… Why?” Catra couldn’t form full sentences, laying there on the floor.

“Why?” she mocked girl she broke, “You’re asking me why? What about you, Catra, why did you betray me? After all I’ve done for you-”

Shadow Weaver continued to speak, but the words were drowned out by the ringing in Catra’s ears. She was almost desensitized to the pain at this point. Her vision blurred. She was starting to black out.

She fell to the floor with a thud, her body refusing to get up again. She slipped into a hazy dream.

_Adora was there, framed in white light, holding her hand. Rubbing her knuckles and smiling up at her with those beautiful eyes. Her hair was down, falling in long blonde waves over her athletic shoulders. Not in the annoyingly perfect way that She-Ra’s hair billowed in the way, but the way it used to when Catra would thread her fingers through it and take out her ponytail when they were alone. _

_Her face crinkled up when she laughed in a way that lit up her entire being with pure light (not the artificial light of She-Ra, but the joyous light that she brought into Catra’s life). Alongside those usual butterflies was a feeling she had grown harshly accustomed to._

_Blows to her stomach. Someone kicking hard._

_Over…_

_And over again…_

_But it wasn’t kicking. It was a sword hacking away at her gut. She hardly noticed that Adora’s hands were no longer in hers, but on the Sword of Protection. Adora’s face remained serene and smiling. The love never fleeting from those blue-gray eyes. It did not match the bloody swings that hit home every time. Then the feeling got fainter._

_Adora was starting to fade away._  
Catra screamed for her to come back. For her not to leave her like she always does. To keep hurting her this way, because at least this pain was physical. Any pain is better than what she felt without her there beside her. Adora only smiles sadly, the sword’s strikes were almost gone now, though the pain still throbbed inside her. Adora opened her mouth to speak as she left. The voice did not belong to her.

_ **“Wake up, you stupid-”** _

_Please don’t go…_

_ **“You should be grateful-”** _

_Come back…_

_ **“Let go of me!”** _

_I love you…_

\---

When Catra came to she was no longer in her prison, but what looked like an infirmary. It was cleaner than the Horde’s.

She looked to her bedside to find not Adora, but her usual team of guards and… Scorpia.

She let out a relieved sigh when she saw that Catra’s eyes were open.

“Catra, it’s okay now. The guards stepped in, and we held a meeting with Queen Glimmer, and Shadow Weaver isn’t allowed to hurt you anymore before the trial, and-”

“Damn, Scorpia,” she croaked, “Slow down there. I’m not going anywhere. H-How… How have you been?”

A hint of a smile. Just a hint.

“I’ve been good, actually. Really good. You don’t have to worry about me,”

“It’s the least I can do after I…”

She didn’t need to say it.

Neither of them did.

“It’s been a tough adjustment. It’s definitely different than the Horde. A lot of things don’t really make sense to me yet. Then there’s the princesses,” she admitted bitterly, “They haven’t changed much. It’s been… lonely, but it’s been working. I’m very safe here,”

“I’m glad,”

“I miss you a lot. Entrapta too. We received word that she was rescued by Hordak not too long ago. She’s alive, but probably not too happy with us. I just wish things could go back to the way they used to. The Super Pal Trio…”

“Me too,”

“You sound tired. I can come back later if you need your rest-”

“What were you saying earlier? About a trial and Sh-” she had to close her eyes and take a breath, “And her?”

“We’ve decided on a trial. We’re stretching it back to two weeks so we have time to prepare your case. I volunteered, of course. So there’s me, your lawyer who I haven’t met yet, and, um,” her eyes darted to the side nervously.

“Who is it, Scorpia?”

“Please don’t freak out, but… Adora volunteered too!” she flinched away as if the bed-confined woman might get a sudden burst in energy and maul her on the spot. When she didn’t move, Scorpia opened her eyes, still bracing for a blow that never came, “Wow, you’re taking this better than I thought you would,”

“It doesn’t matter. There’ll be no need for a trial anyways. I’m already guilty. I’m going to be executed anyways and the world will be better off. There’s no other way for me to make up for everything I did,”

“You really want to make up for everything? I thought you’d just want to because…”

_Because you want to die._

“I really fucked up. You shouldn’t even be talking to me right now! All I want is to make things right,”

“So, it’s really true…” she said astonished, “You’ve changed, wildcat. For the better,”

“After you left it was only a matter of time before Hordak found out about everything. I was tortured for a while before Lonnie could break me out. You’ll be hearing all this in the trial anyways, long story short, I spent some time away and it changed me… I changed me…” Catra stayed quiet for a moment, “Until Queen Sparkles had to come drag me here. I guess I always knew that I’d have to face my crimes eventually. I was a fool to think I could escape it. Scorpia, I don’t want you to worry about me anymore, I’m serious-”

“Well, so am I! I can’t just turn off my feelings for you, I wish I could. I’m going to help you through this, Catra, it’s not too late. You don’t have to die,”

“Yes, I do,”

“NO, YOU DON’T! I LOVE YOU AND YOU’RE NOT GONNA DIE ON ME!”

A guard put a warning hand on her shoulder.

“I’m not going to argue with you about this, Scorp. Are you going to tell me how I got here or not?” she gestured to her predicament and the sterile room around her.

“Glimmer has been allowing Sha-” she noticed the way Catra flinched and did a double take, “Allowing her to have her way with you, which you’re aware of, obviously,”

“Duh,”

“She’s really angry. Glimmer, I mean. I’ve never seen her like this before when we were fighting her. You-know-who’s been angry, too. She is definitely not over you overpowering her, locking her up, and taking her job,”

“And for existing,” Catra added.

“That too,” she chuckled apologetically, “She really did a number on you today. The guards were concerned when they saw you collapse-” Catra raised an eyebrow at the guards, “-it wasn’t long after she started kicking you when Glimmer came in and told her she was being excessive. Of course, she claimed she wanted your suffering all to herself, but I think she’s getting a bit uncomfy with this whole bloody revenge path she’s been on lately. Anyways, we all met and came to the decision to keep that old hag away from you until the trial,”

“Thank you,”

Scorpia smiled.

“Now get some sleep. It’s back to the spare room- I mean ‘prison’ as soon as you heal up,”

“Do you really think I can make things right without dying?”

“I really do. Good night, wildcat,”

“Goodnight, Scorpia. I’m so sorry. I’m gonna do everything I can to make things right by you. I don’t deserve you. I never will,”

Sure enough, Catra woke up the next day back in the semi-comfortable magic cell. She took comfort in the fact that Shadow Weaver couldn’t… that she wouldn’t be around her. That Scorpia still had hope in her, even if that hope may be misplaced.

Catra knew in her heart there was only one way to fix things.

She would have to die.


	34. Chapter 34

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Catra begins on her case with some unwanted help.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for 10k!!! T-T

“Do you know why we’re here, Catra?”

The question was asked in a flat tone. The tall, dull woman regarded Catra with indifference. This was only a job. Another task to be done. No wonder the council chose her. Her general impartiality made her perfect for a job where even a slight bias can mean life or death for a client. Jean worked. She did her job and she did it well. Simple as that.

“I don’t know, to party?” Catra’s face lacked about as much emotion as her lawyer. Jean only blinked.

“We are here to make a case for your trial-”

“Yeah, yeah, I know,” she interrupted, rolling her eyes, “You can put this in your little case: I’m guilty,”

Jean sighed. This was going to be a long day. She gestured to the young women who sat on either side of her, “I’m guessing you know why they’re here as well?”

“They’re here because they were stupid enough to volunteer to fight a battle they can’t win,”

“Hello to you too, Catra...” Adora muttered.

Catra responded by throwing finger guns her way and clicking her teeth. Though Adora glared, she couldn’t help the bit of heat that rose to her cheeks. It was extremely inappropriate, seeing where their relationship stood, but it made her melt every time. 

She remembered when Catra used to smirk at her from across the classroom in their mandatory lessons, flirting with her without ever having to use words, save to mouth a word or two to make her laugh. Their knuckles always ached from where the instructor swatted their hands with his staff, but seeing the other’s smile was always worth it.

“They are here to aid with the case and act as your defendants,”

Adora snapped back to reality, hoping Catra didn’t notice that her mind had drifted off, unfocused.

“That’s right, wildcat!” Scorpia said, “We won’t stop until your safe and sound, right Adora?”

“Uh… right,”

“Let’s just get on with it then,” Jean opened her folder and gave the case a quick look over, “That’s quite a list,” she almost looked impressed, “This will certainly be a difficult case. Especially seeing as you can’t deny that any of these were committed… and that you won’t even if you could. How about you start by stating any reasons why you shouldn’t be executed on the spot?”

“I don’t have any,”

“I do!”

Catra raised an eyebrow at Scorpia, giving her a silent warning. A warning which she ignored.

“And what would that be?” Jean clicked her pen and poised it over a note page.

“The most strenuous thing on that list is assassinating the queen, right? Catra didn’t mean to do that!”

Jean shrugged, “It’s something at least, but it’s still murder. Involuntary manslaughter calls for over a year in prison. The lines on involuntary assasination, however, is unprecedented, I will have to do more research,”

“I meant to kill everyone when I opened that portal, including myself. I knew it would kill the queen too,”

Jean frowned and nodded, writing faster, “You seem quite eager for your own death. I’ve been going over your Horde file. Depression, PTSD… a tendency for self-harm, numerous suicide attempts… Maybe we should focus less on the crimes themselves and more on your intentions, your state of mind, rather. The fact that you’re mentally ill might be a key factor in our case,”

“The fact that she’s apparently changed may help as well,” Adora, who had been quite silent up to this point, added.

Catra stared at her.

“Care to elaborate?” Jean looked at her over the rim of her glasses.

“After Catra left the Horde she’s been living peacefully amongst the villagers. She’s no longer a threat to Etheria,”

“Ah,” it was the first time they saw Jean smile, “Now we’re getting somewhere,”

\---

“Hordak! Hordak, look!”

“What is it?” in the past few weeks Hordak had become accustomed to Entrapta’s presentations and info dumps and was surprised to find that he enjoyed them immensely. The ways that Entrapta’s face would light up never failed to make him smile.

“The ISSR is complete! Emily and I have been hard at work, she’s been a lovely lab assistant while Kyle’s been busy with Force Captain work. There may still be a few kinks to work out, but other than that we’re good to go!”

“Perfect! I will send someone to Bright Moon at once,”

“Maybe we should wait on that a bit. There’s still a lot of heat around Adora right now, seeing as she just got back and with Catra’s trial coming up and all…”

“Trial? I thought she was being executed,”

“I don’t doubt she will be. Even if the council turns in her favor, which the data prove’s highly unlikely, there’s Glimmer would never let her live. And with Shadow Weaver behind her? Catra doesn’t stand a chance. Speaking of Glimmer…” she zoomed over to a shelf on the other side of the work desk that contained some of her things from Dryl, “Where is it, where is it… AHA!”

“Gah!” Hordak nearly leaped from his skin when Entrapta suddenly pinged up beside him holding a mason jar.

“Tada! My sample of Glimmer’s teleportation matter, the sparkly aura provided to her by her kingdom’s runestone. I took it when her and her friends visited me in Dryl. That was nice, not counting the infected robots that were trying to kill us,”

“Infected robots?”

Entrapta nodded, “Too bad Scorpia destroyed the infection disk, it could have been useful… oh well! Anyways,” she narrowed her eyes at the shimmering particles, “I’ve noticed that these little guys have been behaving strangely,” she flicked the glass and its contents turned a sinister red, moving wildly for a moment before returning to their previous state as if nothing out of the ordinary had happened.

“They seem almost as if their-”

“Corrupted,” Entrapta finished, “Angry. Almost like Glimmer herself. Which, in itself, is odd, given that Glimmers anger, which could just be explained away as a symptom of grief, is an outlier in my data monitoring her behavior. Then there’s this whole sparkle dilemma. It got me thinking… what if something is amplifying her rage? It’s just a little side project I’ve been working on, nothing to worry about! Now, back to Project ISSR…”

“Right. When do you think would be the best time to go after She-Ra?”

“Not long after the trial would be optimal. Catra’s actual death should weaken her considerably,” she reached out her hair to pull herself closer to Hordak, “Until then… we have time,”

“Yes,” he replied, leaning closer, “We do,”

They didn’t want to wonder for how long.


	35. Chapter 35

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adora, Scorpia, and Jean hear the full story. Adora doesn't take it well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Includes bonus dialogue in end notes!!!  
There's implied sexual content in this chapter but it's very non-explicit.
> 
> I'm back (partly) from my little haitus! The fires here in California made it hard to write, and I intended to work on "And Then There Were None" but now I'm conflicted on whether I want to continue that. Leave comments saying if you want me to discontinue it or not.
> 
> At this point I won't finish until after season four, so I really hope that watching canon won't make me wanting to stop writing this. If it does then I'll at least post what I intended for this fic and the other dialogue drabbles I wrote for it. And yes, I know this is very short.
> 
> Please enjoy this little Halloween treat!

Catra told them everything.

About Scorpia leaving, Hordak finding out, her days of torture, Lonnie breaking her out, her stay with Razz, arriving in the village, getting jobs, Emi.

Talking about Emi make Catra’s heart ache. She never really stopped hurting people, did she? She let herself get close to Emi only to leave her to face her punishment.

** _Selfish girl…_ **

** _You never stop_ ** __

_ ** _You never s t o p_ ** __ _

_ _ <strike> ** _But you want to stop_ ** </strike> _ _

_ _ ** _You will never stop_ ** _ _

_ _ ** _That’s why you must die_ ** _ _

_ _Catra’s eyes caught on Adora’s. It was a look she couldn’t read. She used to be able to read her so well. She knew every inch of the woman in front of her, inside and out._ _

_ _But she’s changed._ _

_ _They both have._ _

_ _When Catra finished up they just stared at her in silence._ _

_ _Jean nodded, occasionally looking up from her note pad, her mind hard at work._ _

_ _“This is good,” she said, at last, “We can work with this,”_ _

_ _“Will you excuse me?” when Catra’s eyes flitted back to Adora’s she was surprised to find tears pricking their corners, her face sullen. She got up and walked right out the door._ _

_ _“Adora, wait!” Catra stood up, but Scorpia stopped her._ _

_ _“She needs time,”_ _

_ _Catra opened her mouth to protest, but Scorpia’s gaze was full of concern, so Catra sat back down, quiet._ _

_ _“Since when are you two friends?”_ _

_ _“Since recently,”_ _

_ _Jean rifled through her folders for the right document._ _

_ _“So, there are just a few things that I need you to sign,”_ _

_ _Catra rolled her eyes._ _

_ _The rest of the meeting with Jean dragged on. Scorpia was very supportive, considering all that Catra put her through._ _

_ _While their list of defense was coming along nicely, the list of crimes were ghastly, ever looming over their heads as they spoke._ _

_ _When Catra got back to her cell she buried her face in her too-soft “prisoner-grade” pillow and screamed. It was an unpleasant mix of frustration, agitation, exhaustion, and boredom._ _

_ _Her muffled screams cut off at once as her keen ears pricked, sensing she was not alone. Her entire body went into full alert, snapping up to meet her enemy._ _

_ _It was not Shadow Weaver staring at her from the darkness, but Adora. She looked as if she’d been crying._ _

_ _“Catra, we need to talk,”_ _

_ _“Oh, do we now? I thought you made it pretty clear there was nothing left to say,”_ _

_ _“Your story… it checks out,”_ _

_ _“Oh, does it?”_ _

_ _“I believe that you’ve… that you’ve changed… for the better,”_ _

_ _“Oh, have I?”_ _

_ _“Ugh! Stop it!”_ _

_ _“Stop what?” it was hard to hide her smirk with an innocent smile._ _

_ _“Shut up,” Adora giggled and it was almost like old times._ _

_ _And maybe that was what hurt most of all._ _

_ _“So, what are we gonna do?”_ _

_ _“I don’t know,” Adora admitted, “But… I don’t know if I can forgive you yet,”_ _

_ _Catra nodded._ _

_ _Adora looked down, “There’s… there’s something else, too… What did it? What finally got you to change, when I-” she took a shaky breath, reaching up to dry a tear that was struggling to make a reappearance, “I tried so hard for so l-long… I’m just going to go before I cry again,”_ _

_ _“Stay,”_ _

_ _“Do you really want that?”_ _

_ _“I don’t know what I want anymore. I used to think that I knew. I tagged along on your dream of ruling the Horde if it meant we’d stay together. That no one could hurt us. I got so close to my goal, but it was without you. People still hurt me. I wasn’t satisfied. I wasn’t happy. I don’t think I ever can be again… All I knew was that I wanted you and… Part of me still does and it hurts, so please stay. I’m going to die anyways… Please…”_ _

_ _Then the force field went down for a second and before she could process it, Adora had stepped inside and her arms were around her._ _

_ _Their lips met._ _

_ _“Just for tonight,”_ _

_ _Catra nodded, “Just for tonight,”_ _

_ _“I still can’t forgive you,”_ _

_ _“I know,”_ _

_ _They kissed again. It was soft and rough at the same time and above all it felt like coming home._ _

_ _So, when Adora’s hands started to stray Catra let her._ _

_ _As Catra deepened their kiss Adora let her._ _

_ _And when Adora started to take off her shirt Catra let her._ _

_ _And when they started to touch... they let that happen too._ _

_ _It was wrong._ _

_ _Very, very wrong because they really shouldn’t be doing this, this was the last thing they should be doing, but damn, did it feel right._ _

_ _It had been so long._ _

_ _There they came to lay._ _

_ _Side by side on the cot, the logical part of them already regretting what they had done._ _

_ _Adora sighed before finally turning to face her old friend._ _

_ _“I feel like I’m losing my mind,”_ _

_ _“I already lost mine,”_ _

_ _“Do you think we’ll be able to find them again?”_ _

_ _“I don’t think they will ever be the same again, but I think you will. With time. You’ll be okay, Adora,”_ _

_ _“What about you? What about us?”_ _

_ _“You know what’s going to happen,”_ _

_ _“Maybe it won’t!”_ _

_ _“Adora… it will,”_ _

_ _“Stop saying that!”_ _

_ _“It’s true!”_ _

_ _Adora groaned, “I don’t wanna fight anymore,” she wrapped her arms around Adora and pulled her closer, “Goodnight, Catra,”_ _

_ _“Goodnight, Adora,”_ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was gonna have another catradora fight but said "fuck it" halfway through and gave them a little hope.
> 
> So, I was really proud of this dialogue drabble I wrote but I couldn't find a good way to fit it into this fic so here it is. I might write some variation of this after the trial chapter but idk, so expect that maybe. I actually got around to using one of my other drabbles this chapter! Without further ado, voila! And thank you for staying patient during my haitus.
> 
> HALC Dialogue Drabble #2:
> 
> “You don’t get to do that! You don’t get to turn around and just change! To just be good now! Not after… not after…” she sobbed, “Do you know how hard it was to stop hoping, to stop believing you could change, that things could be different for us? You were dead to me, Catra! Then you were literally dead, or at least I thought you were, and… Why now!? Did it seriously take losing my faith in you for you to actually… I… I don’t… What was I doing wrong? Why couldn’t I change you?”
> 
> “The only person who can change me is myself, Adora, you know that. I know how desperately you wanted to fix things with us… you just didn’t understand, you couldn’t,” she wiped her own tears, “Fuck, now I’m crying, too!” she let out a shaky laugh, “Adora, listen. I know I did a lot of bad shit. And I’m willing to do anything, anything, Adora, to make it right,”
> 
> “But you can’t,”
> 
> “What will it take for you to forgive me?”
> 
> “I don’t know. I just… I need my space for a while,”
> 
> Catra nodded despite the tears that had started to roll down her cheeks, “I… I understand,”
> 
> “I need time, Catra. This… This is going to take time. A lot of time,”
> 
> “We have time,”
> 
> “I hope you’re right,” and with that she walked out, leaving Catra alone to her misery.

**Author's Note:**

> I haven't written a story this dark since an old Lapis one-shot that I then deleted.  
Tune in next time for more feels!


End file.
